The Holders

14



“You should come, Becca,” Ryland said as we approached the hallway that led down to Jocelyn’s office. “What if he asks why you didn’t come?” Alex and I were walking him to his first ever meeting with his father, and every step he took seemed just a tiny bit slower than the last.

“He’s not going to ask, Ry.”

“You don’t know that.” He began dragging the toe of his foot along the stone floor with each step.

“I’m pretty sure, buddy.”

“We’ve been here for almost two weeks, and you haven’t seen him yet, you should come. Alex, shouldn’t she come?”

He may have been right. I’d not seen hide nor hair of Jocelyn since our encounter in the hallway on my first day – which Ryland of course knew nothing about – and I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. The idea of avoiding him altogether had been fine before he’d had the gall not to recognize his own daughter and make me feel like an idiot, but now I was done with hiding and avoiding. My only goal now was to show him that I didn’t give a damn what he thought, and the only way to do that was to see him. Or at least that was what I said my plan was, though as aloof and detached as I tried to be I still wasn’t quite able to give in to Ryland’s pleading for me to join him.

“Listen,” I said, stopping him and turning his shoulders to face me, “there is nothing to worry about. Alex is going to be with you, and I will be right down the hall.” His eyebrows furrowed reluctantly, and I decided to change my game plan. “You’ve been talking about meeting your dad for years, and now you are going to chicken out?”

“I’m not chicken!” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Looks like you are.”

“Am not!”

“You better go down and tell him that Ryland’s too scared to come,” I said to Alex over Ry’s head.

“No! You’re scared, I’m not scared! I’m not scared of anything! Come on!” he turned to Alex. “Let’s go.”

“Nice,” Alex whispered with a laugh.

“I’ll be in the lounge when you’re done.” I grinned, to which Alex nodded, then chased after Ryland who had stomped off without him, more than happy to prove me wrong.

I turned back up the hall, trying to push past the knot that had formed in my stomach at Ryland’s accusation. Was he right? Was I scared?

No. Fear is a reaction to the unknown, and I knew exactly what would have happened if I’d gone in with him to the meeting, and it wasn’t something that Ryland needed to see. In any event, no way would I ever admit to being scared of anything that involved Jocelyn.

Luckily the lounge was empty, and I pulled one of the oversized armchairs up to the bay window and sank down into the soft, worn leather. Just as I was seriously considering taking a nap, I heard Chloe’s singsong voice coming down the main stairs.

“There you are! I was knocking at your room not a minute ago! I got a new shipment of magazines today, come up and have a look at them with me!”

“I would, but I can’t now, maybe later.”

“You waiting for someone?” she asked, leaning over to look out the window.

“Ryland is in with Jocelyn, and I told him I’d be here when he gets out.”

“Oh… the big meeting.” She sat down on the ottoman at my knee. “Was he scared?”

“A little, but he’ll be all right.”

“Sorry,” she said, standing. “I’ll leave you be.”

“No, stay,” I insisted. “I could use the company. Besides, there is something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Ever since my talk with Alex about my parents, I had been meaning to take his suggestion and ask Chloe about the Anam thing he had mentioned, but as Chloe usually did most of the talking, I hadn’t had a good opportunity.

“What’s that?” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

“What’s Anam?”

She stiffened, instantly nervous. “What? Why? Where did you hear that?”

“Alex mentioned it, and when I asked him what it meant, he said to ask you.”

“Wait, Alex said to ask me? Are you sure?”

“Yes… he said you were an expert. Is something wrong?” Why was this such a big deal to everyone?

“No, it’s only that this was the one subject Alex forbid me to talk to you about… but since he was the one who told you to ask me–”

“Forbid you? Why?”

“He didn’t say, but I assumed it was because of your parents. I know that’s a bit of a touchy subject.”

“Oh. We had been talking about my parents when it came up, so I guess that makes sense.”

“But Alex said it was OK?” She was getting really excited now.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m the one who gets to tell you!” She jumped up, resituated herself, pulled the ottoman closer to my chair, and tucked her hair back behind her ears. I bit back a giggle, thinking that she looked like a preschool teacher about to tell a fairytale to a bunch of dewy-eyed toddlers.

“Anam,” she began, as though it was the most wonderful word ever uttered, “is Gaelic for soul, and it’s what we call the special connection or bond that can happen between a Holder and a normal human. The legend says that thousands and thousands of years ago, when the Great Goddess of Ireland was creating all the people of the world, she blessed each of them with a tiny bit of her magic. This magic became the person’s soul. It is what gave them the ability to love, to see right from wrong, to laugh, and hope, and dream, and care for one another. Once all the people were created, the goddess chose a small group of her favorites to give special powers to. These people would become Holders. But when she tried to give each of these people their special gift or ability, she found that the power of their soul was too great, and there was no room for the extra magic. The goddess had to remove a piece of each Holder’s soul to make room for their gift. Then she took the removed bit of soul and made it into a new regular human, so that none of her magic would be wasted. And so there would always be one special person out there for each Holder – someone who is the missing part of their soul – and when they find each other,” she sighed, laying her hands over her heart, “it’s like magic. All it takes is a single touch for your soul to recognize its missing bit. They say the connection hits you like lightning, and you’re never the same again.”

“Oh. I’ve heard of stuff like that. You know, Plato thought that at one time humans had four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. He said that Zeus was threatened by their power, and split them all in two, condemning them to wander the earth looking for their other half.”

“Oh,” she said, flipping her hand dismissively, “that’s just silly. I’m not just spinning tales, this is real. Min has known many Holders it’s happened to. She can even tell if a Holder has found his or her Anam without even asking. The change in the Holder after coming into contact with their Anam is so profound, that it’s actually apparent in their saol. She says she can see it plain as day. Though sadly, she hasn’t been lucky enough to find her own.”

“You mean there is no guarantee that you will find this person?”

“No, in fact these days most Holders never meet their Anam and spend their lives alone. It’s a bit of a curse really. The only person a Holder can ever be truly happy with is their Anam.”

“So you’re saying that most Holders are destined to be miserable? Oh, yeah, sounds great.”

“No, no, not miserable. That’s the good part I guess; you don’t fully know what you are missing until it happens, and then once it’s happened, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“And it’s always a Holder and a regular person?”

“Always.”

“What about the regular person that the Holder is bonded to? Do they get any say in all this?”

“They don’t have to return affection or interest, but they almost always do.”

“OK,” I said, trying to wrap my mind around this. “So, a Holder meets this one special person, and then bam, they just fall instantly in love? Seriously?”

“Oh, but it’s so much more than that!” She leaned forward, placing her hands on my knee. “It’s having someone who understands you, and is there for you no matter what. They say it’s like finding something you lost that you can’t live without, but didn’t know that you lost until you find it. It’s said to be the most completely fulfilling, all-encompassing, incredible love imaginable, and heaven and hell as my witness, one day it will be mine! I know my Anam is out there somewhere,” she said, a faraway look in her eyes. “And if I have to meet every single man on earth, I am going to find him! I don’t care how long – what?” she asked when she saw my lips pressed together in an attempt not to laugh. “I’m serious!” she whined with a grin, swatting my leg.

“Oh, no, I can see that,” I laughed. “It’s just that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this movie before,” I teased. “Now, either the boat’s going to sink and he’ll die, or you’ll eat some fruit, pass out, and he’ll have to come and kiss you to wake you up.”

She crossed her arms and glared at me as I giggled, though as offended as she was pretending to be, she wasn’t quite able to hide her smile. “You laugh if you will, but it’s true.”

“You are really excited about all this, aren’t you?” I sighed, sobering.

“You have no idea,” she sighed, tipping her head to the side and closing her eyes.

It was easy to see why Alex had called her an expert. Hopeless romantic might have been a better description.

“Wait,” I said, suddenly remembering. “Alex had said that Jocelyn had been married to his Anam?” Chloe nodded, sobering slightly. “So… my mom is supposed to be Jocelyn’s Anam?”

“That’s what we’ve been told,” she said timidly, wringing her hands. She could evidently see that I wasn’t happy with the idea.

“That can’t be,” I said decidedly. “If everything you just told me is actually true, then there is no way.”

“This is probably why Alex didn’t want me bringing it up until you were ready.”

My blood began to boil. “Jocelyn left us, he left her! If this connection is so important and profound how could he…?”

“I don’t know.” She stopped me, raising her hands apologetically. “I don’t think anyone is sure about all that, you know, with your mother and Jocelyn and all. He never talks about it, and of course we don’t ask. I’m only telling you what we have always believed. Maybe you could ask Min sometime, she might know more about it having been here for so long.”

“Right.” I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just… Sorry.”

“It’s all right,” she smiled, giving my knee a squeeze. “No worries.”

I sat silently trying to wrap my mind around the idea of a profound tie connecting Jocelyn to my mother, and quickly realized that I had no desire to think about it. It just wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. Either this whole Anam idea was just a story, or Jocelyn had lied about having a bond with Mom to, I don’t know, create sympathy or something.

Luckily, before I could get too worked up over any of it, I heard feet slapping against the stone floor making their way toward us. A few seconds later, Ryland came barreling into the lounge, a big smile on his face, calling for me like he was trying to wake the dead.

“Becca!”

“Ryland! Keep your voice down! For God’s sake, you’re in a school!”

“Sorry.” He rolled his eyes. “Hi Chloe!”

“There’s the lad,” Chloe said, patting the seat next to her.

“I just met my dad,” Ry gushed, plopping down next to her. “Becca said I wouldn’t go, but I did!”

“Did you now? And how was that?” she asked, shifting to face him.

“Great! His hair’s red like mine, how come you never told me that?” he asked, turning to me. “You always told me I had red hair because I was weird!”

“I guess I forgot,” I said, shrugging. Before he could retort, Alex’s arrival at the door caught my eye. “Can you keep an eye on him for a sec?” I asked Chloe.

“Sure, sure,” she said, waving me away. I left Ry to describe every detail of his meeting, while I went to get the scoop from Alex.

We walked down the hall a bit, making sure we were out of earshot before I asked, “How did it go?”

“Really well. He was reluctant at first, but it only took a few minutes for me to be able to slip out of the room without him even noticing.”

“That’s good I guess. Did Jocelyn tell him about the test, or anything like that?”

“He told him enough, though he made it seem very casual. Ryland probably thinks that it’s something all the students here have to do, and no big deal, which is exactly what we want him to think for now. He knows you’ll be there too, and doesn’t seem worried.”

“Good.” That was a relief. The last thing I wanted was for Ry to once again feel nervous or out of place, especially when he had just started to fit in.

“Listen,” Alex said, looking down, “I am leaving for a few days. There is a Holder who helps us occasionally: a Reader. He can sense other Holder’s abilities and gauge their level of power. Jocelyn thinks it might be a good idea to have him here for Ryland’s test, so Taron and I are going to go get him. But there’s,” he looked down again, hesitating, “there was something I wanted to talk to you about first.”

“OK,” I said, when he didn’t continue.

“Well… I know you will be here for Ryland’s test, but afterwards… I wasn’t sure what your plans were. I know you had originally said that you would return home after Ryland was settled, but… well I was wondering if you might consider… staying.”

“Staying here?”

“Yes. I know you mentioned starting school somewhere,” he continued quickly, “but you also weren’t sure where to go. St Brigid’s has a lot of college-accredited courses you could take for a semester or two while you decide. Chloe’s taking a few. I’m sure Ryland would like having you close. Anyway,” he handed me a small booklet, “I got this for you to look at if you wanted. It has all the courses in it, and I was just hoping that maybe you’d think about it.”

I looked down at the booklet, not really seeing it. I didn’t need to see it. It took less than a moment’s thought to make my decision. Hell, maybe I’d known all along, but needed Alex to bring it to my attention, or maybe it was Chloe’s words from that first night telling me again to think about myself for a change. Either way, in that moment, I knew what I wanted.

I wanted this. I wanted Alex. I wanted our walks and talks. I wanted to be wherever he was. But it wasn’t just Alex: I wanted it all. I wanted breakfast in the cafeteria, and crazy rainy weather, and girl talks with Chloe. I wanted random games with Mr Anderson and Mr Reid, and grandmotherly Min.

I wanted to belong.

I’d spent so much time thinking about how well Ryland was fitting in, that I hadn’t realized that I was fitting in too. Hadn’t thought that maybe we both belonged here.

“I know that it might be hard to be so far from your mother,” he continued, talking faster than he usually did, “but if you go to Princeton in the spring, you wouldn’t really be home anymore either way, and I’m sure she’d like knowing that you were with Ryla–”

“Thank you,” I cut in with a smile. “I’ll think about it.” I took the booklet from him with a smile, knowing deep down that the decision was already made.

The look on his face took my breath away, and made my heart pick up in a way that was becoming all too familiar. Though, for the first time my swoony-joy was just a little tainted as Chloe’s words echoed in my mind: The only person a Holder can ever be truly happy with is their Anam.

Alex was a Holder.

“I’ve got to get going,” he said, unaware of my creeping disappointment.

“Sure, yeah,” I said, crossing my hands over the booklet, hugging it to my chest. “Be careful.”

He moved to leave, but paused, seemingly unwilling to go. Then slowly, he lifted his hand, and lightly brushed his fingers along my jaw and down to my chin. He smiled once more, almost wistfully, before turning and striding off down the hall.

I stared after him, waiting for the red to fall back out of my cheeks. I knew Chloe had said that a Holder had to be bonded to be truly happy, but who knew, maybe Alex could be happy enough with me for a while?