Leaning in, I whispered in her ear, “Do you want me inside you again?”
Her answer was instant. And surprising. “Yes…”
Her eyes snapped open as she came out of the mini-trance I’d coaxed her into. Her eyes were wide, like she was terrified I’d take her up on her suggestion without giving her a second to reconsider. “No! I meant no!”
I couldn’t help but smile at the expression on her face. She was flushed, from either embarrassment or desire. I tried not to laugh at her, but when anger flooded her face and she repeated, “I meant no, Kellan,” one brief laugh escaped me.
“Yes, I know—I know exactly what you meant.” You want to say yes, but you’re not ready.
When I saw Kiera again that afternoon, when she got back from school, she seemed spent. She was sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, but she obviously wasn’t watching it. She didn’t seem to notice me standing at the edge of the room, staring at her. Definitely tired then. She usually knew the instant I was looking at her. As I approached the couch, I wondered if I was to blame for her exhaustion. I hoped not.
Without looking, she started to stand when she felt the cushion compress beside her, like she knew it was me and she didn’t want to be anywhere near me. Her reluctance combined with her stubbornness was amusing. Grabbing her arm, I pulled her back down. Things wouldn’t move forward between us if she ignored me.
She looked my way with narrowed eyes, obviously unhappy that I was forcing us to spend time together. She crossed her arms over her chest, further letting me know just how put out she was. Did she realize how cute she was right now? She looked away from my adoring smile. Shaking my head, I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She immediately stiffened but didn’t pull away. Until I started pulling her toward my lap—then she jerked away like I’d poured ice water down her back.
I startled at her sudden movement and icy glare. I just wanted her to rest on me, like she used to. I wasn’t sure why she was having such a violent reaction until I understood what she thought I’d been implying. I started laughing, even more amused.
Pointing to my lap, I assured her that I meant nothing sordid by the gesture. “Lie down…you look tired.” Not able to help myself, I playfully added, “But if you wanted to, I wouldn’t stop you.”
Frowning, she elbowed me in the ribs. At least she realized I was joking. I grunted at the minor pain, then pulled her back to my lap. “So stubborn,” I muttered as she finally let me lay her down.
She twisted to her back, and I gazed at her and stroked her dark hair. She was so beautiful, and so unaware of it. She was unaware of a lot of things. Like how much she meant to me, how different she was from every other girl I’d ever met, how I’d do absolutely anything for her. Even leave, if she changed her mind and asked me to. I hoped she never asked me to.
“See…that wasn’t so bad, was it?” I asked her. We could have this every day again, if you’d just let me back in…
Kiera studied me while I stared at her with open longing. Did she see how much I wanted this? Was it apparent on my face? Would she understand if she saw it? She was so na?ve, so inexperienced. It made me believe that Denny was the only person she’d been with, the only person she’d opened up to. Maybe she really had no idea what she was doing, how much she affected me. Even though I knew I had no right to ask, curiosity compelled me to.
“Can I ask you something, without you getting angry?”
I was sure she’d say no, but surprisingly, she nodded. I couldn’t meet her eye as I asked my horrible, invasive question. I studied my fingers running through her hair instead. “Was Denny the only man you’d been with?”
By her voice, I could tell she was annoyed that I’d asked her that. I didn’t blame her. It was none of my business. “Kellan, I don’t see how that’s—”
I interrupted her with another jackass request. “Just answer the question.” Please. I know I have no right to ask, but I need to know…are Denny and I the only two people you’ve been with? Is that why you can’t let him go?
She seemed confused as she looked me over. I felt a little pathetic, so I was sure I looked it too. “Yes…until you, yes. He was my first…”
I nodded. I knew that. He was her first love, her first time, her first…everything. That’s why she was so deeply bound to him, why sharing her affections with me was so difficult for her, why just the thought of him leaving her sent her into near-hysterics. He was a part of her, down to her core. How could I possibly compete with that kind of history? I couldn’t. And I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to have all of her…just a tiny bit would do. A fraction of her warmth, a fraction of her love. I could be happy with that…
Kiera’s soft voice broke my train of thought. “Why would you want to know that?”
My hand in her hair paused as I stared at her. Keeping my smile plastered in place, I considered telling her the real reason why. I love you, but I know Denny has your heart. Most of it, anyway. I was just curious if there was a chance for you to love me more than him. But there isn’t. And that’s okay. So long as I have this much, it’s okay if he has the rest.
I couldn’t say that, so I said nothing and continued stroking her hair. Like she sometimes did, Kiera seemed to know that I couldn’t answer her, so she didn’t press me. She relaxed against me, and my mind started spinning as we stared at each other. I wanted so much to be the one and only in her eyes, but that wasn’t going to happen. Even if she and Denny did separate, that wouldn’t happen. He was too much a part of her. But she cared about me…we had something, and I would cling to that for as long as I possibly could.
While I watched, Kiera’s eyes filled to the brim with tears. The green depths shimmered at me, and the pain behind them was unmistakable. I frowned as I wiped away a tear that had rolled down her cheek. Why was she crying? “Am I hurting you?” I asked, hoping that I wasn’t; I didn’t ever want to cause her pain.
“Daily,” she whispered.
And there it was. My flirting with her, teasing her, playing with her…trying to kindle the fire between us so she’d accept us…was hurting her. I was a bastard, yet again. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Her brows scrunched together as she snapped, “Then why are you? Why don’t you leave me alone?”
My heart felt like she’d just tightened a vise around it. You begged me to stay. You cried for me. You made love to me. How can I possibly leave you alone after that? When I love you more than anything else in this world? I just want a part of you, is that too much to ask? I frowned, hoping she wouldn’t tell me it was over…completely over. “Don’t you like this…being with me? Even…just a little?” Please say yes. I can’t handle it if you say no.
She hesitated, like she wasn’t sure what to say, then her entire expression relaxed, as if she’d accepted the truth. Finally. “Yes, I do…but I can’t. I shouldn’t. It’s not right…to Denny.”
Even though I was relieved by her answer, I didn’t feel happy. Denny. Yes, she was right about that. It wasn’t fair to him. None of this was. “True…” I said, nodding. I could only truly share her with him if he agreed too, and he never would. What sort of man would say yes to something like that? What sort of asshole would ask his best friend and the girl of his dreams to enter into a twisted relationship like that? My fingers paused in her hair. “I don’t want to hurt you…either of you.” You both mean so much to me…
We watched each other for several long minutes. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking as she watched me studying her. My mind was a jumble. Denny was innocent in all of this, and he deserved better, but I couldn’t give up my true love. Not entirely.
Kiera and I could still have an intimate relationship, but it would be purely emotional, not sexual. I would sacrifice the sexual aspect and wouldn’t push her to sleep with me. I would respect that part of her and Denny’s relationship, and Kiera and I would go back to the nonsexual contact that we’d had while Denny was gone. Then I would get to keep the closeness that I really needed from her. And if we weren’t being sexual, then we wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore. This could work.
Or it could backfire…and we’d all lose.
“I’ll leave it at this. Just flirting. I’ll try not to be inappropriate with you. Just friendly flirting, like we used to…”
She seemed surprised by my suggestion. And I suppose it was absurd, but…I needed her to agree to it. I needed this. “Kellan, I don’t think we should even…not since that night. Not since we’ve…”
I smiled that she still couldn’t say it. The memories of our intimacies flooded through me, but I let them flow right out. I could give that up, if it meant I got to keep her. I stroked her cheek, wishing it was more, but knowing it never could be. “I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you.” A burst of wickedness flashed through me, and the words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. “Or I could just take you right here on the couch.”
Stiffening on my lap, it was clear she didn’t find my suggestion funny. “I’m joking, Kiera.” I sighed.
She shook her head. “No, no you’re not, Kellan. That’s the problem. If I said okay…”
I smiled as the thought of making love to her again clouded my senses. “I would do whatever you asked.” Anything. Everything. Just say yes.
She looked away from me, exposing her neck. I trailed my finger along her cheek, down to her collarbone, and then to her waist again. She was so beautiful…Kiera looked back at me with a sharp glare, and I gave her a sheepish grin. This was going to be harder than I thought. Much harder.
“Oops…sorry. I will try.” I promise. Just give me a chance. Things were so good between us before. I want that back. No, I need it. Please, Kiera.
She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t object anymore either. I took that as a sign that she was considering it. I hoped so. I resumed stroking her hair, and eventually the repetitive motion lulled her to sleep. I smiled as I watched her eyes close. As much fun as it was to rile her up, to leave her squirming with desire and panting for breath, having her like this, calm and peaceful, was nice too, in a different way. I wanted to experience every emotion with her. Well, all the good ones at least.
When it was clear she was deeply asleep, I shifted her off my lap and stood up. She was still sleeping, but she had a frown on her face, like she missed me. I wondered if she’d dream about me. The thought made me incredibly happy. I wanted to invade her subconscious, just like she’d invaded mine. Leaning down, I scooped her up. She sighed in contentment and nuzzled her face against my chest. I closed my eyes and savored the moment. We could be so great together, if she’d just let me in. And maybe now she would begin to. Really, that was all I could ask of her.
I tucked her into her bed, then stared at her for the longest time. If she woke up and found me watching her like this, she’d probably think I was mentally disturbed. I wasn’t. Just in love. It felt good to admit that. If only I could admit it to her, then maybe she’d have an easier time believing that I wasn’t using her, or only interested in sex. It went so much deeper than that. But I couldn’t say those things. The words just wouldn’t come.
I left her sleeping in her room and headed out to go meet up with the guys. We had a gig tonight at Razors, and I was actually looking forward to it. I felt hopeful, for the first time in a while, and it lightened my heart, and my mood. I was joking around with Matt when Evan asked me about it. “You seem different. Not as melancholy as you were a while ago,” he said. “Something happen?”
Shrugging, I nodded over at Griffin. He’d just taken a drum off the van, and he was looking around like he had no idea what to do with it now. “Yeah. Clueless over there is actually lending a hand for once. That’s a modern-day miracle. Who knows what could happen next? World peace. The end of hunger. The Huskies and the Cougars getting along. Anything is possible. Except maybe that last one.”
I laughed as I pulled a guitar out of the van. Evan narrowed his eyes but didn’t ask me anything else. I kind of felt bad for avoiding his question, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. I was in love with Kiera. She saw me. She understood me. Well, she understood the parts of me I let her see. She meant everything to me, and wrong as it was, I couldn’t wait to see her again.
The next morning, Kiera came downstairs while the coffee was brewing. She hadn’t done that in a while. She’d been avoiding being alone with me, and as far as I knew, she hadn’t had coffee since the espresso stand; I still couldn’t think of coffee without thinking of her moaning beneath me. It was a damn shame that was over with.
I turned to greet her when I heard her enter the room. Her hair was messy and disheveled from sleeping, and she was still wearing her pajamas—lounge pants and a tank top. As usual, she wasn’t wearing a bra with it, and her firm breasts were clearly outlined beneath the tight fabric; her nipples were rigid peaks in the early morning chill. She was breathtaking. And completely oblivious to that fact, which made her even more enchanting.
“Mornin’. Coffee?” I asked, pointing to the pot.
She gave me a dazzling smile that made my heart skip a beat, then she slipped her arms around my waist, making my heart beat harder. Her touch surprised me so much, I stiffened before I relaxed into her embrace. God, it felt amazing to have her arms around me again. I never wanted to let her go.
Her gorgeous eyes were a tranquil green this morning when she looked up at me. “Good morning. Yes, please.” She indicated the coffeepot with her head.
Peace washed through me as I gazed down at her. Yes, this was what I really wanted. “You aren’t going to fight me on this?” I asked, pulling her closer.
She gave me a smile that matched the calmness I was feeling. “No…I missed this.”
I leaned in to place a soft kiss on her neck, but she gently pushed me back. “We do need ground rules though…”
I laughed, wondering what rules she’d come up with. Besides no sex. That one was a given. “Okay…fire away.”
She pointed out the one I was thinking about first. “Well, besides the obvious one, that you and I aren’t ever…” She blushed, unable to complete her thought. So cute.
Unable to resist, I teasingly drawled out, “Having…hot…sweaty…sex? Are you sure you don’t want to rethink that? We’re pretty amazing—”
She thumped me on the chest in answer. With a bewitching glare she told me, “Besides that obvious one, no more kissing…ever.”
My smile dropped. Well, that sucked. I liked kissing her, liked tasting her skin. Even if it wasn’t on the lips, it was incredibly enjoyable for me. And as long as it wasn’t on the mouth, I really didn’t see the problem with it. Maybe I could get her to see it my way. “What if I just stay away from your lips? Friends kiss.”
She frowned, then shivered. “Not like you do.”
I sighed, hating that she was taking that away, but too happy that we were finally on the same page to really care. At least I’d still get to hold her every morning. “Fine…anything else?”
With a saucy smile, she stepped away from me. Like her body was a game show prize, she showcased her breasts and her hips. That was a game I wouldn’t mind playing. “Off-limits…don’t touch,” she told me, a playful but serious note to her voice.
I could have guessed that much, and it was unfortunate, but I exaggerated my disappointment as I told her, “God, you’re sucking all the fun out of our friendship.” I reversed my expression into a smile, so she’d know I was playing with her. “Okay…any other rules I should know about?”
I opened my arms and she stepped right into them. Heaven. Her eyes searched my face. “This stays innocent, Kellan. If you can’t do that, we end this.”