I bypassed the kitchen and headed for the downstairs bathroom. I made it just in time to be sick in the toilet instead of the hallway. Luckily there really wasn’t anything in my stomach. I flushed the bile away, then sat back on my heels. Tears stung my eyes, but I fought them down. I had known this would happen. I had to let it happen. I can share her. I can share her. I can do this…
Standing, I walked to the sink and ducked down to rinse out my mouth. When I was more or less put back together, I stumbled into the kitchen and prepared some coffee. Today was just a normal day. No need to let this affect me. The sound of Kiera coming rang through my ears as I poured my cup though. Hers was still sitting on the counter, cold. She’d come downstairs first, and I hadn’t been here…and Denny had swept her away.
I put her mug in the microwave, then sat down at the table and made myself drink. My hands were shaking. I heard the lovebirds coming downstairs before I saw them. With a deep inhale, I prepared myself for nonchalance. Denny was all smiles when he walked into the room. Well, of course. He’d just had a mind-blowing orgasm with a beautiful woman. I’d be smiling too. “G’day, mate.”
“Mornin’…mate.” I did my best to not have any bitterness in my voice. This wasn’t Denny’s fault. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just…was.
Kiera didn’t look quite as happy as Denny. She looked uncomfortable. Guilty. Her wet hair was a painful reminder of what she’d just done, so I concentrated on my coffee. I heard Denny kiss her, then he said, “Now I’m going to be late. You’re worth it though.” I knew what he meant by that, and my stomach churned again. I forced it to settle down. I did not want to have to run to the bathroom again.
After Denny said goodbye and left, quietness blanketed the kitchen. I broke it first. “I put your coffee in the microwave. It was cold…”
She walked over to the microwave, started it, then said my name. “Kellan…I’m—”
“Don’t,” I said, interrupting her. I didn’t want to hear an excuse. I didn’t need one, and she didn’t owe me one.
“But…”
Standing up, I walked over to her. I paused well away from her. I just couldn’t be near her right now. Not yet. “You don’t owe me an explanation…” I stared at the floor, unable to look at her. “And you definitely don’t owe me an apology.” I raised my eyes to hers. “So just…don’t say anything, please.”
Sympathetic pain flashed over her face, and tears pricked her eyes as she held her arms open for me. “Come here.”
I hesitated, torn. I wanted to hold her, more than anything, but the sounds of her and Denny weren’t leaving me. I felt like I’d just been electrocuted, and the residual jolts were still crashing through my body, frying me from the inside. I needed her though. She was my greatest pain, and my only salvation. She was the only one who could heal this hole in my heart, a hole she’d torn open.
Slipping my arms around her waist, I buried my head in her neck. I could do this. I could love her and let her go, all at the same time. She rubbed my back as she held me. It hurt, because those hands had just been caressing Denny, but it was soothing too.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice full of regret and pain; this was hard for her too. She didn’t like to hurt people, intentionally or otherwise.
Her words were simple, but they worked. A small Band-Aid of love was placed over the gaping wound of hurt. It didn’t completely heal the void, but it at least kept me from bleeding out. I exhaled a cleansing breath and nodded against her shoulder.
I love you, and you don’t need to apologize, because there is nothing to forgive. You’re not mine…
Chapter 16
My Girl
I drove Kiera to class like normal, but things didn’t entirely feel normal between us. The wall separating us had gotten just a little larger. But I had the power to fix this, to let the hurt go; I just had to be strong enough to do it. I made myself be funny, made myself be light and carefree. Once Kiera was safely tucked into her classroom, I felt exhausted from the effort. Even though I’d slept in today, I wanted to take a nap. I couldn’t though. I had to start mending things with Matt, and now seemed as good a time as any. I didn’t want to let this sit and fester too.
I headed over to Evan’s, since that was where Matt had crashed. Surprisingly, Griffin’s van was parked there. After the way things had ended, I’d kind of assumed Matt would have a restraining order against Griffin. Roxie approached me as I crossed the street. Wiping her hands clean on a rag, she said, “Hey, Kell. Miss the sleepover?” She indicated Griffin’s van with a tilt of her head.
I laughed at the look on her face. “Yeah, apparently, I did.” And I kind of wished I hadn’t. My morning would have gone a lot differently if I’d woken up over here.
Evan’s door was locked when I tried to open it, so I knocked and patiently waited for someone to unlock it. When no one did, I knocked harder. There was a gruff sound of mumbled voices, followed by a curse or two, then the door unlocked and cracked open. A pale blue eye framed by long strands of dirty-blond hair stared at me through the open space. “Kellan? You’re about a hundred years early for practice. Unless you’re here to make breakfast, go away and let us sleep.”
Griffin started to close the door, but I stopped it with my palm. “I was checking on Matt. He still mad at us?”
Griffin scoffed, like I’d said something funny. Opening the door wider, he pointed to a confusing pile of blankets and pillows on the floor near the couch. “Nah, he’s fine. We got him wasted to the point where he told us he loved us all.” Scratching his head, he let out a low laugh. “He even told Roxie he wanted to marry her when she showed up this morning.”
My eyes widened at that news. If they’d been partying late enough to see her, then they’d just recently gone to bed. No wonder Griffin’s eyes were bloodshot and he was wobbling on his feet. I glanced at Evan’s mattress in the corner; he was snoring so loud, I could hear it over the shop noise downstairs. Matt was quiet, but the mountain of blankets moved up and down in a rhythmic fashion. He was sleeping too.
Clapping Griffin’s shoulder, I told him, “Good. I didn’t want him mad at me for something you did.”
Griffin looked offended for a fraction of a second, then smiled. “Fucker’s always mad at me for something. You get used to it after a while.”
He yawned and I shook my head. “All right. I’ll let you guys get back to your nap then. You look like you need it.”
Reaching down, Griffin grabbed his junk and gave it a squeeze. “What I need is for Lola to drive down here and give me a freebie. Hooker or not, that chick was hot!”
I pulled the door closed while he was preoccupied with himself. “Night, Griffin.”
Since things with Matt were sorted out quicker than I thought they would be, I had some time on my hands. When I got home, I decided to pull out my guitar. I sat on the couch and played random rhythms. I used to do that when I was younger. Just play whatever came to mind, with no meaning or direction behind it. It was freeing, and it cleared my head. There was no drama, there was no pain, there was only music. In its own way, this filled me with as much contentment as being with Kiera. Almost.
I was lost in my impromptu song when the front door opened and Kiera walked through the doors. I checked my mental clock when I looked over at her, and knew she was very early. She must have skipped a class. I didn’t like that I was becoming a bad influence on her, but it did thrill me that she’d come home early just to spend time with me.
Pausing my fingers on the fret board, I shifted the guitar so I could set it down. Walking over, Kiera sat beside me on the couch. “No, don’t stop. It’s beautiful.”
I shifted my gaze to the floor, and even though I wasn’t looking at her, Kiera’s large, expressive eyes filled my vision. No, you’re beautiful; that was just me messing around. I set the instrument on her lap. “Here…try again.” I had tried teaching her before, but it hadn’t gone over too well. The sounds that she had produced from the instrument had been anything but soothing.
When I glanced over, I saw her grimace. “It’s beautiful when you play it. Something seems to happen to it when I try.”
Laughing, I twisted her on the couch so I could put my hands over hers. It was a happy bonus that I also got to hold her. “You just need to hold it right,” I whispered in her ear. I saw a shiver run through her body, and peeking at her face, I saw that her eyes were closed.
It made me smile that being close to me affected her so much. When our fingers were in the right position, I told her, “Okay.” Seeing that her eyes were still closed, I nudged her shoulder with a short laugh. “Hey.” Her eyes flashed to mine and her cheeks heated in embarrassment. It was such an endearing expression, I laughed again. “Here…your fingers are perfect, right under mine.” Right where they belong. I held up a pick in my other hand. “Now, lightly strum it like this…” I stroked the strings and they sang for me.
Kiera made a face, like she was sure she’d never be able to do what I’d just done. She took the pick when I placed it in her fingers though. She did what I did against the strings, but the sound was anything but beautiful. She just had a knack for being really bad at this. That was a skill in and of itself. I locked our fingers together and strummed our connected hands against the instrument. It sang again, with me doing most of the work.
Kiera relaxed into my body, and playing the song blind, I smiled at her. “This really isn’t so hard. I learned this one when I was six.” It was one of the first songs I had learned on the guitar, back when I’d taught myself to play.
I gave her a playful wink and her cheeks softened with color. “Well…you’re just more talented with your fingers,” she replied.
I froze as my mind instantly went into the gutter. When I laughed, she rolled her eyes and laughed too. “You have such a dirty mind. You and Griffin are a lot alike.”
I grimaced as I remembered Griffin talking about a hooker while he fondled himself. God, I hoped we weren’t that much alike. “I can’t help it if I think that way around you.” Wishing I could do more than just think things about her, I removed my hands from the guitar. “You try.”
To her credit, she didn’t give up until she’d made a noise that was somewhat melodic. I smiled when she giggled in delight at her accomplishment. I loved seeing the way her eyes glowed when she was happy, the way the corners compressed into warm wrinkles.
Once she had that basic chord down, I showed her another one. After a few attempts, she had that one down too, and then she could sort of play the song I’d taught her. She played for a while, but then she started flexing her hand, and I knew she was done for the day.
I set the guitar on the ground, pulled her into my chest, and started massaging her fingers. “You have to build up the strength for it,” I told her.
Perfectly content, her only reply was, “Hmmmm…”
I couldn’t help but notice she didn’t make any pleased noises this time. She was trying to make this easier for me, and I appreciated it. After a time, I stopped and simply held her. It was peaceful and wonderful, but I still wanted more. “Can we try something?” I quietly asked her.
She automatically stiffened, her eyes suspicious when she looked back at me. “What?”
I laughed at her reluctant expression. By her eyes, she thought I was going to ask her for something sordid and risqué. It amused me that I wasn’t the only one with a dirty mind. “It’s innocent…I promise.”
Lying back on the couch, I opened my arms wide in invitation. Her reluctance shifted to confusion, but she eventually nestled herself into the space between me and the couch. A happy sigh escaped me as I wrapped my arms around her. Yes, this is what I needed.
The fruity scent of her shampoo was all around me as I held her close. Her skin was soft and her body was warm. I felt whole and complete as I lay with her, and for the first time today, I was truly happy.
Still seemingly confused, Kiera lifted her head and looked down at me. “This is what you wanted to do?” Was she surprised that my request wasn’t sexual? I’d told her I’d be good. I’d meant it.
I shrugged. “Yeah, it looked…nice…when you did this with Denny…”
She nodded, looking slightly overwhelmed, then she rested her head on my chest, her eyes facing me, and wrapped her arm and leg around me. I nearly purred, it was so wonderful. Why had I never done this before? Because I’d never had anyone who cared about me before, that was why.
Sighing, I leaned my head against hers. I wished this never had to end. “Is this okay with you?” I whispered into her hair.
I felt her muscles release all of their tension and I smiled wider. She was relaxing with me. She was enjoying this. “Yeah…it’s nice. Are you okay?”
I felt her tracing a circle on my chest and I laughed. I’d never been more okay in all my life. “I’m fine, Kiera.” I’m wonderful. I rubbed her back and she clutched me tight. I firmed up my hold on her, savoring the moment. I really didn’t want this to end.