I felt Kiera nuzzle into my neck, then her hold on me relaxed. Her breath washed against my skin in a slow, even pattern. “Kiera,” I whispered. “Are you asleep?” I waited several seconds, but she didn’t respond; she didn’t even grunt like she was partially awake. She just kept lightly breathing. Smiling that I’d made her comfortable enough to pass out, I gave her a small squeeze. “Thank you for doing this.” After a long pause, I found some courage and breathed the words, “I love you…so much.”
My throat closed up on me and I couldn’t say any more. I was a little surprised I’d even gotten that much out. Speaking my feelings was difficult. Even when I was saying it at a nearly inaudible level, even knowing that she couldn’t hear me because she was fast asleep didn’t make it any easier. Judging by how hard that was, I was beginning to think that I was incapable of ever telling her how much I cared. I’d just have to show her, and hope that she could correctly interpret my actions.
I held her for an eternity while she napped. Then my arm started falling asleep, and I knew I needed to move. We had time before Denny was due home, so I didn’t want to wake her yet. I shifted my position as carefully as I could. Flexing my hand, I tried to regain blood flow. The brief movement was too much though, and Kiera stirred in my arms. “Sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you,” I murmured when it was clear she was awake.
She startled at my words and sat bolt upright. Staring at the front door, she whispered, “Denny.” She seemed terrified as she glanced down at me.
Sitting up, I hooked some loose strands of hair around her ear. “You weren’t asleep long. It’s still early. He won’t be home for an hour or so.” Hurt that our moment was over, that Denny was occupying her thoughts again, I looked away. I understood her reaction though. I didn’t want Denny to see this either. He wouldn’t understand. I barely did. “I wouldn’t let him…” I met her eyes again. “I won’t let him see this, if you don’t want him to.” But if you do want to be with me, openly, we could come clean to him.
She shook her head no, and even though I nodded at her, a slice of pain ran across my heart. No, she didn’t want to be with me. No more than the brief, “innocent” connections we had. I knew that. It was stupid to assume she wanted more just because I did.
Kiera seemed a little overwhelmed by the intense way I was staring at her. I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, I just couldn’t turn away from the sight of her. She blurted out a question, like it had just come to her. “Where did you go when you used to disappear? When you didn’t come home all night?” She settled down beside me, and we sat side by side. Remembering all the times I’d run away from her, hiding, I smiled, but didn’t answer. She took my silence to mean something scandalous. “If you were…if you are seeing someone, you should just tell me.”
I cocked my head to the side, surprised by her assumption. “Is that what you think? That when I’m not with you, I’m with a woman?” I suppose that would explain some of her frosty attitude toward me, if she thought I was stepping out on her all the time. Not that we were together or anything…
Kiera cringed. She knew she had no right to feel jealous, since she was the one who was actually seeing someone. “You’re not with me; you have every right…to date.”
She’d grabbed my hand while she’d said that, and I stroked her fingers. “I know.” But what woman on this earth could give me what you give me? There is no one else for me. “Would it bother you if I was seeing someone?” I asked, insanely curious whether she would have the same reaction I did when it came to her and Denny.
Clearly not wanting to answer, she turned her head and swallowed. Surprisingly, she did answer me though. “Yes,” she whispered.
With a sigh, I stared at the floor. So we were both going to be miserable with certain aspects of each other’s lives then. Great. What did I do with that information? I didn’t want to hurt her, far from it; I wanted to love her. But what she was saying was that I would be largely alone as long as we were “together.” I would sleep alone while she slept with Denny, never be able to show her affection in public, and never be able to tell the world that I cared about her. And I would never have sex with her while we were in our pseudo-relationship. I didn’t want it with anyone else, but it made me feel really lonely to think of being celibate for the rest of my life. Could I live like that? What choice did I have?
“What?” Kiera tentatively asked.
Putting an arm around her waist, I rubbed her back. “Nothing.” Don’t worry about me. I can do this…
She melted into my side. “I’m not being fair, am I? I’m with Denny. You and I are…just friends. I can’t ask you to never…”
She again cut herself off before saying the word, and a small laugh escaped me. The word “friends” hurt though, and I suddenly wished this painful conversation were over. “Well, we could solve this little problem if you relaxed your rules.” Even though I was somewhat serious, I gave her a playful grin. “Especially that first one.” Let me make love to you again…
She didn’t share my humor, so I stopped laughing. Nothing about this topic was really that funny anyway, I just preferred laughter to hard conversations. Her face straight, she told me, “I’ll understand. I won’t like it, any more than you probably like me with Denny…but I’ll understand. Just don’t hide it. Don’t sneak around on me. We shouldn’t have secrets…”
I was dumbstruck for a second. She was giving me permission to sleep around, so long as she knew about it. I found it difficult to wrap my head around that one. Would she really be okay with me having sex with someone else? I was sure that she cared about me, a lot, but maybe it wasn’t as much as I’d thought. I mean, if she wasn’t affected by the idea…But maybe it did bother her as much as it bothered me, just like she’d said, but she was going to allow it to happen anyway, because we could never be a couple. There would always be a Denny-sized wall between us, and she didn’t want to deny me intimate contact…because she was in love with me. She had to be in love with me.
I felt full of sadness as I nodded at her. I wish it were you that I could date.
“So, where do you go?” she asked.
I smiled, welcoming the change of subject. “Where do I go? Well, it depends. Sometimes it’s Matt and Griffin’s place, sometimes it’s Evan’s. Sometimes I drink myself into oblivion on Sam’s doorstep.” I had to laugh at that one. Sam was still mad at me for throwing up on his roses.
“Oh…” She seemed genuinely surprised that my answer was so simple. She must have thought some very nasty thoughts about what I’d been doing. And, at one point in my life, she would have been right. I would have forgotten my problems by flitting from bed to bed. But ever since she had entered the picture, things had changed. I’d changed. And random sex with strangers wasn’t as satisfying as it had once been. It wasn’t even appealing anymore.
Reaching up, she stroked my cheek. The contact sent a thrill straight through me. Why did I need sex when just her touch did that to me? “Where did you go after our first time? I didn’t see you all day, all night. And you came home…”
Shit-faced? Well, I was wandering the city, dreaming up ways to tell you how much I love you, then I came home to hear you screwing my best friend. That’s what happened.
Not able to say any of that, I stood up and held out my hand. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride to Pete’s.”
She took my hand and let me help her up. She wasn’t about to let the conversation die though. “Kellan, you can tell me, I won’t…”
I made myself smile, even though I didn’t feel it. I did not want to talk about this. There was no point. I’d been hoping for a future back then, when we’d made love the first time, but that was a fantasy. I knew the reality, and I physically couldn’t talk to her about this. I couldn’t get the words past my lips. I could barely do it when she was incoherent. Having her stare at me, completely alert, was too much. It was too hard.
“You don’t want to be late,” I told her. Take the hint, this topic is closed. She pursed her lips, annoyed. She hadn’t wanted secrets between us, but there was going to be at least one. Until I was able, until I was positive that saying the words wouldn’t put me in an early grave, I would protect myself the only way I could, the only way I knew how. I’d stay silent and keep my feelings to myself.
Boasting her independence, Kiera told me, “You don’t have to give me a ride everywhere, you know.” When I gave her a playful smirk, she pouted. “I managed just fine without you.” I didn’t let her see, but her words sent a chill through me. I know you did.
I stayed with Kiera at the bar instead of heading to Evan’s for practice. I was sure Matt would be irritated when I didn’t show up, which would only make him angry at me again. But maybe not. He was probably really hungover. Maybe he wanted a night off. I thought about calling him and finding out for sure, but I was afraid he’d tell me to get my butt over there. And I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be here, laughing with Kiera and teaching her how to play pool. Sort of.
Griffin and Evan came in while I had Kiera bent over the pool table, helping her line up her shot, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I felt a little strange about having the guys see me in that position with her, but I acted like it was no big deal. Two friends playing a friendly game. Nothing to see here. Smiling, Griffin immediately grabbed a stick and started chalking up the tip, like he was playing the winner. Kiera and I were tied…we each still had most of our balls on the table. Pool just wasn’t my game. Kiera’s either. She was the first person I’d ever played who was just as bad as me. It was refreshing to actually have a chance for once.
After Kiera’s attempt missed, I tried my hand. I couldn’t see anything on the table worth hitting, so I just smacked one of the closest balls and hoped for the best. When I scratched, Griffin snorted and Evan patted my back. “You’ve got to look a few shots ahead, Kellan. Blindly hitting balls won’t get you anywhere.”
I gave Evan a sour expression. “Seeing a few shots ahead would require premonition. And if I could see into the future, I wouldn’t waste the superpower on a stupid pool game.”
Evan laughed, then asked, “What would you do with it?”
I looked past Evan to Jenny. She was walking from a table near the stage to the bar with a bright smile on her face, like today was the greatest day of her life. She almost always looked like that. “I would help out my friends, of course.”
Evan turned to look at what I was looking at, then he rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re still on that. Give it a rest already.”
I shrugged as a laugh escaped me. Teasing Evan and Jenny about their soul mate potential was one of my favorite pastimes. “I only call ’em as I see ’em.”
Evan shook his head, then glanced over at Kiera. His deep brown eyes grew inquisitive. “And what about you? Any new developments?”
My smile dropped a smidge. If he wanted me to ease up on his love life, then he needed to ease up on mine too. “Nope, nothing new.” I turned to watch Kiera miraculously sink a ball. She seemed shocked that she had, and snapped her eyes to mine. She let out a little squeal of happiness and did a little jig. It was adorable, and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her. Returning my attention to Evan, I quickly changed the subject. “Where’s Matt? Was he mad I didn’t show?”
Evan cringed. “No…he’s…um…not feeling so hot. He spent most of the afternoon alternating between lying down and throwing up. Griffin and I finally took him home before coming out here.” He scratched his shaved head. “We may have gone a little overboard on cheering him up last night.”
I shook my head, grateful that at least I hadn’t made him mad again. “Poor guy. Next time he should just accept the prostitute with a smile.”
Evan laughed and we both looked over at Griffin. He was leaning over a woman sitting on a stool, chatting with her friend. It was clear from his stance that he was trying to see down the girl’s shirt. Just as I was thinking it, Evan muttered, “Jackass.”
I was laughing with him when Kiera approached me. Seeing my smile made her beam. Her eyes were a pale shade of green tonight. Mesmerizing. “My break is over. You’ll have to finish the game with someone else.”
Leaning against my stick, I dramatized scanning the room. “Hmmm…whom to lose to?”
Kiera laughed, then placed her fingers on my shoulder. My skin tingled where she was touching me. “You shouldn’t go into it thinking you’re going to lose. You should always think you’re going to win.” She squeezed my shoulder, then turned and left. Conscious of Evan’s eyes on me, I watched her leave. Her words floated around my brain on a never-ending loop: Always think you’re going to win.
But the only thing I really want to win, Kiera, is you.