Burden of the Soul

17.

“Why can’t I go out with Dave?” The whiny tone to my voice had returned, not just because we were back in the physical realm, where I got to be a teenager full time, but also because Brik had made it his full-time job to piss me off.

We were all seated around the dining room table sharing the elaborate birthday dinner Rose had prepared while we were gone. It was the first time the dining room was being used, and we were all having fun just talking and eating. Leave it to Brik to ruin the mood.

“You can’t go out because you elect to keep secrets from us, which means we have to work harder at protecting you,” said Brik, digging his knife and fork into the food on his plate with a little too much force. “And I’m not going to bust my ass to find enough Guardians to cover The Bitter End tonight so you can go on a date.”

There was a band playing that Dave was intent on seeing, and he had invited me to join him and Cole. Brik immediately botched the possibility.

“Brik, we’ll go,” said Oliver, motioning to Liv. “It would be a nice change from sitting around here. Besides, that would make it three Guardians including Dave, and we’ll just tell his buddy we’re distant cousins or something. No harm, no foul.”

“You’re assigned to HQ guard tonight, Oliver,” said Brik. “And Liv is on Reservoir duty with Rita and Albert. Would you leave them short a Guardian?”

“My parents won’t mind, Brik,” said Dave. “They’re already cool with me going.”

“I mind. Besides. No one is trying to hunt down and kill you, Dave. And even if they did, the whole of existence isn’t resting on your next breath.”

Everyone hushed, taken aback by the venom coming out of Brik’s mouth with every word. Dave’s face gave away the sting he must have felt, but he did what he could to hide it by turning his head back down to the plate in front of him.

“Okay, I think it’s time for some cake,” said Rose, standing up from her chair and collecting a few dishes.

“I’ll help,” offered Demetrius, also standing. Of everyone, he always looked the most uncomfortable and pained when harsh words were flying.

“Thanks, Dem. But I would really like it if Brik would help me,” said Rose. “Brik, now.”

We all tried to eavesdrop at first to hear the lashing Rose was undoubtedly giving him, but the door to the kitchen muffled the sounds.

“Well that sucks,” said Oliver. “There’s nothing good on TV tonight either.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll call Cole and let him know I can’t make it. I’ll hang out here with you,” said Dave, shifting his hand under the table to take mine. It felt incredible, his palm sliding against my skin and his fingers working their way like lattice through mine. He was touching my hand, but I felt it on my lips, an ache to connect with his again. I was anxious for the chance to kiss him, and the way his eyes pulled back with a smile suggested he was anxious for it too. It was a difficult sensation to endure, this building up of layers of each other’s want with an audience preventing us from acting.

“No, you’ve been looking forward to this for weeks,” I said, flipping his hand over with a squeeze, leaving mine on top.

“Yeah, and keep in mind that after you fully transition to Brick’s detail, you can forget the meaning of ‘night off,’ cause there’s no such thing,” said Liv.

She had been excited by the possibility of a night out on the town around other people. But as fast as the promise of a normal night in New York City came, it was taken away. “And don’t complain about nothing being on TV tonight, Ollie. I have to look at a friggin pond all night.”

I was laughing along with Demetrius at her sourness. It was an emotion Liv couldn’t wear and be taken seriously. She looked like a pouting figure skater after getting shortchanged by the French judge.

Dave’s hand slowly turned mine back over and pinned it against my thigh before he leaned in a little closer to me, resting his elbow on the table.

“You and I weren’t really speaking a few days ago, let alone ‘weeks’ ago,” he said. I wasn’t following him. “But I have been blogging about this show for weeks.”

Oh. Crap.

I stumbled for a justification, but couldn’t find one in time.

“Oh dude, she totally cyber stalks you,” said Oliver.

“Ollie! How could you?” gasped Liv, chucking a dinner roll across the table at him.

“What? It’s true. I saw her browser history.” Oliver’s confession made me want to strangle him. “Oh come on, Clara. Don’t look at me that way. What’s the big deal? You two are totally on to one another now and falling in love and all that stuff. Boost the guy’s ego a little.”

As my flesh warmed with every possible emotion—anger, humiliation, rage, horror, murderous tendencies—Dave leaned in closer, his hand reaching and cupping my neck while his lips found the base of my ear. He kissed me gently and whispered, “I would have been cyber stalking you too if you kept a blog.”

“No luck of that, friend,” said Oliver, chewing on the roll Liv had chucked at him. “She doesn’t even keep a diary. I checked.”

“You know what, Oliver. Just stay out of my room. It’s off limits to you.”

Demetrius was laughing at all of us, his broad chest bouncing with every chuckle, drawing out a rhythm to our conversation and teasing. And for as agitated and overwhelmed as I was, I couldn’t help but enjoy each second. I had never experienced the activity of so many voices and feelings swirling around a dinner table.

So this is what it was like to have a family.

It was loud. It was crowded and overwhelming. It was great.

I had one of course, well… I did at one time, but it was only ever the three of us. Sometimes Grace popped in for a few days, sometimes a week, but that was it. This diversity in voices, personalities and presence made the dining room rich with texture and emotion. Particularly after Brik had left.

He never reappeared that evening. None of us knew what Rose had said to him, but she eventually came back with a massive cake ablaze with candles and led everyone in a round of the birthday song.

For all I had lost these past few days, this past year, there was so much I had gained. I looked around at all of their faces, lit by the crackling flames in front of me and genuinely welcomed each of them into my heart.

I silently made my wish—to one day have this family along with the one that was taken from me—and then blew out the candles.

“I think you should blog or journal or something,” said Dave. We were standing in the foyer saying goodbye for the evening. His phone had started blowing up with texts from Cole twenty minutes ago, and he was already running late.

“Why? So you have a way to stalk me?” I couldn’t help but enjoy that thought.

“Well yes, but that’s not the only reason. And technically I’ve already been stalking you for some time. I just had the excuse of being your bodyguard,” he said, taking my hands and stepping closer to me. “I just can’t imagine how stressful and confusing all of this is. It’s stressing me out and there’s no one counting on me awakening, or whatever they call it. Maybe if you gave yourself an outlet to sort through your thoughts it would help you make sense of everything.”

He had a point. It would probably help to put it all down in some lasting form to both draw more of my subconscious out and try to excavate the wisdom outside of my immediate awareness. But that train of thought carried me back to Celestia. I heard her whisper again play out in my mind. “Come back, alone.”

I had to figure out a way to get back to her.

“You don’t even have to give me the URL if you don’t want to,” he said. “Just something to consider.”

At that his phone bleeped again with a new text.

“You should go. Your hetero life partner may divorce you if you’re too late,” I said.

“I’ll check in with you later.” With that he gave me a slow, but gentle kiss on my lips and backed away to the door. I punched the code in for him and again after he was gone. In the living room Oliver was spread out on the couch flipping through stations. I took a seat at the opposite end and settled in.

“Just us tonight, kiddo,” he said, pulling his legs in a little to give me room, but only a little. “Man, he’s so lucky.”

“Who? Dave? If you really want to go to the concert, be my guest.”

“Yeah for that, and you know I can’t. Brik would poach my balls for breakfast. But I was referring to him getting to have a girlfriend. I spend every waking minute with my sister and the Dream Team. Not a whole lot of prospects on the horizon.”

Girlfriend. Dave’s girlfriend. I liked the sound of it.

“Lifetime is channel 37,” I said, patting his leg. “Have at.”

“Where are you going?”

“My bedroom, to upgrade security clearance on my computer.” I smacked the side of his head as I passed.

“Please do. That will give me something to do tomorrow while you’re at school.”

I did get on my computer once I got into my room, but instead I searched for blog hosting and went ahead and set up an account. Like Dave said, it could help. I played around with it for well over an hour, selecting designs and just puttering around.

“You still alive, Master?” Oliver’s voice screeched when he yelled.

“Very funny, Ollie,” I yelled back. The door was cracked so our voices were able to travel. That’s how we communicated for the rest of the night as I started typing away. Every now and then he would check in on me with some snarky remark to which I would reply, and then go back to where I was in the entry.

It was a long entry. I poured out as much as I could gather from my memory. It probably read scattered and incoherent, but it was for me. No one else would be reading this.

I finished for the night and noticed two full hours had passed since Oliver last checked on me. I headed downstairs slowly and quietly, doing what I could to muffle the sound of my footsteps as I approached the living room. But even from the hallway I could hear his heavy, even breaths. He was asleep on the couch while an episode of the Golden Girls played to no one. I wasn’t going to get another chance like this. Quietly, I slipped back into the hallway, punched in the code and headed out the front door.

I walked down the street at a steady pace, not wanting to draw any added attention to myself. Usually people didn’t give a second glance to a teenager walking down a New York City street this late at night, but I was extra cautious, knowing that additional eyes were on the look out for me.

It was after midnight, so there were a few random people out walking, but as I got closer to the park, shadows deepened and other pedestrians became scarce. I slipped into an opening to the park and headed down side paths, staying clear of the main road. The only way I knew to get back to the Other Side was through the castle, so that’s where I was going.

Through a heavily wooded path, I swore I saw shadows move around me and branches rustle with movement. I had only been in the park at this time of night once before and had been too crazed to notice how menacing the darkness could be.

I pushed through my fear, driven by my need to know more. As I skirted across the main road, I passed the Reservoir and ducked into a small path that led me up into the Ramble. I could hear footsteps. They seemed to be following me at a jog.

Quickly I ducked into some brush. I put my hand over my mouth to disguise my quickened breath and ward against any fearful outbursts. The steps were coming closer, thudding against the dirt floor. When they were no less than ten feet away, they stopped. There was only silence.

I didn’t dare move, afraid of breaking a twig or making some sort of noise that would give away my location. My chest pounded with the momentum of rising fear. I bit down on the inside of my ring finger to fight back the urge to scream or take off at a sprint. Hiding was my best chance.

There was a soft step, and then another. I held my breath praying to go unseen and that it was simply a coincidence. But it would be just my luck to get captured and killed the first time I knowingly ducked out of the Guardians’ watch. Actually no, my luck would be just some random, unrelated murder.

“Clara?” The voice was whispered and just a few feet away. “Where are you?”

Through a break in the foliage I could see the outline of Dave’s face creeping closer. Overwhelmed by relief, I jumped out of the brush and flung myself at him. He jumped back terrified as we collided. We crumpled to the ground, neither one of us being able to gather our footing.

“You scared the crap out of me, Clara,” he said, still in a whisper but with more bite. Despite any anger he felt his arms held my sides. “Is this some sort of weird hobby of yours—roaming the park after hours? It’s dangerous, more so for you than anyone else.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I have to though,” I said, unable to control how relieved and excited I was to have him there. “How did you find me?”

“I was on my way home from the C Train when I saw you slip into the park. Where’s Ollie?”

“He fell asleep watching TV,” I said. Dave’s head rolled back with frustration.

“No one’s with you? Clara, you can’t do this.”

“I have to.” I started picking myself back up. “You don’t have to come with me, I don’t want you to get into trouble, but I have to do this.”

“What do you have to do?”

“Go to the Castle. I have to go to the Other Side.”

“Are you out of your mind? You can’t do that alone. It’s against all protocol, especially for you,” he said jumping to his feet and grabbing onto my wrist. “I have to take you back.”

“You can go back, Oliver mentioned something about Brik poaching balls or something… whatever, I get it. I don’t want you to get in trouble but I’m doing this no matter what.”

“Why?”

“One of the Masters told me to. She’s going to give me more information.” I tried to head up the path but his hand on my wrist pulled me back. I took a deep breath and calmed myself, laying a hand over his. “Dave, I need this. If I’m ever going to awaken, I need to gather as much information as I possibly can. Something could trigger my memory. I could find a way to bring my family back.”

Slowly, I pulled his hand from my wrist and he let me go.

He exhaled sharply and squared his shoulders. “Okay, but I’m going with you. You can’t just leave your body there.”

“Good, ‘cause I have no idea what I’m actually doing.”

“You better figure it out because I’ve never been allowed to watch a crossover before, let alone guard one.”

“I think you just have to make sure no one runs off with my body so I can come back,” I said with a nod. “Yeah, you just have to watch my body.”

“That I can do,” he said, punctuating it with a smile.

Carefully, we made our way up the winding path through the Shakespeare Garden onto the limestone steps leading up to the castle. It loomed threateningly on the horizon, rising with each step we took.

“Yeah. This was a great idea, Clara.” Dave was looking around nervously.

“It’s going to be fine.”

“Have you put any thought into how we’re supposed to get in?”

I hadn’t. I tried the door, but it was locked of course. Each small decorative window was locked as well.

“Hoist me up,” I said, pulling him over to a bordering stone railing.

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Just climb up. There’s a better chance something is unlocked up there.”

“Clara, do you see the drop on the other side of that wall?”

“I’m choosing not to.”

He crawled up on the wall and braced himself against the side of the castle, then extended his hand for me to join him.

We teetered for a moment on the narrow ledge regaining our balance. I took a few deep breaths in trying not to think about the drop down to the pond far below. He extended one arm against the castle’s side for support and lowered his other hand to form a foothold.

“For the record, when I ask you to go to Homecoming with me you better say yes,” he said.

“Deal.” I grabbed his shoulders and lifted my foot into his hand. My movements were quick to keep myself from second-guessing, but my scrambling up his body to his shoulders threw him off balance. When he started to crumble underneath my weight I launched myself up the wall and latched onto the second floor railing. Dave disappeared from under my feet and for a moment I panicked until I heard him below.

“I’m okay,” he said, though there was a bit of moaning underneath the words that suggested he had hit the ground hard. At least he cheated to the side with the three-foot drop rather than the 40-foot.

I pressed my feet against the wall and hoisted myself up with every bit of strength I could muster. I swung my leg up to the railing and with the added support was able to pull myself up and over.

“That was such a Grace move, Clara,” said Dave below all smiles.

“What does that mean?” I leaned over the railing to look down.

“Your aunt is kinda notorious in the Guardians. This is so something she would do.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“It’s badass, Clara. God. You know what? I’m glad you’re crossing over to get more info, because you’re missing out on all the cool stuff,” he said. “Figure out a way to get me in. Quick.”

With a smile I jogged to the door and as luck would have it, it was open. Apparently Harold wasn’t so dependable. I slipped into the stark blackness of the castle and felt a rush of adrenaline. I had pretty much followed every rule presented to me throughout my life. And here I was breaking a ton in one night. Screw curfew, I was breaking into government-owned property.

I made my way down the narrow staircase and unlocked the door for Dave. He was bouncing with excitement, too. Shuffling over to the stairway we held hands, not only to stay together in the dark, but because we were a couple. The thought brought on waves of excitement, which mixed with the adrenaline and made for a very powerful courage cocktail. I pulled at the chain blocking off the stairway down to the room below, but couldn’t get it loose or see how to unlatch it.

“I can’t get the chain in the dark,” I said. “Here, I’m gonna get under it and hold it up for you.”

A moment later I pulled on the cord at the room’s center and turned on the single light.

“Now what?” Dave had a wide stance with his hands on his hips watching me for his next instruction.

“Now I think you just wait and watch,” I said, taking a seat on the bench.

I got comfortable and rested my head against the wall behind me, taking in a few deep breaths and letting them out.

“Clara?”

“Yeah?”

“Try not to be too long,” he said with a smile.

My eyelids fell, carrying that last image of Dave smiling with me into the allusive shift from physical to spirit. As the thickness encompassed me and I slipped farther away from that place, I was able to force out a few final words.

“I’ll try.”