Late Wednesday night, a knock at my door warned that the time had come to face Ben.
I sat curled up on the couch, a book lying listlessly in my hands. I had been planted there for an hour and hadn’t read a single word.
I looked through to the door, heart already pounding, breath already shortened. I couldn’t bring myself to move from the couch. How would I face him? How would I tell him I couldn’t do this?
My brain warred with my heart. My soul argued with my intellect. I knew what I should do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was forcing myself to lose someone I cared about all over again, only this time there was no one to blame but myself.
When I agreed to his date, I had been so worried that I would ruin things with my awkwardness and emotional unavailability that he wouldn’t want to continue any kind of relationship with me. Not even friendship. But it had been easy to be with Ben. So easy.
And after that kiss… I knew that I was the one that would have to end things with him.
He had shown me a truth that I wasn’t ready to see. He’d revealed a part of me that I had denied for a long time. Those things scared me.
Terrified me.
He had become the friend I could always count on, but so much more than that. He had become the man that I needed. That I wanted.
I wanted more and being near him without having more would be torture.
He was my slow death.
He knocked again, harder this time. I couldn’t help but smile at his persistence.
I pulled myself off the couch and dug deep for courage. I was an adult. I was a grown woman with grownup responsibilities. I could face Ben Tyler.
My hand shook as I turned the door handle, calling me a liar.
He stood there with one arm bent at an angle against the doorframe. His forehead rested on his wrist while he stared down at his shoes. My heart squeezed, he looked miserable.
His eyes lifted to meet mine and I noticed he hadn’t shaved in a few days. The rough growth suited him and tugged at something low in my belly. I ached to run the palm of my hand over the stubble, wanting to know what it felt like against the pads of my fingers.
“You’re ignoring me now?” he rasped gruffly. His dark eyes flashed fiercely.
I shook my head immediately, denying his accusation. “No.”
He stood up to his full height and pushed by me into the house. “I knew this was going to be hard, Liz. But you could talk to me about it. You could tell me how you’re feeling. I could help you work through this.”
Fear turned to anger, “So we’re just jumping right into this then? I’m fine by the way, thanks for asking.”
“I know you’re fine. As fine as you can be,” he ground out. “But I’m not.”
His words punched at my resolve making my breath puff out of me. “Ben-”
“We’re right for each other, Liz. The other night… that was a damn good night.”
“Maybe… sure, it was a good date, but that doesn’t mean there can be more. I don’t even know why we bothered. We should never have tried anything beyond friendship.”
He ignored me, “And all the other nights before that one? Also damn good nights. Every time I’m with you, I feel it, Liz. I feel it here.” He pressed his hand to his heart and I swayed from the ferocious emotion swelling inside of me. “I know that I need to be careful with you. I want to be careful with you, but I need some of that same respect in return.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Return my calls, Liz. Tell me what’s going on. Share your thoughts once in a while! I am trying here, but I can only do so much on my own. You have got to help me out or we’re not going to go anywhere.”
“Ben, I can’t do this. You’re not listening to me! I don’t want this to go anywhere! You’re asking too much of me.”
“I’m not.” He stepped right up to me. His chest heaved with his frustration and something else… something I wasn’t ready to acknowledge yet. “I’m going to be gentle with you, Liz. We’re going to treat this delicately. I’m going to let this happen slowly, let us fall slowly. But I am not asking too much of you.”
“This will never work!” I snapped at him. “We’re doomed from the start. I’m in love with another man, Ben! A man you will never be able to compete with because he’s dead!”
Ben’s hands reached up to cup my face. His thumbs rubbed over my cheeks, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized I’d started to shed. “I don’t want to compete with Grady,” he murmured. “And I don’t ever expect you to stop loving him. But whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve started something great. You don’t have to prove to me that you have room for two men in your heart. You’ve already made room. I think it’s time you realized that so we can move forward.”
I stumbled back a step, ripping myself away from his touch. His words made my skin tingle and my heart flutter. How did he know how to say such perfect things? How did he know how to reach inside of me and pluck my fears from my chest and my hesitation from my soul?
How had we gone from casual friendship to this? This felt earth shattering… soul-shaking… fundamental to my very existence.
I stood at a crossroads. I could continue on with my life the way it was, grieving Grady and refusing to take control of the life I had left to live. Or I could try this thing with Ben. I could acknowledge that not everything in life made sense and that Ben was right.
I loved Grady, but I cared deeply for Ben. I hadn’t thought it was possible to care for two men, but my heart had already made room.
This seemed ill-timed and impossible, but this incredible opportunity stood in front of me in a very nice package that I had come to believe I could not live without.
“What do you expect to happen between us?”