Between Friends

Chapter 23

I spend the rest of my day distracted, wondering whether or not I will actually take Ben up on his offer and meet him at the Green Mill Pub tonight. I am so consumed in my inner debate I can hardly remember my conversation with Mrs. van den Berg, as we tour her immaculately impressive home. I vaguely recall her signing the contract, and I only know it happened, because I have the hard copy in my bag to prove it.

As I leave her place, I try my hardest to concentrate. I flip into high-energy realtor mode and follow up on my new clients. I stomp along the sidewalk and push through crowds of business professionals to find a café a few blocks west of the Gold Coast district where I can look over my files in peace, make necessary phone calls, and try my hardest to keep my mind on task. I make decent progress, but within an hour or so, I become distracted, yet again. I find myself thinking less about the Chicago real estate market, and more about Ben and his late night proposition.

Why did he insist on meeting with me? By his choice of venue, he couldn’t have made his intentions any clearer. If he actually was sorry and wanted to continue seeing me as more than friends, he surely would have picked somewhere less full of stout beer and pool tables, and somewhere more full of happy mature couples, sharing expensive bottles of wine. Going to meet him would be the worst thing I could do right now. It would be the ultimate slap in the face and would put me right back in the friend zone.

But Ben must know we can never be how we once were. How could we ever go back to ice-skating around McCormick Tribune Ice Rink like we used in the winter, or go to Sidekicks for a burger and watch horribly tone deaf people sing karaoke, or rent any given Will Farrell movie to watch on my sofa with a freshly popped bag of Jiffy Pop and a warm fuzzy blanket, and have it ever be the same? How could I forget what it was like to kiss him and touch him and….

Oh this is horrible!

Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I suck them back to stare out the window. I watch people briskly walk by on this cold Monday afternoon. My eye catches a cute red head plant a kiss on what must be her tall dark boyfriend as he hops into a cab and waves her goodbye. She beams back at him and blows him another kiss. It makes my stomach turn. Suddenly I think how awful it would be if that were Ben, and I were watching him wave goodbye to his new girlfriend. I mean, it is inevitable, eventually he will move on. If we remained friends, how could I possibly be okay with seeing him with someone else? I know with his track record, it will take a week tops before he has another bright eyed floozy on his arm prancing all over the city. Uggghhh! I can’t even stand the thought of it. How could I have been so foolish to subject myself to such heartbreak? I knew this was a bad idea from the start.

“Can I get you anything else?” the waitress with a lisp says, while wiping her hands on her white bistro apron.

“No, I’m fine, thank you.” I reply looking down at my half eaten muffin and empty sugar rimmed mug from my pumpkin spiced latte. She picks up the mug and gives me a pitiful smile.

Do I look that strung out?

I glance down at my cell phone to see it is already two in the afternoon. What on earth have I been doing here for the past couple of hours? I have barely accomplished a thing, yet I have spent the greater part of my day here. I really need to stop this procrastination. It is so unlike me.

My phone rings and it startles me. I answer it right away, only to hear Emily’s voice on the other line.

“Where are you?”

“At some café” I say gathering up my papers and taking a final bite of my muffin. I really need to get myself together.

“I waited for you all morning at the office. I called you a couple of times, but it went straight to voicemail-”

“I was probably at Mrs. van den Berg’s when you called. You know I forward all my calls to voicemail when I am with clients.” I remind her and push my way through the café’s heavy wooden doors.

“I still can’t believe you scored that listing!” Emily squeals with excitement, “Clint is overjoyed about it. This is a really big deal for the company and of course your career. You are so lucky.”

“I know. I can’t believe she actually requested me.” I say pulling my jacket tighter around my waist as the cool winter breeze pierces my skin.

“I had a showing of that condo by Wrigley Field, but it’s over now. Can you meet me at the office in twenty minutes? We really need to go over that paper work and sign off on a few things.”

“I’ll be there.” I say, and shove my phone into my purse.

As I hop on the subway, I promise myself that I will flip the Ben switch off in my brain and actually focus on work. I need this van den Berg listing so bad that I cannot screw it up. The commission on this sale will finally allow me to purchase an investment property of my own. Something I have been dreaming of doing for a long time. But because I have been so client focused and I am way too tight with my money (something I inherited from my mother), I have never had the balls to do it. In light of everything that has happened this past week, I am more than ready to make a few personal changes and focus on my future. Succeeding in my career and committing to purchasing a property seems ambitious enough. There is no better time than now. I need to figure out my priorities and stick to the Megan Daniels Plan of Action for her 25 Year that I have wanted to put into motion for a while now.

You better get cracking.

I think to myself as I pull out a pen and my notepad and start writing down my top ten things I wanted to do before I turned twenty-five. I squish down into an empty seat on the subway, sandwiched between a mother with two crying children and a plump man picking his nose, and begin to write:

1. TAKE A CLASS (a.k.a. Pilates/ New Language/ Cooking). It doesn’t matter what at this point. All I want is to have a goal to achieve and a new reason besides the office to get up in the morning.

2. GET IN CRAZY NASTY SHAPE. Okay, maybe not NASTY shape. I don’t want to look like a male body builder. But I do want to look toned enough to rock a killer six pack. I have been working hard on this for the past three years, but I am starting to think my body just rejects any type of muscle formation.

3. VISIT ALL 50 STATES. Like I will ever be able to take time off work for this (maybe in a couple of years from now) NEXT!

4. GO SKY DIVING. Something I am so scared of = something I have to do!

5. GET A TATTOO. I have no idea what I would get, but it would sure shock the hell out of my friends to know Grandma Megan was rocking a tramp stamp.

6. GO TO THE ELLEN SHOW. This is a must. She is my idol. No explanation needed.

7. VOLUNTEER MORE. There must be at least one old folk’s home around the greater Chicago area looking for new volunteers. Heck, I would probably like playing Backgammon on a Sunday afternoon while drinking tea.

8. GO TO NYC FOR NEW YEARS EVE. Who wouldn’t want to do this? This is my favorite holiday of the year! I am dying to meet Regis Philbin. I wonder if he would be there…

9. LEARN MY FAMILY GENEALOGY. I have no idea where my family came from. Are we European? Are we South American? Are we from the Soviet Union? No one tells me anything. What the hell am I? I must find this out.

10. SEE MY FAVORITE BAND. Do the Backstreet Boys even perform anymore?

I put down my pen and glance at my impressive list. See, who needs Ben or Jessica when they have a remarkable to-do list like this? Why didn’t I put this plan into action before? I feel way better about my life and current state of affairs now that I have some perspective on what I want. I technically have less than two weeks to do it all before the big 2-5. But who says I can’t make this list of things I plan to do in my twenty-fifth year…

****

Once I get home from spending my whole afternoon with Emily, I continue to work diligently on closing deals and filing legal paperwork. Then I start to work on my Megan Daniels Plan of Action for her 25 Year, by attempting to get into crazy nasty shape. I throw in my P90X DVD Yoga Workout and drink a protein shake. I even make myself a spinach salad with apples, grilled chicken and walnuts for dinner in an attempt at healthy living. After I tidy up a bit, I work meticulously on my laptop, making work related phone calls, and setting up house showings for my new clients. I feel productive for the first time today, and I haven’t once thought about Ben or Jessica.

But when eight o’clock hits, everything changes. As much as I tried to avoid it, I knew Ben was patiently waiting for me at the Green Mill Pub. Then at quarter after eight, my phone vibrates on the coffee table. I nervously pick it up to see Ben has sent me a text:

You coming?

I feel a boulder form in my throat and my stomach twist in knots. Why does Ben have such a hold on me? Oh God. What should I write back? I can’t avoid him forever.

A few moments pass before the television distracts me. It flickers that the Bachelor will be coming up next (mine and Jessica’s favorite show). My heart sinks as I realize how much I truly miss Jessica. I wish I could call her and ask her what I should do as I run my fingers over my cell and debate my response to Ben. Should I just go and meet him, or should I avoid him until I am ready? She would know the answer, especially when it came to Ben.

It pangs me with such sadness to think she is probably all cozied up, watching the Bachelor without me on her comfy leather sofa on her 62” flat screen in her family room. We always watched every episode together, and if we couldn’t be together, we would Skype during the commercial breaks so we could intensely discuss the drama that insured. My phone vibrates again, distracting me with another text from Ben:

Please Megan. We really need to talk.

I stare at my phone analyzing his text over and over again in my mind. I quickly text him back:

About what?

I sit on my couch, nervously bouncing my foot on the floor and chewing my fingernails. Those seconds last forever before I hear my phone vibrate. I glance down at his dreaded response:

I would really prefer to speak to you in person.

Arghh! Ben can be so difficult! Doesn’t he just want to spare me the humiliation of his inevitable rejection by taking the easy way out through technology? So I text him back:

Well, I’m not coming.

There. Take that Ben.

I place my phone face down on the coffee table and know I made the right decision not to see him tonight. I get up from the couch and walk into my bedroom to throw on a good pair of sweats with an oversized t-shirt. With hunched shoulders, I schlep back into living room and flop down on the sofa. I need all the comfort I can get right now as I sit alone and miserable, thinking how quickly I have begun to morph into my mother. Maybe I should get a pet. I think I might add that on my list. Then Ben sends me a final text:

I understand.

That’s right. I think to myself, Ben better understand that I am not okay with going back to being just friends after that.

I turn off my cell phone and lean back on the sofa to snuggle up with my cozy warm blanket. Despite the pain I feel right now from knowing this confrontation with Ben is inevitable, I know I made the right choice. The last thing I want to hear is the dreaded “friend” word right now.

I continue to watch the opening of the Bachelor when a clip from last week’s episode reveals some upcoming secret-filled cliffhanger from one of the female contestants. This juicy new development makes me wish so badly that Jessica and I were speaking. I can’t stop thinking how much it pains me not have her in my life. Because as trivial as intensely discussing the Bachelor may sound, those ridiculous debates over who the Bachelor should end up with, or who the biggest jerk is, or who is on the show for all the wrong reasons, were one of the many things that bonded us. Of course there are millions of other things of much greater importance than this outlandish show that defined our friendship. But right now, it is something as simple as this that is breaking my heart knowing she is angry with me.

I have never needed her friendship as badly as I do right now. I have no idea what to do with my feelings for Ben, and more importantly, I don’t know how to control them. Only Jessica would be able to ease my pain and be a strong listening ear when I needed one. I have to make things right between us. I look down at my computer screen and open my email. I have at least a hundred and fifty unread messages, but I choose to ignore all of them. Instead, I select the option to compose a new message. My fingers tremble as I begin to type:

Jessica,

Please do not delete this without reading it first.

I never meant to hurt you. I know you are more than angry, and trust me you have every right to be. Just know that your friendship means the world to me. You are the sister/sibling I never had. I just can’t imagine my life without you. I am so sorry.

Megan.

Before I can change my mind and discard the email, I hit the send button and exit out of my inbox. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, as I drift off for some much needed shut eye. I only hope that Jessica misses me as much as I miss her, and that she can find it in her heart to forgive me.