Between Friends

Chapter 19

“If I were you, I wouldn’t even think of coming to the day after party.” Michelle advises me the following morning in a quiet hush.

“Won’t that make things worse?” I sigh and pull on my shorts.

She glances into the bathroom and makes sure Stephanie is still wrapped up in applying her morning face, while brutalizing a Madonna classic with her tone-deaf voice. Michelle fiddles with a strand of her hair and bites her bottom lip, “You know I want to help you Megan, but Jessica and Michael are really pissed. You don’t want to ruin their day after party too.”

Unlike Stephanie, Michelle has secretly been sympathetic to my circumstance from last night. As soon as Stephanie hit the shower, she broke down and told me everything Jessica had said once I left the reception. She even revealed, that Jessica has forbidden them from speaking with me. Of course Stephanie is on board with Jessica’s wishes, which is no surprise to me since every time Jessica and I have ever had a remote difference of opinion, she would immediately become Team Jessica no matter what.

Then Michelle makes a point of telling me she knows that Ben’s behavior last night was not at all my fault, and she tried to tell Jessica that. Of course Jessica refused to agree, and said she couldn’t believe I hid sleeping with Ben from her. When I try to explain to Michelle my side of the story, she silences me by waving her hand in my face. She finally reveals that Jessica said it wasn’t my lying about Ben that she can’t forgive. It is how I intentionally led on Steven and embarrassed both of them in front of their whole entire family.

I become welled up with remorse and ask Michelle if she thinks I am an awful person. She confesses she understood why I hid what was going on, and insists I am far from awful. She even admits she thinks Jessica has taken everything a little too far. But right away she makes me promise I won’t tell anyone that we spoke. Michelle is worried that if Stephanie got wind of her Team Megan stance, she would rat her out to Jessica and only add unnecessary fuel to the fire.

“What should I do then? Find Jessica later and talk to her in private? We leave tomorrow on the same flight. She can’t avoid me forever.” I say and flop down on the sofa in misery.

“Do you love him?” Michelle asks ignoring my questions all together. She leans against the desk with a curious glimmer in her eyes, and tosses her hair up into a bun.

“Forget about Ben” I whisper and roll my eyes, “What should I do about Jessica?”

“Forget about Jessica.” She teases, “It’s a simple question. Do you love him or not?”

I am not sure why I am scared to admit it out loud, but I think it’s because once I actually verbalize my feelings they will either sound absolutely ridiculous, or frighteningly real. I am petrified to tap into those deep dormant emotions, because I know exactly how I feel about Ben, despite how badly I am trying to fight it. Because even though I told him I wanted him out of my life for good, the truth is that I am terrified of my life without him. No matter how much I try to deny my feelings, I love Ben, I always have and I always will.

“Yes” I mumble, unable to look up at Michelle.

“Sorry I can’t hear you.” I hear a smirk shine through her voice.

“Yes okay, I love him.” I hiss.

“What the hell are you doing then? Why are you sitting around here worrying about Jessica and Michael? They will forgive you. Maybe not today, but soon enough, and right now, you and Ben need to fix your shit.”

“But Michelle, it’s not that easy” I whine slouching further into the sofa like a three year old child being scolded by their mother.

“So you are just going to let him go? So he can go out and have more meaningless sex with girls like Stephanie?” Michelle asks tapping her foot on the floor.

“Maybe that is all he wants! Maybe that is all I was to him too!”

“Ben would never do that to you, he worships you.” Michelle chuckles.

“Oh please.” I say rolling my eyes, “Yeah, he worships me as a friend who drinks beers with him over a Blackhawks game on a Thursday night.”

“Go and find him right now. You need to give him an ultimatum. You are either together for real, or you’re nothing at all.” Michelle commands and walks over to me. She yanks me up off the sofa and shoves me towards the door.

“Michelle no – “ my voice quivers.

“Do you want to lose him forever?” She asks.

“I don’t know what I want!” I cry brushing my loose strands of hair to the side.

“Megan, stop it!” Michelle shouts gripping me by the shoulders, “Stand up for yourself goddammit. Tell Ben how you really feel and don’t let this get any worse than it already is. Take it from me. You do not want to be like Matthew and I. Jealous fights, break-ups, make-ups, cheating on our partners, never saying how we really feel, it’s a nightmare. But unlike us, I think you and Ben actually have a chance. You guys have something real. You always have and always will. Do not let him go. You will be sorry.”

I am shocked and elated by Michelle’s words of wisdom. She is right. If I love Ben, I cannot lose him. I deserve to know what this was to him. I need to find out the truth about what happened between him and Stephanie, and I need to find out if he loves me the way I love him. Maybe it needed to come down to this, and maybe everything needed to blow up in my face for me to realize that I wholeheartedly love him. All I can hope is that after everything, he loves me too.

When Stephanie’s rendition of “Vogue” comes to a screeching halt, Michelle thrusts me through the doorway. She gives me a final salute and slams the door on my face leaving me all alone in the hot and humid air. So I run. I run as fast as I can to Ben’s villa with sweat trickling from my brow and welling up under my armpits. My hair flying through the wind and tangling up as it flings from side to side. Once I get to his door, I am out of breath and my heart is pounding out of my chest, beating in my ears. I wait for my hand to knock on the door, but suddenly I am not that brave Megan from a few seconds ago. I am the weak and feeble Megan that wants to slowly tip toe away and forget this ever happened. But I tell myself I cannot be that girl anymore. I need to do this for my own sanity and a real chance at happiness. I raise my shaky hand and make a tiny fist that gently raps three little knocks. I hold my breath forgetting to breathe air into my lungs. I hear the door unlock, only to reveal Matthew half naked with a towel around his waist and sopping wet hair.

“Where’s Ben?” I ask as my fingers tremble.

Matthew rubs the side of his face and looks at me with pitiful eyes, “Oh Megan, I don’t know how to tell you this...”

“What?’ I shout feeling a lump form in my throat.

“Ben left this morning.”

“He what?” I say feeling my jaw drop to the floor.

“Yeah, he took off back to Chicago.” Matthew sighs running his fingers tensely through his hair.

“Did he say anything?” I finally muster as Eric appears behind Matthew.

“He didn’t say much. He just packed his things and told us he changed his flight for this morning. He left about an hour ago.” Mathew shrugs and bites his lower lip.

Eric gives me a silent look of sympathy that only makes me feel a million times worse. Tears start to well up in my eyes and my lips begin to quiver.

“Why would he leave?” I stammer.

Eric begins answering me, but nothing is making sense. Everything is blurred and muffled as I look up at both of them in a daze. I can feel my heart racing and my breathing quicken. I try to speak, but I can’t, because I’m pretty sure my heart has just exploded in my chest. I try to move my feet, but they are like giant cinderblocks screwed to the floor. Eric is waving his hand in front of my spaced out face, and when I look into his green eyes framed by his long blonde lashes I cave into his chest and let out heaving sobs of misery.

I have never in all my life, EVER cried like this over a guy. Sure, I let out a few cries over Marco, and sure there were a few tears that trickled for Donny. But have I ever wept to the point of silent-cries-that-choke-up-your-throat-and-even-make-the-most-beautiful-people-turn-ugly? No. Not on your life, and I can’t believe that every one of these shameful sobs are over Ben’s decision to leave.

I pull away from Eric, sucking back the tears from continuing to fall down my cheeks. I am overcome with emotion I don’t fully understand. I am angry with Ben for leaving, but I am mostly mad at myself for letting it get to this point. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought by being closed off and guarded I was protecting myself, but really all I did was push Ben to his breaking point.

In every relationship I have ever been in, whether it was Marco, Will, or Donny, not one of them ever stood a chance. I was my own worst enemy and never let anyone of them get too close. In the end, they all ended things with me because I just could not open up. Just like Ben. They had enough of dealing with my insecurities. For some reason, I could never accept that someone, especially someone like Ben would ever love me. But by him choosing to leave without saying goodbye - enough said. I have done it again. I have pushed him away and I have lost him forever.

“Are you going to be okay?” Eric asks, bringing me back to reality.

“I’m fine.” I say, and wipe away the last remaining tears from my cheeks.

I watch them share a concerned glance, when Eric sighs, “We’ll see you later then?”

I nod and walk away with hunched shoulders and burning red eyes. There is nothing I can do, and this time, I know none of this is a game to Ben. It is really over.