I awoke sometime near dusk with a loud commotion going on outside my window. I wondered if it was the celebration the werewolves planned to put on for me, but I didn’t want to delude myself into thinking I held any importance any longer. I stood at the window, but I didn’t want to gaze at the festivities below. I stared at the scenery, where sky kissed mountain and ground in the same bordering line of the horizon. The night sky was darkest at that line and lightened ever so slightly the closer the sky stretched toward me, as if the color ran out the closer it got. And it made sense, because I thought my life lacked the color and the luster it once had.
A knock at the door startled me from my thoughts. I turned finding the door opening as I started to approach.
“A’lainn,” Enid said.
I forced back the tears of joy stabbing at my eyes and forced a smile to my face, but still, my heart broke. “You’re still calling me that?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because, I—” I paused and took a deep breath to calm myself. “At least I still have one friend left here.”
“Is everything okay? You want me to get Marren?”
“No,” I said, then added following the look of confusion on his face, “Marren, doesn’t want…to be bothered by me, right now.”
He didn’t seem convinced, but he nodded slowly as if he understood and held his hand toward the door. “I would like for you to come on a walk with me.”
“I can’t leave.”
“A’lainn?”
“I can’t leave. I can’t…”
He sighed. “That’s all right. Whatever is bothering you, I’m sure there is a perfectly good explanation.”
“I tried to find that explanation but the only thing that has come to me is I’m not wanted anymore.” I turned around and walked to the window again. “I’m sorry, Athair, but I cannot go anywhere until I can cross over. From there, I will spend the rest of my life living alone. What I’ve done has shamed him. He won’t speak to me or even look at me. I’m sorry, but I want to be alone.”
“Very well.”
I heard the door close, letting the tears fall down my cheeks in a steady, flowing river. The ache in my body was like a horrible weight on my shoulders, pinning me down to the ground. I was stuck, unable to leave and forced to remain out of sight. Shunned. Rejected. Unwanted.
The door to the room opened up, and I knew better than to think it was Marren. I even somewhat scorned my heart for reacting as though there was enough hope to even warrant the jump in pace. I heard steps come in a few feet then turn and walk back out, closing the door.
I turned, finding a tray of food sitting on the bed. My mouth turned to ash, and my stomach churned. I didn’t want to eat. There wasn’t a reason for me to. I hated myself, my life, and I somehow managed to lose the one thing I loved and let into my heart. I didn’t deserve to eat or be brought food. I picked up the tray and sat it by the door carefully, then walked back to the bed and crawled in.
Chapter 18
A Reprieve Earned
Three days passed, blurred like a faded dream or the memory of one. I couldn’t be sure if I was forgotten in that room or if everyone had left and moved onto better things. It was quiet. It was cold. It was empty. I was alone.
The sky outside the window had turned cloudy with chunks of puff colored a darkened gray. Rain filled the air, sweetening it with the promise of a cleansing shower. I decided that I needed to get out of the room and find a place to let the rain come over me.
I stepped out into the hall and tried to use my memory to find the cliff that Marren had taken me to.
Marren… Did he think of me as often as I thought of him, or as fondly? Did he miss my touch as much as I missed his? Did he miss the scent of my hair, the warmth of my skin, or the sweetness of my kiss?
These questions tortured me in the late hours of the night when I would wake from a dream of us, in a place where this stupid war didn’t exist, and he touched me freely and willingly. A place where the mere sight of him didn’t hurt until I woke. Then the memories of reality come flooding back to me in a rush and bring me back to the lowest, darkest place of the world. Alone within myself, despairing and left wanting.