The Holders

12



“What about McDonalds?”

“Yep. Actually, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the ones here are better,” Alex said, leaning over and placing his empty bowl on the coffee table. “They have curly or ‘twisty’ fries, and onion rings. Not to mention the ‘euro-saver’ menu.”

“Ha! As in, the dollar menu?”

Alex and I had spent the last hour sitting on the couch in my room, eating, talking, and laughing. I’d been throwing tons of random – and probably stupid – questions at him about how Ireland differed from the US, while he humored me with as many answers as he knew. The latest round of queries regarding food and restaurants had sprung from the Velveeta Mac and Cheese peace offering I had made us for dinner.

“That was really good.” He nodded toward his empty bowl. “Thank you. You didn’t have go to the trouble.”

“It was no trouble, I was going to make it for myself anyway, and I couldn’t have eaten the whole box on my own.” I paused with a grimace. “OK, that’s a lie, I totally could have. But I shouldn’t, so really you did me a favor.”

He laughed. “Well, thank you. You should have asked Ryland over, I’m sure he’ll be jealous when he finds out what he missed.”

“No,” I sighed, pulling my legs up under me. “He likes to eat with his new friends. Besides, Mom sent him a box of stuff too, so no way is he getting any of mine.” That last part was supposed to be a joke, but it came out a little too somber.

“Are you OK?” he asked, noticing my change of mood.

“Sure.” I smiled, hoping it didn’t look forced. I might have been a bit down with regards to Ry, but I was not about to turn into the whining ninny I’d been with Chloe the night before. I opened my mouth to change the subject, only to find Alex pensively studying me.

“Speaking of Ryland,” he said, as though he were afraid I was suddenly a giant bubble and might pop at any moment, “there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “I promise I won’t freak out,” I added, sensing that was his fear.

“It’s about Jocelyn.”

My nostrils flared, but I kept my cool. “In that case I promise to try not to freak out,” I amended with a smirk, only half-kidding.

“Jocelyn thinks that he and Ryland should meet before we test Ryland with the Iris.”

“Min mentioned something about testing him, what exactly is going to happen there?” In my defense, I really was curious. It wasn’t just a ploy to avoid the Jocelyn subject for as long as possible. Not entirely, anyway.

“As far as the test itself, not much. We will bring him to the Inner Chamber, put his Sciath on him – or what will one day be his Sciath – just to be safe, hand him the Iris, and see what happens.”

“See what happens? You don’t know what will happen?”

“The prophecies say that he will activate it, but we’re not sure what that means. There’s no need to worry,” he said, seeing the look on my face. “Abilities in general are subtle. Ryland will more than likely not even be aware anything is happening. Min will be watching his saol to see if there are any changes, and Jocelyn will monitor his subconscious thoughts to see if anything is triggered there.”

“Earlier you said that Ryland would be a mind-reader like Jocelyn, but now you make it sound like you don’t know what his ability will be.”

“That’s because we don’t. He may turn out to be a Reader like Jocelyn – his hearing thoughts is a strong indicator that he will be – or he may have an ability all of his own. Or he may be normal and it’s the use of the Iris that makes him special. We don’t know specifically what we are looking for, but when it happens, it should be obvious. Or so we’ve been told.”

“Nice to know you guys have a plan,” I quipped. “I’d hate to think you were playing all this by ear.”

“He’ll be safe. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Can I be there?”

“Actually, it was decided by all of us that you should be there. We think it will make Ryland feel more at ease. We don’t want him to be any more nervous than he has to be. Which,” he continued hesitantly, guiding us back to the original subject, “is also why Jocelyn thinks it might be a good idea that he and Ryland meet before then. If the day of the test is also the first day Ryland sees his father… well, like I said, we want him to be as relaxed as possible.”

I sighed, pursing my lips, knowing there was nothing I could do. Or at least nothing I could do in all fairness. I mean, I’d known this was bound to happen eventually, and – much as I hated it – I couldn’t stop Ryland from meeting Jocelyn. Even if I tried, he was bound to meet him after I was gone, and if it had to happen I’d rather be nearby.

“When?” I asked after a moment.

“In a few days. It will be two weeks before the test, and–”

“Yeah, thanks for that,” I interrupted. “Min told me that was you, and… well I wanted to thank you.”

He smiled and looked down. “It’s what was best for everyone.” I noted a little bit of tension in the air before he cleared his throat and continued his previous thought. “The test will be a week from Sunday, and you and I can take Ryland to meet Jocelyn sometime this week.”

“No,” I said shaking my head. “Ryland can go, but not me.”

“You don’t want to be there?”

“Oh, I want to be there all right, but something is telling me that it would be better if I wasn’t. Ryland is going to have to start doing these things on his own, and I think we all know it’ll go a lot smoother without me and my temper in the mix,” I said with a grin.

“You might be right,” Alex chuckled, though it was clear there was something else on his mind.

“What is it?” I asked.

He hesitated, looking slightly awkward. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want… I was just wondering, what happened, exactly?”

At first I wasn’t sure what he meant. “With Jocelyn? You don’t know? I’d assumed everyone here knew all about it.”

“He’s never mentioned it, and it’s not something that the rest of us talk about.”

“Well I guess it’s not something to be proud of, is it?” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my tone. Everyone here worshiped the ground Jocelyn walked on. Of course he wasn’t going to inform his fan club that deep down he’s a commitment-phobe and a deadbeat dad.

“All I’ve ever known was that at one time he was married to his Anam, and had two kids: a girl and a boy.”

“Wait, married to his what?”

Alex shifted in his seat, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “His Anam,” he said reluctantly, then anticipating my question, continued: “It’s umm… it’s nothing. Just a… sort of a bond…” He scratched the back of his neck, looking away. “Tell you what, you can ask Chloe about that one, she’s something of an expert.”

Ah. Must be a girly thing.

“Well,” I said, hoping if we moved on he would relax, “there isn’t much to tell.” I looked down at the couch cushion, not sure what to say. I didn’t mind telling him, but I was oddly embarrassed, as if he might think less of me if he knew my own father didn’t think enough of me to hang around. Hugging my knees to my chest, I decided to go for it, and hope for the best “He left us,” I said, though I couldn’t quite look up at him, resenting the emotion I felt building up in my throat. I sat there silently waiting for it to pass, while Alex waited patiently, knowing I would continue when I was ready.

“We lived in Maine when I was a kid. Jocelyn worked as a European history professor at the University of Maine and my mom was a nurse. When I was seven, Mom got a great new job at a children’s hospital in Pittsburgh. She was about to have Ryland and the hospital said she could start right after he was born. The day Mom and Ryland came home from the hospital we started packing, and two weeks later, Mom, Ryland and I were on our way to Pennsylvania, expecting Jocelyn to follow us in a few weeks after his semester at the university officially ended. The day we’d expected him to arrive, Mom got a letter in the mail. She’d gone into her room to read it, and didn’t come out. By that evening, my aunt Linda, Mom’s sister, had come to stay with us for a while. I only saw Mom a few times over the next few days, and when I did she looked sick. I assumed she had caught a cold or something, and needed Aunt Linda to take care of Ryland and me so we wouldn’t catch it. The only thing I couldn’t figure out was why Jocelyn hadn’t come yet. Aunt Linda was actually the one who told me that he wasn’t coming at all. A few days later, when Mom was finally well enough to come out of her room, she tried to explain to me that Dad had gotten a new job running a school somewhere far away, and that it was what he’d always wanted, and that we should be happy for him, and not to be sad, and that maybe someday he’d come and visit me. I bought it too, until I read his letter. Mom and Aunt Linda were out on the porch talking one afternoon, and Ryland was sleeping in Mom’s room. He woke up and started to cry, so I went to get him, and saw the letter on her dresser. It said that he’d been offered a position to run a private school in Ireland, and that it was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He’d also assured her that, while his time with her would always be something he looked back fondly on, that he’d lately come to realize that ‘family life’ wasn’t something he was suited for.” I heard the animosity in my voice growing, but I didn’t care. “Then of course he went on to say that he was really doing this for her, so she would be free to find someone who could give her what she deserved, and so on and so forth. All the same bullshit lines that people give who feel bad for doing something, but not bad enough to not do it. To this day my mom doesn’t know I read it.”

I paused again, my eyes having not moved from the couch cushion, as I couldn’t risk letting Alex see me get emotional over a man so undeserving of my time. Though thankfully, the more the conversation leaned toward my mother, the more the hurt began dissolving into anger.

“It killed my mother,” I stressed, finally looking up at Alex, wanting him to see the amazing Jocelyn the way he deserved to be seen. “She has never been the same. She loved him more than anything, and he tossed her aside like she was nothing; like we all were nothing. She didn’t deserve that.”

“None of you did,” Alex said softly.

“And now, I come to find out that this whole time he actually had the ability to erase memories and control minds? That he could have saved her all that pain? Yeah, I know he doesn’t believe in doing all that, but come on, you can’t tell me that would have been worse than what he did? He could have made her believe anything he wanted! He could have given her a chance to be happy, to move on and have a life. If he didn’t want to be with her anymore, he could have at least given her a chance with someone else. He owed her that much.”

I stopped and ran my fingers through my hair, giving it a shake. I was trying very hard to remember that the man sitting in front of me, listening to me with such warm sympathy, had been walked out on by both of his parents, and that I was really in no position to be complaining.

“Anyway,” I said to break the silence, though I was mortified that my voice cracked, “I’m going to opt out of ‘family time’.”

“Are you sure?” I could tell he wasn’t trying to force me – like, say, Mom might have – but simply making sure I wouldn’t come to regret my decision.

“Definitely,” I nodded. “Ryland will be fine, and you’ll still be there, right?”

“I’ll be there in the beginning. If Ryland is all right, I’ll step out into the hall and leave them alone, but I’ll stay nearby. I’ll make sure Ryland knows that I won’t be far.”

“Thank you,” I said softly, truly grateful for how wonderful he’d been to both Ryland and I since we’d left home. Looking back, I really couldn’t imagine having to do all this without him.

I held his eyes a second or two longer than I should have, trying to decipher what I saw, and wondering what he saw in mine. I’m not sure how long we sat there, but it was long enough to raise the hairs on the back of my neck and make my palms grow hot.

In desperate need of a distraction I reached down for our empty bowls, intending to take them to the bathroom sink. However, at the same moment I reached for his, he moved to hand it to me, causing us to collide. Instead of leaning back immediately, we both froze, our chests pressed against each other and – more notably – our mouths only inches apart.

I could feel his shaky breath on my cheek, and all I could think about was what his lips would feel like pressed against mine. Then suddenly, as if he’d read my mind, he began to slowly lean forward.

He was going to kiss me!

My hands started to tremble as I closed my eyes and tipped my head up. I felt his breath on my lower lip, tasted his warm scent on my tongue, felt the slightest brush of his nose against mine, and then–

Knock! Knock! Knock! “Becca?”

Ryland! Damn it!

We both turned our heads toward the door, and from the corner of my eye I saw Alex blink a few times, then stand calmly, take the bowls from the table, and walk into the bathroom, leaving me sitting on the couch in a – dare I say hot-and-bothered – stupor.

“Becca, you there?” Ryland called again from the other side of the door.

“Yeah, it’s open,” I called, rubbing my hands over my face.

He came through the door, all smiles, “Hey! Oh hey, Alex!”

I looked over to see Alex was indeed back from the bathroom.

“Hi Ryland, how’s it going? You like it here so far?” Alex asked grinning, as though nothing had happened.

“It’s awesome!” Ryland plopped down on the couch, right where Alex had been all evening.

“Glad to hear it. I’ve got to run, but I’ll see you soon, OK?” he said, looking decidedly at Ryland and not me.

“OK, bye.”

With that, Alex tuned and opened the door, stopping only when I called to him, “Will I see you tomorrow?” I realized that I probably sounded needy, but I sure as hell wasn’t about to let him leave without so much as a nod in my direction after almost kissing the guy.

Almost… Damn!

He turned and met my eyes for the first time since leaving with the bowls. “Of course,” he said, as though there could be no other answer.

He shut the door behind him with a soft click, while Ryland began digging through my goodie box from Mom.

“Aw! You got peanut butter M&M’s, I only got plain! Can I have some? I’ll give you some of mine. Becca?”

“Hmm?” I asked, still looking at the door.?“Can I have some M&M’s?”

“Sure,” I said, lying back against the couch. “Whatever you want.”