Burden of the Soul

16.

The moment my muscles relaxed, my eyelids grew heavy and seemed to lock shut. The yellow glow of the light in front of me evaporated into darkness, and the musty air turned crisp and warm. The bench melted away, and I felt my body fold and rest in a seated position on a soft, textured ground.

It was a familiar feeling; one I had experienced a couple of times in my bedroom closet.

The smell of flowers and grass wisped under my nose as the darkness began to glow with white light in front of my closed eyes. I felt warmth work its way across my skin as if being cast by the sun peeking out from a cloud.

The weight of my eyelids lifted, and I blinked a few times, blinded by the brightness. My eyes adjusted quickly, and I looked out over vast, rolling green hills speckled with patches of wildflowers.

I stood up and turned. I saw a glowing orb of white light floating near me, swaying back and forth, and mirroring my movements.

“What is that?”

“That is Albert,” Brik said, pointing to the orb I was referring to. “And that is Rita.” He threw his thumb over his shoulder, where I saw an identical ball of light fluttering behind him. “They’re standing guard over our bodies while we make our little trip. It’s standard procedure now that all hell’s broken loose. No one crosses over without someone guarding their body. Better safe than…”

“…sorry?” I finished the sentence for him

“I was going to say ‘dead,’ but whatever,” he said. I turned a half circle to face the direction he was walking and saw in the distance thousands of glowing orbs floating and bouncing at different depths.

“Are you okay? I know it can be a bit unsettling the first time you do it.” His hand had reached out to my elbow, prepared to support me if my knees gave out from underneath as I took the turn.

“I’m fine.”

His eyes narrowed, looking into my face, confused. It occurred to me that I was fine because I had already made similar trips like this, only to a different location. A location I didn’t want him knowing about. I launched his attention in a direction away from myself to cover up my misstep. “What is this place?”

He turned to take in the great expanse of floating orbs, each permeating an atmosphere of soft light that evaporated into the air. “This is the Other Side… the world of your spirit, I guess you could say. You’re making it look this way.”

“I’m doing this?”

“Yeah, we see what we believe, or what we want to see. This is your image of heaven. The mind is an amazing thing.”

I was comforted by the surroundings. The smell of the grass and the light breeze that crossed over me a little bit at a time seemed familiar.

“What do you see?” I turned to him and met his eyes before he turned back to the horizon, following the bouncing lights.

“Right now I’m seeing exactly what you’re seeing.”

“Our minds have the same idea of heaven?”

The corners of his mouth turned down a bit and his eyes blinked a few times. The shadow on his cheek reappeared as he jostled over the question silently before answering. “No, it’s just…” He trailed off, a sound caught in his throat, and he inhaled deeply.

“My idea of heaven was one I shared with another person. That person is gone now, so I don’t like to go back there.”

He cleared his throat another time and then turned to me. “So I’ll settle for yours.”

“What did it look like when you were able to see it?”

“That, Clara, is a very personal question, and we’ve gone a full few minutes without bickering. It’s best we don’t ruin the moment.” He smiled and it softened his face. It was a much kinder smile than the smirk I had become accustomed to seeing plastered on his mug.

I started to turn in a full revolution, taking in the beautiful surroundings, basked in light so crisp that I could see every line and color. But then I stopped. The landscape I had known since a child sprawled out in front of me.

It was all there. The rolling green hills. The large oak tree, now with leaves bright red, changing with the season. There was only one thing missing from the vision. Devin.

“What’s wrong?” Brik never missed anything. The smallest gesture or fluctuation in breath—he picked up on all of it. I scrambled for a justification.

“It’s just so beautiful,” I said, covering. “Just look at that tree.”

“Right,” he said. “We should get going.”

We walked quietly side by side for a while, and the orbs he introduced as Albert and Rita followed closely, always flanking us. We passed under the other orbs, all looking like stars in a day-lit sky.

“What about those?”

“Other souls,” he said. “Just going about their business in the physical world.”

I turned to take in the scene and saw stagnant specks of black intermingled with the moving lights. We got closer to one in particular. It was black and ashen, as if a light had been snuffed out of existence by the end of a lit cigarette—specs of ash and flakes spread out, dulling the edges, floating frozen in air.

“And that?” I pointed to it.

“That is what remains of a destroyed soul, just a marking in space left at the very spot it was when its other half killed it.”

We kept walking to where a stone path emerged in front of us.

“Nice touch,” Brik said to me as we stepped onto the path, our footsteps puttering against the smooth gray-toned rocks.

“Uh, thanks.”

As we got closer to the horizon I could see that there was a sudden drop. As we reached the edge, I could see the edge of a cliff where the path jutted out into midair, and then turned. A stone staircase hugged the edge of the brown cliff side and went down a good quarter of a mile. Standing at the edge I could see the green floor below.

Off in the distance, beyond Brik, I saw a woman walking to the cliff’s edge. She wore a silver gown with strands of blue in ever shade swirling in the breeze. A long, sparkling train followed behind her, pulled by each smooth, graceful step she took.

Brik followed my gaze and we watched as she reached her arms out in front of her, palms upward, and then spread her arms out to the side. At that same moment, off in the distance, I could see the tip of a silver crescent moon peak out over the green horizon into the blue sky.

I turned back to the woman and stood in awe for a moment at her beauty. As she raised her arms slowly upward, the moon continued to creep out into the sky, exposing more of itself.

Brik turned to me and smiled. “That’s Diana. Amazing, isn’t it?”

I nodded, completely speechless. Brik looked out over the clear expanse in front of us and watched the moon sneak out from hiding.

“It’s amazing what people take for granted each and every day.”

We stood there in silence until the length of the crescent was visible in the sky, closer than I had ever seen the moon before, as if a line had been cast and pulled it in closer to the world. We both turned to Diana. She was looking at us, her arms hanging with the grace of weeping willow branches at her sides. She nodded once and Brik nodded in return. Then she turned and began slowly walking away from the cliff, her long train turning with her body and sliding blissfully across the grass.

“We best get on with it,” Brik said, motioning toward the vast staircase.

“We have to climb down this thing?” My voice was trembling at the thought of descending the massive staircase, clinging to the cliff side.

“You put it there,” he said. “Don’t be a chicken.”

I looked out over the sky again and saw a cobalt blue melting into the sky just under the moon as it rose—the moon pulling the night sky with it, Diana pulling the moon.

I looked down the steps and slowly took the first one, swaying to keep my balance. One of the bright orbs following us circled in front of me and began down the steps as well as Brik followed behind.

After the first few steps I felt at ease and balanced, as if I was floating down the carved stones, my hand loosely sliding across the cliff wall, feeling the smooth rock face. The sky continued to melt into a deep blue with stars beaming and dancing, occasionally diving and then fading away.

As we descended, I could make out the bottom of the cliff more easily and saw there was a large doorway with columns carved in the cliff side. And out across the massive green meadow were colorful, translucent figures floating lightly in midair. Hundreds of glowing orbs floated around them like fireflies against the dark sky.

“What are those?” I called over my shoulder to Brik.

“Souls preparing their physical forms… they’re waiting for their turn to go in.”

I looked more closely and could make out the forms of young boys and girls in different clothing styles. One little girl wore a sarong. Another little boy wore thick layers of clothing with fur trim. And others wore more recognizable fashion like jeans and sweatshirts, t-shirts and dresses.

They each looked like a holograph, like a visual whisper. I could see through each to the ones behind it, the layered pattern creating a visual illusion of a child wearing all forms of clothing from all cultures at the same time from the right angle.

“They solidify as the choice becomes more concrete,” Brik said, right behind me now edging me to pick up my pace a bit.

“The choice?”

“Each soul chooses. They choose the life they will have according to the lessons they need to grow. The end goal is wisdom and true compassion. The kicker is you already know all this stuff… I don’t get why you keep having to ask.” His tone was agitated and thick.

I stopped and turned, cocking my head up to meet his eyes. “So you’re still working on that whole compassion thing, huh?” I shot his tone right back at him.

He didn’t have a response so I turned and continued down the stairs, nearly to the bottom. The giant doorway was overwhelming. It was carved out of marble with strands of dark brown, cream and tan swirling with one another.

We reached the bottom and walked toward the doorway, a massive column on either side framing the opening into the cliff. Brik and I both took a few steps inside and were cast into the warm shadows of a long, elegant hallway. Albert and Rita lit our path as we walked, our feet thumping against the smooth granite floor.

At the end of the hall there was a bright light, and as we got closer, I could make out the shape of an arched doorway. As we approached it, my eyes adjusted to the contrast of the deep shadows of the long hallway and the magnificent light just beyond the door. Oddly enough, it all felt familiar to me. Like déjà vu. I wondered if I had dreamt of this place before. But then I began to wonder if Brik was actually right. Maybe it was possible all of this was of my own creation. Maybe some part of myself had been to these places before, walked down those stairs and passed under this striking doorway.

As we walked I could feel my movements morph into a regal grace. I felt as if I was standing taller, taking each step more confidently than I had ever walked before. I didn’t feel the least bit out of place, and my arms swung gently through the air possessing all of it.

Just a few feet away from the door I stopped and turned to Brik, expecting him to retreat a few steps and allow me to continue alone. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew beyond that doorway were the Masters I was being beckoned to, and something in me expected Brik to recognize his place as outside of that meeting.

“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m staying out here,” he said, his hands shifting to his hips.

“This doesn’t concern you, Brik.” Even my voice sounded deeper and authoritative. I felt like a whole different side of myself was emerging in this place—a side of myself that branded me an outcast in my normal life and high school class rooms and thus got tucked away. I suddenly felt older and at peace.

“Like hell it doesn’t concern me.”

“I will of course give you all the information you need.”

“That’s the thing, Clara. I don’t trust you yet.” He shot the recognizable glare at me, but rather than shoot it back as I had become accustomed to doing, I simply watched as he waited for a snide comment or agitated expression to surface.

“Fine.”

His eyes widened and he leaned back a bit, standing straight. “That’s it? Fine?”

“Yes. You may join me if you please.”

I turned and walked through the doorway and took in the pantheon-like room, completely symmetric and united as if carved from a single mountain of white marble. The ceiling curved in a large dome above me with a circular opening at its center – the night sky, now dark and sapphire blue, in deep contrast to the brightly lit white marble. There was no light source in the room. There were no light fixtures or candles. The bright, clear light was just present, emanating through the room.

I walked slowly to the center, directly under the circular opening above. I heard Brik’s heavy steps behind me just a few feet away. He came to my side as I turned and faced forward. Along the curved marble wall in front of us, there was an indentation where the wall came up half way. The carvings on the half wall were of figures, like ancient Greek Bas Reliefs or hieroglyphics.

I couldn’t make out each frame from where I was standing, but I knew each frame told the chronological story of human existence. Wars and violence were a recurring theme, with small pockets of peaceful cultures that were eventually squelched for their land or riches.

My eyes scanned to the right of the half-wall, where I saw something that seemed out of place in the room and made me breath in deeply. It was a large wooden door with a shining brass doorknob. Carved into the dark wood were delicate strands of ivy that wound around the edges until finally meeting in the center. Warmth seeped down my right arm. I turned to see the small key wrapped around my wrist glowing more brilliantly than I had ever seen it before.

I felt confused and took a step to approach the door, but as I stepped forward a majestic figure appeared from behind the half-wall.

It was a man with long white hair and dressed in gold and silver robes. He walked smoothly behind the wall, elevated from the ground level. I could see him from the waist up as he walked around the hidden, curving platform. Behind him entered a woman with delicate features and cropped golden hair. Her robes resembled those of the man.

Then another woman appeared, and then another man. Each with lightly colored hair and clad in shining robes. A line of angelic figures marched across the wall until the lineup consisted of seven men and six women. They each stood facing Brik and me, equally spaced across the marble elevation except for two breaks of empty space, openings where two others could fit, making the lineup complete.

In unison, they all lowered themselves, taking a seat just behind the wall, which curved in a lip over their laps, creating a massive stone desk.

“Hello, Clara,” said a male figure at the center. His hands were crossed in front of him, resting on the marble desk. He had champagne colored hair pulled back and tied in a knot behind his neck. His smile was soft and his voice echoed through the room with ease. There was no need for any of us to raise our voices to be heard.

“Hello, Trius,” I said. The name came casually to my lips. In a deep yet conscious corner of my mind I could feel my familiar teenage self stumble in surprise at the ease with which I addressed this group. Brik even turned to look at me, mirroring the reaction I felt in my mind.

“I’m afraid things have gotten into quite a mess,” Trius said, tilting his head to his right and then left, meeting the agreeing gazes of the rest. “It is, of course, to our great displeasure to say we told you so.”

“It is not over yet, Trius. Your patience is necessary at this pivotal time.” My voice nearly frightened me. It seemed to fill the room on all sides. It was deeper, not one you would expect to hear coming out of a teenage girl’s mouth. It carried such confidence and resolve, as if it held the wisdom of thousands of years.

I could see Brik turning from me to the council repeatedly. Trying to make sense of what he was hearing. It all started flooding back to my mind then, and I could feel my teenage self aware of it, ripping through the collected memories realizing that it had all been true. Devin and I had once sat on this council. I remembered and believed it looking once again at the two empty spots.

Brik hadn’t given me the whole story, but it wasn’t his fault. He gave me the story he had been equipped with. The Council of Masters was ready to give up on the Fallen Souls, both Rex and those who joined with him. Violence and the pull to darkness all souls entered the physical world to overcome was nothing new to the council. It was a process they had all experienced in their own lives, yet had overcome through their own growth. At times, each had gone back to help guide souls away from the tempting evils of the physical world.

Most had even paid significant costs with their lives, bringing them to the point of union with their other half, allowing them to ascend. It had always been people against people though. Never before had souls turned on one another, destroying the good in themselves for the gains of the physical world. The tables were turning and causing damage throughout both worlds, and there must always be balance. The Other Side was at risk, as were the Masters.

The Masters decided to turn their back on the world. It was their joint decision that souls had fallen to such an extreme that only an extreme consequence could make it right. And, if that cost was complete annihilation of those who were left behind, then so be it.

I had refused to accept the fate. I refused to lose all faith and returned, stepping down from the council to assist. As I was passing through, I was split, and the absence of my other half felt alien to me after so much time spent united. All recollection of the events, of my history was then hidden away behind the curtain of my physical self. I lived my life as a normal girl would, completely unaware of the significant battle going on around me. I was never able to recognize the emptiness I had felt at times due to the absence of my other half. As I grew, my teenage mind wrote it off as awkwardness and displacement within the social courtyard of adolescence. I assumed it was mediocrity.

But it was just loneliness.

At that moment, I hoped they wouldn’t venture into a further explanation of their “told you so” comment. I wanted to protect Brik from that awareness. His resolve was strong. He and the other Guardians were fighting because they had hope. I did not want that hope vanquished by the knowledge of the Council’s position.

I felt my teenage-self cowering in my mind at the magnitude of the truths that came to light, which pulled back the curtain of the ego.

“Clara, we cannot know the outcome or damage that will be caused if this turns out badly,” said the woman to Trius’s right. Her face was contorted with sincere concern. “If he succeeds in destroying you, that will be the end. There will be no return for you.”

A few members of the council turned and looked at the empty spaces along the desk and then turned back to face me.

“The risk is considerable, Celestia. There is no doubt. However there is still faith, and I am confident a positive outcome is worth the risk at hand.” Although I seemed to know their names, I could not place my history with any of them beyond the fact that I had once sat among them. That’s where the knowledge faded and loomed back behind the curtain of my mind.

“He may succeed,” said Trius.

“So far he has not,” I said.

Brik took a step forward to the council, and the glowing orb slid in behind him. “The Guardians have maintained a protective front that cannot be broken, Masters,” he said. “I assure you there is no immediate risk. There is no way Rex or any of his legions could gain physical access to Clara.”

The Masters shared looks between each other and I knew the meaning though Brik did not. He assumed they referred to Rex, but they had not. In unison, their heads turned to Brik, looking down on him with disapproval. They approached from Brik’s perspective.

“If that is true, sir,” said the man to the far left with long white hair. “Then why is it Clara and Devin have, in fact, connected?”

A woman at the far right, seated next to the open space, gasped slightly as a smile spilled out, lifting her cheeks. “Then it is true,” she said.

“These dreams and visions she has had are just that. He has not made physical contact. It’s impossible, sir,” said Brik, shifting his weight, taking on a broader stance, his arms hanging at his sides. A part of me knew there would be hell to pay for the admission I was going to make, but I also knew it was necessary to bring a grain of hope to the council.

“Ermest, Devin and my meeting was outside of the Guardians’ control and seemingly out of our own,” I said, looking straight beyond Brik to the man who had posed the question.

I saw Brik stiffen, all of his joints locking in place and then his head turned slowly after a beat of silence. His green eyes pierced at me from behind his glasses, and without a sound he mouthed the question for me alone to see—“What?”

I could see his teeth gritted together when his mouth had opened.

“So there is dissention within your ranks, and yet you continue with the ignorant confidence of a blue ribbon pig to the slaughter,” said Ermest. Brik knew the comment was meant for him, so he turned to retort, but I stepped forward resting a hand on the back of his arm to silence him.

“It seems there is dissention within your own, Ermest,” I said, flicking my head in the direction of the smiling woman who had appeared elated by the news of Devin’s and my reunion.

Half of the heads lined above the marble platform turned toward the woman—the other half stayed locked on my eyes.

“You have connected, and you are still here,” she said.

“Yes, I am. We are.”

“Trius, then it could be possible,” she said, turning then to the center where Trius sat motionless, his eyes on me. His eyes seemed worn and fatigued with sadness.

“And you continue to accept the risk as it stands,… Clara?” His hands were folded in front of him and he leaned forward awaiting my response. “You will not be able to return if the outcome is less than desirable.”

“They will not succeed in killing her, sir. We will not allow it.” Brik’s voice boomed a little too harshly through the room, overcompensating to win back the approval of the council.

Trius’s head dropped as he let out a long exhale. The others shared glances up and down the line before they all turned back to Brik at the sound of Trius’s voice.

“Son, I do not think you are aware of the sacrifice at hand. If she succeeds, as you would have her succeed, she will not be able to return. Whether by Devin’s hand or hers, she will still be resigned.”

Brik’s shoulders fell. He turned to me and his eyes glistened with shock. Then he turned to the empty space along the council line and then turned back. His bottom lip shook as if it was trying to formulate an answer for me, some sort of consolation, but it never came.

“Sir, there is no other way,” he said, turning back to Trius and the elders.

Trius let out another long exhale while shaking his head back and forth a few times. A few of the council members dropped their heads; others leaned back from the desk with obvious disappointment and unwillingness to play a part any longer. Two members, Ermest and the woman sitting next to him looked completely bored.

Trius leaned back and placed his palms on the marble surface, pushing himself up to a standing position. The others followed in one fluid motion.

Trius bowed slightly from the waist. The line of elders followed his lead and all mirrored the gesture, as I did. Brik had missed the cue so I reached to the sensitive skin just under his arm and pinched.

He jumped a bit and twitched out of my grasp, but then got the hint and bowed. The elders rose and turned together, then filed out the way they came in a graceful line that rose and receded with each step as if waves lapping at the shore.

I watched as Ermest, the last in line turned and glanced at me through narrowed eyes before he disappeared behind the marble wall along with the others. Then I was off to the exit, wishing I could go closer to the wooden door.

I felt positive it was the same from the stone room Devin and I met in, but I wanted the assurance of running my hand across it and trying the handle. There was no way to do that though with Brik around. He was following close behind with loud huffs of annoyance.

“Would you mind telling me what that was about?”

I put a hand up to quiet him without turning over my shoulder. I exited the bright room back into the darkness of the long hallway never altering my stride.

“Clara, stop. I’m not going another inch until you tell me exactly how and when you came in contact with Devin. They weren’t just referring to your dream, were they?”

“No, they weren’t.” I kept my back to him but stood still giving him the moment to calm down, though he opted to grow more and more angry. I could hear him huffing over my shoulder, so I turned to look and saw his fingers intertwined with his hair, gripping hard enough for his knuckles to turn white.

“Do you have any idea what could have happened?” He was yelling at me and a vein was throbbing in the middle of his forehead just above his glasses.

“Yes.”

“How could you be so careless? How could you put us all in danger like that, let alone yourself?”

He started pacing back and forth and was backlit by the glowing orb mirroring his every step. I felt bad for Albert or Rita, whichever one had been stuck with Brik in such a foul mood.

“Calm yourself, Brik. Nothing happened.”

“Oh something happened. You gave away your position. He knows where you are and therefore Rex can find out where you are and it can all come crashing down, Clara.”

I turned and started walking again. “It’s not like that. I don’t even know where we met,” I said, although after seeing the wooden door I was starting to get an idea.

“Clara!” It was a female voice I recognized as Celestia’s coming from deep in the shadows. I turned and saw her figure emerge. “A moment?”

“Stay,” I said to Brik, holding a hand up. Amazingly, he obeyed.

I approached and felt the warmth coming off of her, as if stepping into summer air from a sunny day. It folded around me and I felt at home.

“Just remember, you two have a way out,” she said. Her hand reached out to me and two of her delicate fingers captured the tip of the shining key hanging from my wrist. “It’s not all lost yet, though Trius seems to think so.”

“This is from you?”

“Yes. We had pledged to not interfere. When the soul was split there was nothing that could be done. I had little time to react. It’s the best I could come up with at the time.”

“Thank you, Celestia, but I’m afraid I don’t know what to do with it. There’s so much I don’t remember.”

She considered me for a moment before speaking. “What do you remember?”

“Nothing, I’m afraid. Things feel and seem familiar in odd ways, and I surprise myself a bit. But really, I’m blind to what all of this is and what role I am supposed to play.”

She looked over my shoulder with a cautious shade to her eyes. Brik must have edged closer to us trying to hear the conversation.

Her face appeared stiff and her smile too rehearsed when she looked back to me. Her arms extended and opened for me to return an embrace.

“It was really nice to see you again,” she said a little too loudly. “Please be careful.”

“Thank you, I will …” But a breathy whisper washed over my ear.

“Come back, alone,” she whispered. “I will have Diana show you.” She released me before fading back into the shadows, the forced smile still imprinted in her expression.