When we got home, Kiera disappeared into her bedroom. For a moment, I thought she was going to back out of our arrangement. Disappointment instantly surged over me. I wanted this so much it hurt. It took her twenty minutes, but she eventually stepped out of her room, fully dressed. She was even wearing a sweater. I laughed as I looked her over. All that was missing was a set of gloves, a hat, and maybe a hazmat suit, and she’d be as protected from me as she could be.
As she stepped into the bathroom to brush her teeth, I playfully asked her, “Are you sure you’ll be warm enough in that?” She rolled her eyes as she shut the door, and I laughed. This is happening.
When she was finished, I changed places with her. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I heard her walk into my bedroom. She was in my room. Closing my eyes, I exhaled a slow breath. I could do this. I could keep it light, carefree, casual. I wouldn’t mess up and scare her away by going too far. Even though I wanted nothing more than to kiss every inch of her body, I would be good. The connection was what mattered, not the physical stuff. When I reopened my eyes, I glanced at my reflection. I still had sort of a glow about me, thanks to the layer of dried sweat on my face. I ran the water, made it as warm as I could tolerate, then rinsed my face. When I was done, I patted myself dry and looked again. I still seemed to be radiating. Maybe it was Kiera giving me the glow. With a shake of my head, I brushed my teeth. I was hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.
When I got back to my room, Kiera was standing in the middle of it, staring at the bed, her expression torn. I considered asking her what she was thinking about, but then she might want to talk about us. I wasn’t ready for that. There was safety in silence.
I indicated the bed, which she seemed reluctant to get into. “Go ahead. It won’t bite you.” With a laugh, I added, “I won’t either.” Keep it light, keep it playful.
She looked back at me with an amused smile, then took a deep breath and crawled under the covers. Like I told her I would, I lay down on top of the covers. It was an odd way to sleep, and I was pretty sure I was going to freeze my butt off, but I’d put up with anything to be with her. Accepting my chilly fate, I rolled over onto my side to face her. I slung my leg over hers and draped an arm over her stomach. Even through the blankets between us, it felt amazing to be next to her. It felt right, like I belonged beside her.
Stretching across her, I turned off the light on my nightstand. Darkness blinded me, but my other senses sharpened. I could smell the flowery fragrance of her shampoo as I laid my head down beside her and pulled her close. I could hear her soft breathing. My heart pounded in my chest, and I was instantly aware of every section of my body that was touching hers. What I wouldn’t give to be under the covers with her. To have nothing between us, no sheets, no clothes…no secrets, no walls.
“Kellan…” Her voice sounded a little strained, like she was struggling.
“Yeah?”
“Could you please turn the light back on?”
A soft laugh escaped me at her question. My closeness was getting to her. That made me happy. I wanted to get under her skin.
Reaching across her again, I flipped the light back on. I blinked in the harshness, and immediately missed the intimacy of the dark. Without light on us, it was easier to pretend that we weren’t doing anything wrong…that we weren’t skirting around a very dangerous cliff, where only pain and suffering were waiting for us if we fell.
Shaking off my morose thoughts, I lightly asked her, “Better?” Settling back down on the pillows, I propped myself up on an elbow so I could look down at her. Her eyes were more golden than green tonight. Honey, with emerald flakes. Gorgeous.
She seemed mesmerized as we stared at each other. Then all of a sudden, she blurted out, “Who was your first time?”
Her random question caught me off guard. “What? Why?”
Looking embarrassed, she swallowed. “Well, you asked about Denny and me. It’s only fair.”
Now I was embarrassed, and I studied my sheets. I shouldn’t have gone there, shouldn’t have asked her that. Damn curiosity. “I guess I did, didn’t I?” I peeked up at her. “Sorry about that…that really wasn’t any of my business.”
She gave me a victorious smile. “Just answer the question.”
I laughed as she used my line against me. Touché. Thinking back through my numerous dalliances, I tried to recall the details about the girl who’d taken my virginity. Bright blue eyes, platinum-blond hair, and a smile that promised a good time instantly filled my mind. I couldn’t remember her name…I’d always called her Marilyn in my mind. Marilyn Monroe. Classy, curvy, and kind of slutty.
While I recalled the past, a funny expression formed on Kiera’s face, like she couldn’t believe I had to think about it. I suppose it was a lot easier for her; she was still dating her first time. I laughed at her look, then told her, “Well…she was a girl from the neighborhood, sixteen, I think…very pretty. She seemed to like me…” Remembering just how much she’d liked me, I smiled. “It was just a couple of times one summer.”
Her expression changed and her voice came out quiet, like she was afraid her question would hurt me. “Oh…why, what happened?”
She seemed so serious about it that I couldn’t resist teasing her, and a part of me was curious if she’d believe me if I said something outlandish. Running my fingers through her hair, I murmured, “I got her pregnant and she had to move in with her aunt to have the baby.”
She immediately flipped to her side to face me. “What!”
Laughing, I poked her nose. “I’m just kidding, Kiera.”
With a grunt, she pushed me away. “That’s not nice.”
I sat up on my elbow again. “You bought it though. You must think the worst of me.” By her tone, I could tell she hadn’t doubted my story…because deep down, she thought I was the kind of person who would just abandon someone in that situation. She thought I would run if things were too hard. And I almost did run from Kiera. Was that why she didn’t trust me? Was I trustworthy? Look at what I’d done to Denny. “I’m not a monster, Kiera.” I may have broken Denny’s trust, but I’d never break hers.
Kiera propped herself up on her elbow and faced me. “You’re no angel either, Kyle.” She grinned at me in such an appealing way that I had no choice but to return her smile. I supposed she had a point. “So, what really did happen to the girl?” she asked.
I shrugged. The real story wasn’t all that interesting. “Nothing so dramatic. She went to her school, I went to mine. Different paths…”
Confusion passed over Kiera’s eyes. “I thought you said she was a neighbor. Why were you in different schools?”
My face went blank as I realized my mistake. I couldn’t tell her the truth, that I was incredibly young. Illegal young. Kiera wouldn’t understand what I’d been going through, what my life had been like, how sex had been my only comfort from endless torture. No, all she would see was my age. She’d be disgusted, think horrible thoughts about me. I didn’t want Kiera to think I was a sex-addicted monster. And I didn’t want her to think I was broken, messed up…so lonely I could barely stand myself. I didn’t want her to see the dark spots inside me. I wasn’t ready to open up like that. Just the thought made me nauseous, so I gave her the vaguest answer I could think of. “We weren’t in the same grade.”
I could see the gears in Kiera’s head turning, and I knew I needed to shift the conversation. “But she was sixteen…How old were you?”
It was the exact question I didn’t want to answer. But somehow, before I could stop myself, a portion of it slipped out anyway. “Not sixteen…” No…I was twelve years old. Clueless. A child. But you wouldn’t understand…
Kiera still looked confused. “But—”
Angry at myself for letting way too much out, I firmly told her, “You should get some sleep, Kiera…it’s late.” And I’m not going to talk about this anymore.
I thought she would fight for more information, but instead, she seemed to sense that I wasn’t ready, and she let it go. She brought her hand out from under the covers, and smiling, grateful, I held it. We both settled back on the pillows, and I reached out to her and pulled her onto my chest. With her head above my heart, I began stroking her hair and rubbing her back. Peace replaced all the anxiety that I’d felt about her finding out about my past. None of that mattered anyway. Only right now, with her in my arms, mattered.
She nestled into my body and I instinctually kissed her head. It happened before I could stop it, but she didn’t push me away, didn’t storm from the room. She didn’t do anything. She just lay on me, enjoying my comfort as much as I was enjoying hers.
While we lay together, her fingers started tracing my body. She began near the cut along my ribs, the knife wound I’d gotten for her. She then ran her fingers up my chest, and my heart started beating heavier. It felt so nice to have her touch me. Sighing softly, I squeezed her tight.
She noticed that she was affecting me, and I watched as she pushed herself up to look at me. Tiredness was in her eyes, but it only made them more intoxicating. “Kellan, maybe we shouldn’t—”
No, I don’t want this to end. Ever. “I’m fine, Kiera…Get some sleep.”
She lay back down, but shifted to rest in the crook of my shoulder. That was fine; it felt nice too. She reached over to grab my hand and lace our fingers together. She brought our entwined fingers under her cheek, then rested her head on them. I sighed in happiness; I’d never felt such a warm connection with anyone before. I thought the world could end right now, and I’d still be completely at peace.
I kissed her head again and she whispered, “Kellan…?”
Knowing she was concerned that this was becoming too much for me, I reassured her. “Really, I’m fine, Kiera…”
She peeked up at my face. “No, I was just wondering…why do you want to do this with me? I mean, you know it’s not going anywhere…why waste your time?”
A slice of pain cut through my perfect moment, but I buried it as best I could. I would take whatever she could give me. “No time with you is wasted, Kiera. If this is all…” I couldn’t confess all my desperation, so I left it at that.
For the first time, she seemed to understand that this wasn’t about sex for me. That she meant something to me, and I was struggling to handle the fact that she didn’t want to be with me. As she gazed at my face, I knew she was seeing me…really seeing me. It hurt, but I didn’t pull away, change the conversation, or alter my expression. This was me, laid bare.
Her eyes were battling some inner confusion as she released my hand and stroked my cheek. It amplified the pain. I’d never have her. Not fully. Brief glimpses of happiness would be all that I had with her, because tomorrow night, she’d be back in her bed, with Denny by her side, and I’d be alone. Always alone.
Now that I knew how amazing this felt, I hated the thought of never getting to feel it again. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I didn’t want to be without her anymore. I didn’t want to share her anymore. Selfishly, I wanted every section, every piece, every corner. I knew I was pushing against a line I’d sworn to never cross again, but Denny didn’t appreciate what he had. I did. I cherished every second I had with her, and I wanted our connection to be deeper. I wanted more.
Losing myself, I leaned over and kissed her, but just the very corner of her lips. I was shocked at myself for making a move that was clearly going too far, but Kiera was surprised too, and she didn’t push me away. I left my head there, breathing softly on her warm skin, and she did nothing. Nothing but hold her breath and continue to stroke my cheek.
As her thumb brushed my skin, subconsciously urging me onward, my resolve weakened. I wanted her so much. I needed her so much. I lowered my lips to her jaw and placed a light kiss there, then a light kiss under her jaw. She still did nothing, and she tasted so sweet…I needed more. My hands ducked under the covers and slid up to her waist, pulling her into me. My breath grew heavier, and with a soft groan, I trailed kisses down her throat. Yes. More.
My fingers clenched and unclenched around her hip. I wanted to rip the covers off, rip her clothes off, remove all the barriers between us. Breaths coming fast and shallow now, I pulled my lips away from her skin and rested my forehead against hers. I wanted her mouth on mine.
“Kiera…” I need you. Kiss me…or stop me.
I stared down at her, willing her to kiss me, praying that she didn’t. Would another taste drive me mad? She wasn’t saying anything, but her expression was a mixture of conflicting desires.
There was a connection between us, something beyond just physical attraction…I was sure of it. I saw the way she cared about me in her shy smile, felt it in the casual way she laid her head on my shoulder when she was tired, heard it in her laugh during the brief carefree moments when neither one of us felt guilty about what we were doing. Kiera was struggling under the weight of maintaining the barrier between friend and lover. She was torn, same as me, but I couldn’t stop myself anymore…
As my lips started lowering toward hers, her fingers on my cheek shifted over to cover my mouth, feebly trying to stop me. Groaning, loving the feeling of her skin against mine, I ignored her gentle rejection and closed my eyes. She didn’t move her fingers or try to stop me from kissing her, so I pressed my lips against hers, even though her hand was still between us. Pretending her hand wasn’t separating our lips, I kissed her fingers. Kissing them wasn’t enough though, and I started pulling her fingers away from my lips.
“I want to feel you…”
When her top lip was exposed, I pressed mine against it. Kiera acted as if I’d dumped ice water down her back. With a sharp inhale, she shoved me away and scrambled out of bed. That was when I truly realized what I’d just done, and what it might have cost me. Kiera didn’t want this with me; she’d said so a hundred times.
Out of breath and feeling panicked, I quickly sat up. “Kiera, I’m so sorry. I won’t…” I swallowed a few times, trying to calm down. Please don’t tell me this is over.
Kiera was struggling to breathe normally as she stared at me with wide eyes. “No, Kellan…this was a really bad idea. I’m going to go to my room. Alone.”
She pointed at me, and I felt like her finger was a dagger in my heart. No, don’t leave me. I struggled to move my body. I felt like my hands and feet had turned to lead. “Wait…I’m fine, just give me a minute. It will pass…” Please don’t go.
She put both arms up to stop me. “No…please stay here. I can’t…I can’t do this. That was too close, Kellan. This is too hard.” She backed up to the door.
No…please don’t say goodbye. I’ll be good. “Wait, Kiera…I’ll do better. Don’t…don’t end this…”
She paused as she took in my stricken face. I felt like my world was shattering as my utopia crumbled around me. I was an idiot for thinking tonight would be anything other than a gigantic mistake. I should let her go, I just couldn’t.
Her expression softened as sympathy washed through her. “I need to be alone tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”
I couldn’t speak anymore, so I nodded and watched her leave. Like me, she was going to be alone tonight. Her torment would end tomorrow though, while mine would continue. But at least I’d had a moment of pure peace with her. Even though my heart was cracking and I was terrified she’d change her mind and stop this thing we were doing, I would hold on to the feeling of holding her in my arms. I’d hold on to it forever.
I love you, Kiera. And I’m sorry.