Sigh!
Thinking over all the fond memories created during college, there could be no other resolution than to tell Max that I loved him. But, no amorous love existed between us anymore. We loved each other like the five of us, Peter, Charlie, Sarah, Max, and I loved each other—as the best of friends. Max and I would always love each other since we knew no other feeling when it came to one another. A passionate love that bonded a man and a woman to live happily with one another for the rest of their lives, was not a part of us anymore. Ours was the kind of love family members shared. There was no set beginning and no direct course but it would always be there. I would always love Max, but only as a friend.
Hopefully, I could also convey that I had moved on and found a new and deeper love. One that made me feel joyful and content, safe and protected, one that I knew could be there forever. Why couldn’t I have mentioned this to Max in the morning? Just a few hours earlier and I could’ve avoided this chaos. My fiasco with Jake forced me to view life more objectively—finally with clarity.
With Jake, I saw love in the future tense.
With Max, I saw love in the past tense.
I woke up New Year’s Day in a hotel in Texas after a long drive. A pinch of hope mixed with a cup of pessimism, I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls from Jake. There were none. Too afraid to call, I texted Jake before visiting my parents.
Happy New Year, Jake. I’m alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.
Soon after I sent the text, my phone rang and I nearly jumped out of bed thinking that Jake was responding.
“Hello?” I answered without checking to see who was calling.
“Hi, Emily,” said a cheerful voice. “It’s me, Jane.”
“Hi, Jane, how are you? Happy New Year.” Though it wasn’t Jake, my heart thrilled at the possibility of Jane calling on Jake’s behalf.
“Happy New Year to you too. Where are you? Aren’t you going to the chief’s tailgate party? Everyone will be asking for you.”
“Um, I’m in Texas right now visiting my parents’ grave. Have you talked to Jake?” Would she shed some light on his feelings toward me? I could only hope.
“Yeah, I talked to him, but he wouldn’t say much. He’s such a grouch and a loner when things don’t go his way. He’s a bit moody. I figured you two must have had a fight. I warned you he’s no fun when he’s mad.” Her words sounded so innocuous. Little did she know she and I would never become sisters.
“Jane, please tell everyone I wish them a happy New Year and have a great time.”
Before visiting my parents, I stopped by the gift shop and purchased a new outfit, as I’d lived in the same clothes for three days. I also picked up a bunch of yellow Gerbera daisies my mom liked. The last time I was here was soon after Max and I broke up. I felt bad only coming to them when I was in need.
With the flowers placed in a vase beside their graves, my fingers quickly cleared away all the dried leaves that had blown onto them. Tears began trickling down my face, and soon I couldn’t stop crying. I told them about my life since Max.
“Momma, Daddy. I’ve missed you! I’m a bit sad right now, and I needed to talk to you, so will you please hear me out for a while? I met a wonderful man two months ago. You both would have loved him. He’s been so kind to me. He took me on an amazing date up to San Francisco. Mom, remember how you used to say that I had a certain look on my face when I coveted something? Well, Jake also figured out this look and gave me what I coveted every time. He told me this look was wistful. I felt so loved by him.
His family is also wonderful. Jake has a younger sister and a younger brother. His mom and dad invited me on their family trip and took me to Hawaii. I learned to scuba dive and got up once on a surfboard. They treated me like a member of their family. I hadn’t felt like I was a part of any family since Dad died. When we got back from Hawaii Jake proposed to me, and stupidly, I turned him down. I didn’t think I was ready.