Burden of the Soul

23.

Within another hour, Liv and Rose were setting out bowls of chips with dip and Oliver was hanging streamers and balloons throughout the first floor. People were beginning to pile in, most of whom I either barely knew or didn’t know at all.

Dave never left my side, though, so I was happy for that. Despite the emotional turmoil he must have been dealing with on the inside after losing his parents, he did what he could to keep a friendly expression on his face. He greeted guests with me, his hand holding mine, which really paid off when Trischa walked through the door. I watched as her jaw dropped and she glared at me.

From behindI could hear Oliver say, “Oh my goodness, thank you for having hot friends, Clara.”

The doorbell rang again and it was Alli, who bounced across the foyer to yank the door open, obviously hoping it was Cole this time but still pleased at what she found.

“Oh hey, Scott!”

Scott walked in with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders a little slumped, obviously uncomfortable with the crowd or the idea of a party in general. His feet dragged across the floor a bit as he walked in. His face and posture relaxed when he spotted me, which was easy for him to do since his head hovered above the horizon of the crowd thanks to him having four to six inches of height on all of us.

He cut through the crowd to me.

“Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah, no problem.” His hands went back into his pockets as a couple of guys drifted past him, bumping into his shoulder on their way as if he wasn’t there. The gesture made his shoulders slouch again.

“Yeah, parties aren’t really my thing either,” I said, making him smile a little. “At least no one’s trying to make us dance yet.”

His head turned down to the floor and his feet began to shuffle a bit. “Yeah, um… I wanted to talk to you about that. Well, about something…” He was shuffling more and even though I tucked my chin down to try and see his eyes I couldn’t get a good look. His chin dropped lower in response to my attempt.

“Clara, I was just wandering if maybe you would want to…”

“Hey, Scott.” I didn’t realize Dave knew Scott at all, and by the look on Scott’s face he wasn’t aware of it either. Dave pulled up on my side and took my hand. Scott noticed and stared, drawing his unfinished sentence into a long pause.

“Uh… hey, Dave,” he said finally.

“What were you going to ask me?” I finally caught his eyes as they bounced from Dave to me, then back to Dave. He let out a long exhale and pulled out an off-center, awkward smile for the pair of us.

“Uh… it was nothing. Nevermind.” Another sentence started and stopped but then he finally gave up, shooting us one last smile before ducking his head and passing the two of us to move deeper into the house.

“Huh, that was weird,” Dave said, watching the back of Scott’s head bob up and down above the crowd.

“Nah, that’s just Scott,” I said, feeling comforted by the fact that he came and that, despite all the things that had changed so drastically in the past few days, Scott would always be the same. My constant.

The house continued to fill and my head began to pound at the activity and noise level. I honestly just wanted to curl up in a corner and sleep through it. Brik kept shooting me worried looks from across the room, checking on me. I would nod and smile, and then keep going. My guess was that Rose had filled him in on what she knew and told him to hold off on his questions until morning.

There was a big piece of gauze on his forehead that tucked under his eyeglasses, which I felt badly about, but I saw no reason to confess.

I had somehow escaped with a can of soda and sat on the stairs while others whirled around below me in packs, giggling and showing off for one another. I saw Brik come into the foyer from the den on the left. His neck was curved downward and he leaned against the doorway with his shoulder. I nodded once saying hello and he rolled lightly off the doorway then climbed the steps, taking a seat just below me.

“Hey,” I said.

“Clara… I’m really sorry.”

“So am I,” I said, jutting my chin up in the direction of his bandage. A smile split across his face with a laugh.

“Yeah, it could have been a lot worse though.” His eyes softened as he looked at me, his expression becoming grieved by the different scenarios that probably ran through his head after my kidnapping.

“Oh don’t worry, it was nothing,” I said, making light of it to try and make him feel a bit better. “This is terrifying, though.” With one finger I panned across the scene in front of us—teenagers preying on one another, laughing and grinding as they mingled through the sea of bodies.

“Yeah, it terrifies me, too,” he said, allowing the smile to come back. He turned back to me bouncing his head a little and allowing the smirk to plant roots on the right side of his mouth.

“Brik, I really am sorry about everything. About sneaking out and the way I behaved. It’s just hard to know who to trust.”

“I get it, Clara. We’re going to have to learn to trust each other.”

For a moment I wondered if he should trust me.

“How do you know I’m here to help? Did I ever say that when I was a Master?”

“Why else would you come back?” He looked at me with a confused expression.

“I don’t know. I was just curious.” I didn’t want to elaborate.

“I underestimated you, Clara. I’m really proud of you, making it out alive and all.”

“Thanks,” I said with a hitch in my voice. I lowered my head, feeling unworthy of any pride while looking at my bare wrist where the key had once hung.

“He got the key, Brik. He still has it.”

He turned out toward the room and let out a large exhale, nodding with the new information. “But he doesn’t have you,” he said, turning back to me and laying a hand on my knee. “And that’s really all that matters. The rest we can figure out when the time is right.”

“Thanks.”

“Now… I need to go grab some food before Oliver eats all of it,” he said, standing up with a bounce in his knees. “I suggest you do the same.”

Rose found me on the stairs a few minutes later and climbed up to sit next to me.

“How are you holding up, hon?”

“Could use some sleep, but otherwise I’m fine,” I said. “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to figure out how to sleep with my eyes open. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to hold up.”

There was a silence that drew Rose closer to me on the step.

“How is he holding up?” she asked.

“Dave? I’m not sure. I haven’t really had the chance to talk to him yet about all of this.”

She leaned in a bit closer and slid her hand in mine. “No, I meant Devin. How is he holding up?”

My mouth fell open as I stumbled around for an answer. I never imagined anyone in this crowd would show concern for Devin.

“By the sounds of it, you just disappeared on him, and after the lengths he took to keep you alive… well, it just seems to me he may be a bit concerned.”

She was right. If the roles were reversed I would be a panicked mess right now, not drinking a soda leisurely at the center of a party.

“I hadn’t thought of that, but how do I…” She broke me off by taking the can of soda from my hand and winking.

“You look a bit chill, hon. Why don’t you go up and grab that purple cardigan out of your closet? It would look lovely with your outfit.” She stood up and floated down to the landing without ever looking back up at me.

I headed to my room, my heart pounding at the thought of maybe seeing him again. I looked down at the outfit I was wearing, just jeans and a t-shirt, and pulled down on the shirt to try and smooth out some of the wrinkles. I patted down my hair, smoothing out the strays, and then walked to my closet. I could see the clock on my nightstand flip to 9:36 pm. I would try and be only a few minutes in case Brik noticed me missing.

I walked to the back of the closet slowly, taking deep breaths to calm my pounding heart, and then lowered myself into a seated position with my knees tucked under me. I took another deep breath and closed my eyes.

The air chilled around me, cooling my skin, and I felt the fuzzy texture of the carpet under me slip away into a smooth, cold surface. It was a sensation that used to frighten me, but now brought comfort and excitement.

When I opened my eyes I could see the room sprawled out in front of me, and without hesitation, I got up and walked to the circle of light calling his name a few times. I was alone in the room, and after a few minutes, I lowered myself to the floor to wait, hoping he would come.

I counted my breaths, listening for any sound outside the dim circle of light that poured into the room from above. I had lost track of how long I had been sitting there, waiting. The cold of the stone floor was bleeding through my legs, nearly to my knees. Just beyond the light’s edge, I could see the room’s wall wrapping around in a circle, pausing at the ornate wooden door and beginning again on its other side.

Each time my chest rose and fell I whispered, “Please come.”

This was our place, the secret place that only we could find. A place created especially for us to be with one another away from the storm outside that we were gathered in, away from the fighting and the two sides working to annihilate each other.

In this room, neither of us was burdened by the weight of opposing sides using us as weapons against the other. Here, I didn’t have to think about who was right or the losses of loved ones we had sustained. Here, I could simply allow the touch of his skin and the blue of his eyes to overwhelm me. Here, in this room, we could simply connect and slip out from under the truth we lived outside—that one day, in order for this war to be ended, one of us would have to kill the other.

My heart began to sink. The air was cool and brisk, icing my insides as I took a large breath in and held it. The room smelled of freshly fallen snow, melting as I exhaled. I shifted my weight and used my hands to push myself up from the floor, straightening my back and allowing the pools of tears that began gathering in my eyes to spill over and down my cheeks as the realization hit me.

He wasn’t coming.

I turned and walked out of the light back to the spot in the wall I had somehow entered and realized I wasn’t quite sure how to get out. Each time I had left the room it was because someone else brought me back to real life. I laid my palm flat on the wall and felt around for a bit, but the coolness was soothing and tempting. So I laid my cheek flat against it and let out a sigh as the cold stone soothed the cuts and scrapes.

Then I heard heavy panting and someone stumbling behind me. I turned and saw Devin fall into the light, soaking wet. His clothes were dripping and he was breathing heavily, flushed in the cheeks.

“Clara!”

“I’m here,” I said, running to the center of the room and falling down to my knees in front of him.

His head fell back and he let out a huge sigh of relief. He fell forward, wrapping his arms around me, his wet clothes soaking into mine.

“I thought you drowned. I thought I killed you by accident,” he said, still gasping for air.

“No, I’m fine. I’m back in New York. I’m not sure how, but I’m safe.”

“I’ve been searching for hours. I covered every inch of that lake.”

His concern warmed me, and I pulled in tighter to him, letting my chin slip up to the side of his face so my lips were right next to his ear.

“We’re safe now,” I said in a whisper.

“They think you’re dead. You were right. They were so happy. He wanted me to kill you.”

“It’s not just him, remember. My guys seem to want me to kill you, too.”

His arms tightened around me and I felt one of his hands slide up my spine and hold the back of my head tightly just on the outskirts of the gash. It ached with the new pressure, but it was worth it to feel him pulling me into his body.

“We can’t. We can’t ever,” he said.

My heart leapt with his admission. I knew I couldn’t, but to hear him also admit he couldn’t and refer to us as a "we" gave me hope that maybe there was another way. There had to be.

His hands scrolled to the sides of my face and pulled me back so he could look me in the eyes. My hands didn’t want to leave him. They didn’t want to be disconnected from him ever again. They rolled up his sides to his arms and slid down to his wrists as I allowed his hands to tilt my face up to his.

We just looked at each other, our eyes skipping around taking in every detail of the other. His face dipped in and his forehead rested on mine, his nose tucked against my cheek. I could feel his warm breaths against my lips. My heart was ripping at the inside of my chest then and my breathing became heavy.

“Devin,” I whispered.

And then he connected with me, his lips falling onto mine furiously pushing and tilting. His hands were still on my face and slowly rolled back into my hair as my arms reached around his neck. I felt the warmth of his mouth on mine. I felt my chest lunge into his as one of his hands slipped down to the small of my back, assisting the motion with pressure. His other hand gripped at my hair right over the stitches, and I winced.

He pulled back quickly, removing his hands from me.

“Oh god, I forgot. I’m so sorry.” His eyes drooped showing his remorse for the cause of the injury, but my body was still burning, and my hands wanted to pull him back to me. They shot up to his neck and locked around it, pulling his lips back to mine.

“I’m not.” My voice was that of hunger.

We fell back into each other, this time with one of his hands gripping at the back of my neck to direct my head. Our lips rolled over one another like waves beating against a rocky shore, with periods of gracefully rolling and others of furious crashing.

I felt a pressure on my shoulder that pushed down gently. His hands were still gripping at me tightly at other points, so the new pressure caught me off guard. And, as if carried by the wind, I heard my name spoken, but it wasn’t Devin’s voice, it was Rose.

I pulled back from him and looked into his eyes, implanting the vision in my memory as I rolled the pad of my thumb across his lower lip.

“Clara?” Her voice was louder now and felt closer. The light began to fade into a shadow, and his face disappeared as if behind a dark cloud. I felt his body slip away and the air around me warm. Within a few seconds I felt the smooth, cool floor grow into soft, fuzzy carpeting, and I was back in my closet.

Rose was above me, jostling me awake. I blinked my eyes a few times and saw her standing over me holding the purple sweater.

“I think that will have to do for now. Brik’s beginning to ask questions,” she said, reaching her hand down to help me up. “We’ll just tell him you fell asleep… I imagine it’s all you want to do right now.” She winked at me and handed over the cardigan before walking out of the closet and back out of my room.

But she was wrong. I suddenly felt charged as if I could stay awake for weeks with this newfound energy. I felt as if I was floating across the floor. My heart was still throbbing, and I pulled in some deep breaths to calm it, assuring it there would be more. Some day there would be more time with Devin.

I put on the cardigan and headed out into my room, noticing the clock on my nightstand now at 9:54 pm.

We stopped halfway down the stairs when Demetrius came rushing through the front door. His eyes scanned the room and met ours for a moment. It was difficult to decipher the intensity of his look. He took graceful strides through the pool of bodies in the foyer until he collided with Liv and Brik just inside the kitchen. I turned to watch the exchange while Rose squared her shoulders, ready for any possible outcome.

Demetrius grabbed onto Brik’s arms, and though we couldn’t hear him, we watched as Brik’s expression of confusion shifted. Demetrius lifted his phone up to allow Brik to see it. Brik then frantically grabbed his own phone out of his pocket, held it over his tattoo and then scanned his eyes back and forth at what he saw. All color drained from his face, his mouth dropped open and his arms reached up to grab onto Demetrius’s. I scanned over to Liv and saw that her hands had been raised to her mouth, hiding half of her face.

Brik took off at a run through the foyer, knocking teenagers off balance in his wake. Demetrius and Liv followed shortly behind, doing their best to set the bodies straight and apologize for their friend.

I braced myself, ready for directions. Something was going on and my body instinctually said “run.”

Her hand was on my shoulder. I turned to look at Rose and felt relief to see the corners of her mouth turned up in a smile.

“What happened? Is something wrong?” I needed her permission for my heartbeat to slow.

“Don’t worry, darling,” she said, her eyes glistening a bit around the edges. “Sometimes relief can be so great it mimics panic.”

I thought about that for a moment. It seemed a bit more like a riddle and I really didn’t have the brain space for that.

“So… everything’s okay?”

“Yes, everything’s okay.”

Dave stood at the bottom of the steps having seen the sudden chaos. He looked up and met my eyes with his own and a shrug of his shoulders. I took the last few steps at a jog to meet him.

“You okay?”

I nodded a few times with a huge grin. “Yeah, yeah I think I am.”

His hand took mine and we slipped through the center of the crowd, mixing in with the mass of teenagers having the time of their life.