Between Friends

Chapter 18

I would rather find myself running buck naked through the streets of Costa Rica with a monkey on my back, than surrendering to my feelings of envy over Ben and Stephanie. Here I am trying to be as mature and poised as possible, innocently sharing a slow dance with Steven. Yet Ben has chosen to let Stephanie suggestively dry hump him on the dance floor right in front of me. Who does Ben think he is?

Ben keeps perfect eye contact with me and sways Stephanie from side to side. He laughs at everything she whispers in his ear, which I know isn’t funny. Stephanie rarely makes for riveting conversation, let alone witty banter. I remain locked in Steven’s arms thinking Ben knows exactly what he’s doing. He is trying to make me jealous, but I will not let him get the better of me. I refuse to engage in his childish mind-games. I will not succumb to him.

How on earth, did it boil down to this? We were friends, the best of friends. How did I suddenly become subject to irrational feelings of lust, jealously, and heartache over Ben? I am blinded by numb disbelief when I think of him in his old wrinkled Nirvana t-shirt at the ripe age of sixteen, followed by an image of us young and dumbly cruising around in his mother’s mini-van rocking out to Blink 182 and eating cheeseburgers from McDonalds. I wish so badly we were back in those moments, in that innocent place and time when everything was easy and not complicated. When Ben was nothing more to me than a cute jokester with adolescent acne.

Ben’s familiar voice interrupts me from my thoughts, “Can I cut in?”

I look up and see his thick long fingers roughly grip into Steven’s shoulder as he towers behind him. Steven looks a bit taken back by his request, and jerks free from his grasp. I stare directly into Ben’s eyes, feeling outrage well up inside me. Does he not understand I am furious with him? Does he not understand his sleeping with Stephanie is a deal breaker? Can he not understand if he ever wants things to be the same between us, he needs to give me some space right now! Steven shifts in my arms without even turning around to acknowledge Ben and tensely says, “You can have the next dance.”

For a moment, Steven and his smug demeanor amaze me. I like how he doesn’t give in to Ben, but I don’t dare look up. An instant later, I hear the music stop and Ben arrogantly chuckle, “Well it looks like your dance is done.”

Steven tenses in my arms, “Well I think Megan was going to accompany me to get another drink. Right Megan?”

I feel myself stop breathing and a tingling sensation trickle up my spine. I feel the fight for testosterone building between the two of them, and the look of disbelief on Ben’s face only solidifies Steven has crossed his personal line of manhood. Steven’s bold and unyielding response must be a first in the life and times of Ben, who isn’t used to anyone challenging him or rejecting him - Ever.

Ben clenches his jaw and clears his throat. For once he is speechless. I can’t help but feel like it serves him right, especially if he thought waving Stephanie in front of my face was a good idea. Well ha… two can play at this game. I will show him a thing or two about rubbing something in someone’s face.

“I could use another drink.” I smile.

I don’t dare look back, but I internally grin as I escort Steven up to the bar. I know I am acting juvenile and ridiculous, but he has crossed the line. Ben needs to respect my wishes about us being over. Besides, I am not the one who slept with one of our mutual friends and kept it a secret like he did. I justify my actions, and think I am not being mean or vindictive. I am just not allowing myself to get sucked in by Ben.

“Two vodka waters” Steven orders as soon as we hit the edge of the bar. He takes a deep breath and says, “So do you think we could carry this little thing we got between us back in Chicago?”

“Sure.” I say, even though I am not sure what I want.

“Good.” Steven says with a glimmer in his eyes.

He passes me my drink and we clink our glasses taking a long uncomfortable sip together. Steven wraps his arm around my lower back and grazes my behind in the process. He hugs me close to his side and says I smell amazing. I knew spraying a little Chanel No. 5 was a good idea after all. I thank him, even though I feel a slight bit uneasy and a little light-headed.

Our eyes lock and my heart pounds out of my chest. Steven’s lips slightly part, and he has never looked so serious. As a little Foreigner plays in the background, dragging couples up off their chairs and onto the dance floor, I feel myself start to tremble. I take a large gulp from my drink and nervously laugh as Steven gently tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I bite my lip and quickly look away. Is he actually going to try and kiss me? Here?

I scan my surroundings, and notice we are the only two people tucked away in the dark corner of the bar area. This is when my worry sets in. Not because I am not interested in seeing what Steven’s gorgeously plush lips taste like, but because frankly I am not ready for this type of PDA. Oh God, he is leaning in, he is going to try and kiss me! I tilt my head down and pretend to be mesmerized in the ice cubes clinking around in my drink, but Steven persists. I feel his fingers gently tilt my chin up to meet his gaze and I want to yank myself away, but I can’t.

I close my eyes in anticipation of Steven’s lips locking with mine, and…

WHACK!!!

Steven is ripped away with a whoosh of air, coupled with simultaneous screams and shouts. I jerk my eyes open and see him scrunched up on the floor in the fetal position. He is shouting out in pain, and everything is moving in slow motion. I look up confused and watch Jessica screaming at the top of her lungs at something/someone behind me. I whip around and see Ben shaking out his clenched fist with Michael holding him back against the bar. I turn back to Jessica surrounded by her family while Steven’s brother Dave helps him to his feet. Steven has a huge red shiner around his left eye, and then it dawns on me. I am mortified. Ben just sucker punched Steven.

“What the hell was that Ben?” Jessica shrieks for the fifth time as I watch a vein pop out of her forehead, “Megan! What is going on?”

Jessica and Michael’s family are staring at Ben and I with looks of horror. Jessica’s mother is completely disgusted and shakes her head. I feel ill when Stephanie and Michelle forcefully place their hands on their hips and wait for my response. I look back at Ben red with rage and he locks his pain stricken eyes with mine. I feel myself begin to shake. Everyone’s eyes are on us, but neither of us has a response.

“Don’t even tell me you two are sleeping together!” Jessica shouts, stating the obvious.

“I knew it!” Michelle shrieks.

“Ewe!” Stephanie adds covering her big mouth with her hand.

“Well are you?” Jessica shouts.

Our shameful silence only solidifies everyone’s suspicions.

“I can’t believe you two.” Jessica says with tears welling up in her eyes.

“Jessica I am so sorry…” I cry.

“Don’t even!” she shouts cutting me off. She begins to tremble as the tears roll down her cheeks, “You hide this from me? You let me set you up with my cousin? Then Ben punches him in the face? At my wedding! Both of you get the hell out of here! You ruined everything! GET OUT!”

Michael releases Ben who doesn’t dare look back at me, or anyone else for that matter. He storms out of the hall while I stand there frozen, wishing I could rewind everything. The look on Jessica’s face is enough to bring me to tears. They well up in the corner of my eyes and I choke back the humiliation. I think how Jessica has waited for this day her whole life. She wished and prayed for it to be as flawless as her ivory skin, but now it is anything but and everything is ruined.

“Jessica, please. I am so sorry.” I grovel, but Eric grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me out of the hall with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I slump down on the cement walkway outside, and yank myself free from Eric’s grasp. He peers down at me with an awful look of disappointment splashed across his face. It reminds me of a look my mother once gave me when she unexpectedly came home for lunch one afternoon in the ninth grade and caught Jessica and I skipping class to catch up on a few missed episodes of the OC (compliments of Michelle who taped every single episode due to a slightly crazy Seth obsession).

“Jessica is never going to forgive either of you for this.” Eric says shaking his head.

“What…the… hell… was Ben… thinking?” I choke between sobs, “When you…go …back in…tell Steven…I am so …sorry.”

Eric flops down beside me and wraps his arm around me, “Eventually everything is going to be okay, but right now -”

“No it’s not.” I wail, “Everything is ruined! Jessica will never talk to me again!”

Eric hugs me a bit tighter, “How long has this been going on?”

“The night before we left” I whimper, finally feeling my tears begin to settle.

“That sly son-of-a-bitch.” Eric laughs.

“What’s so funny?” I ask

“Well, you guys have been dancing around crossing the friend line since the tenth grade. It’s about time.” He snorts.

“That’s not true.” I shout crossing my arms in front of my chest. Now feeling betrayed by Eric too.

“Come on Megan, I see the way you two look at each other. We all do. You guys even act like a couple.” Eric says releasing me from his hug.

“That’s because we were best friends. Not because we liked each other.” I wail, “Besides, I never wanted any of this! I was happy how we were. He’s the one that started it!”

I wait for Eric to say something more, but he only stares back at me with skepticism, as if he doesn’t believe for a second I was opposed to Ben’s charming good looks. I guess I expected him to be more understanding and sympathetic to my circumstance. I know I am to blame, but I do not want to admit it. That is why I didn’t turn down his coin toss that night. Drunk or not, I secretly hoped it landed on heads. I wanted Ben more than I let myself believe. I feel anger welling up inside of me, “Well he slept with Stephanie too!”

“Whoa…what does that have to do with anything?” Eric calmly asks.

“They kept it a secret from all of us.” I defensively shout trying to pull Eric on my side.

“That’s no secret. I knew they slept together.” Eric laughs, “Stephanie practically raped him that night after the party you held at your place.”

“Great.” I sigh.

“Ben’s been with a lot of girls, you know that.” Eric says, and if this is his attempt to try and make me feel better, it isn’t working.

“Yeah exactly, he’s a player, and I’ve been played.” I snort throwing my head into my hands.

“Stop the dramatics Megan.” Eric laughs and continues, “Have you ever seen Ben ever get that upset over a girl, ever?”

I pause and think hard, but I can’t come up with anything, “He just can’t handle hearing the word no, and I am just the first girl to ever to say it.”

Eric rolls his eyes and rises to his feet, “Believe what you will. Come on. I’ll walk you back to your room.”

“No, it’s okay. I think I want to walk alone.” I say wiping away a few residual tears and pull off my ridiculous heels.

“Are you sure?” Eric asks raising his brow.

“Positive.” I say, when he gives me meager hug of pity.

As soon as I hit the sheets, I break down. The tears burn my cheeks, and my silent heaves of agony are never ending. I can’t get the look on Jessica’s face out of my mind. It was compiled of three of all the worst emotions: disgust, betrayal and anger.

All of this eats me alive. How am I ever going to make this up to her? How is she ever going to forgive me? I have gone from the best maid-of-honor to every bride’s nightmare. I can already see Jessica retelling this story to her new clique of suburbia housewives:

So not only did she lie to me about sleeping with Ben, she humiliated me by letting me set her up with my more than perfect cousin. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Ben ruined my whole wedding by punching my sweet cousin in the face and revealed their dirty little secret and embarrassed me in front of my whole family. They ruined my big day! Can you believe the nerve of her? After all these years?

I slam my head into the pillow and scream. Damn my shit luck. This is why I don’t do relationships! This is why I play by the goddamn rules and this is why I am blatantly neurotic. What in the world was I thinking tonight? Honestly, when I look back at how I acted, I was just a selfish fool. Not only did Jessica and Michael deserve better from me. But Steven deserved the truth.

If I thought I hated Ben before when I found out he slept with Stephanie, nothing compares to how much I hate him now for humiliating me and ruining the wedding. I curl up into a ball under the covers, still in my bridesmaid dress with trails of mascara streaking down my cheeks. I think of my mother, alone and miserable all these years. Is that what my life has come down to? Should I just go out and buy a bunch of cats and take up knitting as a hobby, because I feel like I am one step away from completely losing my mind. Whoever said friends with benefits would work was so wrong. This is way more painful than any other breakup I have ever experienced, and we weren’t even dating! I close my eyes and take a deep breath, feeling the most alone I have ever felt in my whole entire life.