Between the Lives

chapter TWENTY


Wellesley, Tuesday / Roxbury, Wednesday


I was as ready as I’d ever been. Midnight was minutes away and I was sitting cross-legged and calm on my bedroom floor, surrounded by pillows. For some reason I didn’t want to be in my bed. Usually any deviation in routine upset me, but tonight I felt strangely empowered by the change.

When I Shifted, my composure came with me; it only took a few seconds to adjust to being in my Roxbury body. As the adrenalin faded, I faintly heard the end of the sentence Ethan had started before my last Shift.

‘… so sorry.’

I kept my eyes closed until I was ready, then I lifted my head and opened my eyes, taking slow, steadying breaths. The only way to manage this situation was to stay in control.

Everything was exactly as it had been when I left. I was in the clinic. It was midnight. The clock lying on the bed now read 12.10 a.m. And Ethan sat wide-eyed and frozen.

I felt a stab of annoyance and narrowed my eyes, taking him in. His eyes were more shadowed than I remembered. He looked exhausted. His front teeth were firmly embedded in his bottom lip, moments from drawing blood. I glanced down at his hand, still holding his wristwatch mid-air. Was it trembling? He looked tired and worried, but it was more than that. He looked … sorry.

And he was beautiful.

I stared at him, his dark hair a messy bird’s nest, his full lips teasing me, his eyes showing a depth of soul I’d never seen in another person. Like he knew something the rest of us didn’t. A part of me began to ache.

As I watched, he glanced down at his hand. It was still shaking slightly. He lowered it to his lap. ‘Sabine,’ he whispered.

I felt an overwhelming urge to be closer to him. I cleared my throat. ‘It’s okay. I know it’s after midnight.’

‘Does that mean you …?’

I ran my hands through my shaggy dark hair, pushing it off my face. ‘Just listen before I forget. I’m tired, Ethan, and what you did to me … it …’ But I couldn’t even explain. I shook my head and went on, ‘Fifteen plus eleven equals twenty-six, and fifteen times eleven equals one hundred and sixty-five. The compound in chocolate that helps protect against cardiovascular disease is called flavonoids. It’s also in berries and red wine. The language was Latin and the words translate to “Treasure all life” or something like that. Nice touch.’

Before Ethan could say anything, I threw back the sheets and stood up. ‘Stay in your seat, take it all in. I’ll see myself to the bathroom. I promise I’m not hiding anything sharp or dangerous, but I need to go throw up. And if you ever try to control me at midnight again, you and I are not going to get on at all.’

I held it together until I was just out of the room, then I slapped a hand over my mouth and bolted for the bathroom.



I was only sick once, but I stayed in the bathroom for a while, giving Ethan time to absorb. The odd thing was, I thought I’d be feeling smug, but instead I was just nervous. Would he be waiting with a syringe and restraints when I got back? Would he even be there?

When I couldn’t put it off any longer, I padded back to my prison cell. Ethan was standing by the window. I stayed by the door.

He glanced at me over his shoulder. ‘I’m sorry I betrayed your trust, Sabine.’

I sighed. ‘Call it even for the Digoxin.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Not exactly a fair trade.’

I shrugged and waited for him to say more.

Eventually he turned to me and gestured with his hand helplessly. ‘This is a lot to …’

‘Look, if this is the part where you tell me you need some time to … think or whatever, save it. My father already gave that speech. Sharp needles followed.’

He tilted his head. ‘Actually I was thinking I could do with a drink.’ He half laughed.

I couldn’t help the small smile. ‘Yeah, well, I second that. We should hit the local bar – you know, dance up a storm while we’re at it.’

He looked at me oddly, like I was an abstract painting he was trying to decide if he liked or not. Finally he moved past me towards the door, a look of playful mischief in his eyes.

‘Ethan?’

‘Get dressed. I’ll be back in two minutes.’ He left the room, closing the door behind him.

I didn’t hesitate, shimmying out of my hospital gown. If there was any chance of ditching this joint, I was in. I didn’t think Ethan would actually take me dancing, but getting dressed at least meant going somewhere – even if it was just around the block.

I threw on the best of my limited supply of minis and the shortest of my T-shirts – it covered my bandage while still flashing a little belly skin – but then changed into a different one, chastising myself. Oh god, I was seriously crushing on this guy. I mean, he was basically my doctor and had done nothing to make me think he cared for me more than … doctor–patient stuff.

But … technically he wasn’t a doctor. And it wasn’t like he was treating me for a condition I was actually suffering from.

I groaned internally. What was I doing? As far as he was concerned, the night before I’d attempted suicide.

But true to his word, Ethan came back in a few minutes, pausing with his hand on the door when he saw me. He coughed lightly, looking down. ‘You might be cold outside.’

I shrugged, enjoying the little swing in power. If you’re gonna wear it, you gotta walk it. ‘I’m good. Don’t have a coat.’

His Adam’s apple bobbed.

‘You okay?’ I asked, smirking.

He nodded and stepped inside, pulling the door closed behind him.

‘I thought we were going out?’

He smiled. ‘We are. That is, if you feel up to it?’

I flashed him a wide smile. ‘Definitely.’

With that, he dangled a set of keys from his hand and made his way to the window, first unlocking the security grilles and then the window, sliding it open fully.

‘After you,’ he gestured.

I raised an eyebrow. ‘Don’t you have to work or something?’

‘They have someone else covering my other duties while I’m monitoring you. No one will notice.’

‘Is this meant to be some kind of bonding thing? You pretend to sneak me out, but really three doctors and a couple of security guys are tailing us the entire time.’

He gestured to the window again. ‘This is me trusting you.’

I climbed out the window quickly so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes.



It felt strange walking the city streets after midnight. Unlike most teenagers, I was routinely asleep at that time.

We must have walked for nearly twenty minutes in silence. The strange thing was, it was comfortable. Calming. But Ethan was right: it was cold. When he offered me his jacket, as much as I wanted to, I didn’t refuse. And when I put my hands in his pockets and felt his set of keys, I was very glad I hadn’t.

We passed a twenty-four-hour convenience store and a few late-night cafés, but Ethan didn’t stop. When we came across a bar that was still open, to my surprise he headed straight towards it. I was even more surprised when no one stopped me for ID at the door. I doubted this was an all-ages bar.

Inside, things were in full swing. I guess that’s what happens in the places that stay open latest – everyone ends up there in the end. Ethan pointed to a free table in the back corner and we made a beeline for it.

I sat down, but he stayed standing. ‘I’ll get drinks. What do you want?’

‘Rum and Coke,’ I said, wondering if it would taste different in this life. Things often did.

He raised his eyebrows. I raised mine back.

‘You’re underage, Sabine.’

‘I think I’ve proven that may well be debatable, Ethan.’ I held his gaze. I didn’t want to be treated like a kid tonight. At least for tonight, I wanted to make my own choices.

When I saw the tug at his lips I knew I’d won. He didn’t say anything more, just disappeared into the swarming crowd. I hoped I wasn’t going to get a virgin drink and a lecture on his return.

I relaxed into my chair. The music was loud and I let myself sink into it, my body starting to sway to the beat. I liked this place. I wished I could get out more at night. The city really changed at witching hour, in a good way.

‘Sabine?’

I flinched, spinning in my seat.

Oh, mother of all things that wreck my lives.

Shit.

‘Davis! Hi!’ I said, completely freaked out. I hadn’t even considered running into somebody. I was such an idiot. I should’ve at least looked around before sitting down – and Davis, of all people.

I plastered a cheesy grin on my face. ‘How are you?’ I yelled over the music.

‘Shouldn’t I be asking you that? Capri called me after she spoke to you. Said you were in hospital and she has to go visit your little sister tomorrow.’ Davis was tall and, unlike Angus, clean cut. He was a nice guy, but every time I saw him I thought of my father. The way he was always so neatly presented and careful with his words threw me. It was like he was crying out for approval. Some girls may look for a version of their father in a potential boyfriend – I was not one of them.

I stood up, trying to gain a little composure … and a plan.

‘I, um … Davis, it’s complicated.’

He took a step closer to me, taking in my outfit, then glancing at my broken wrist. ‘How? Are you sick or not?’

‘Well, they thought I was, but …’ I stammered.

Right then, an arm slipped around my waist from behind. Warm tender hands splayed territorially across my belly and Ethan pulled me back against his chest, planting a solitary, knee-weakening kiss on my neck before resting his chin on my shoulder to look right at Davis’s stunned face. Heat poured through my body, every nerve ending suddenly alive.

When Ethan spoke, he made sure it was loud enough for Davis to hear. ‘I told you everyone would find out eventually, Sabine.’

His words flowed so easily, his voice taking on a liquid quality that made the hairs on my arms stand up. His own arms stayed wrapped around me and I couldn’t help but notice how different they felt compared to Dex’s. No, how different they made me feel.

The place where Ethan had kissed me fleetingly on the neck burned, and before I knew what I was doing, my body took over and I was leaning back into his arms.

Shit!

‘Sabine, what’s going on? Are you with this guy?’ Davis asked, staring daggers at the hands on my stomach.

This isn’t happening, I told myself. Maybe I really have gone insane and I’m imagining things?

As if on cue, Ethan started to play with the bottom of my T-shirt, finding a small line of flesh. It was all I could do to stay upright. How could such a small touch do so much?

‘Sabine?’ Davis prompted impatiently.

Ethan took over. ‘Look man, I snuck her out of the hospital for a few hours – she’s going straight back, no harm. Her parents won’t approve of us and we just wanted to have a bit of time together. You know how it is.’

Some part of my brain finally clicked into gear and I realised what Ethan was doing.

‘Davis, um … this is a friend of mine,’ I said, avoiding using his name in case it got back to the clinic – or my parents. I wasn’t going to let Ethan get into trouble for me.

‘Boyfriend,’ Ethan clarified, somehow managing to move us even closer together so that I could feel the full length of his body against mine.

Davis wasn’t happy. I knew that Capri had been trying to set us up, but until now I hadn’t realised that Davis had clearly been in favour of the idea too. ‘I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.’

‘Oh, it’s new. Really new.’ Me? Breathless?

‘But when you know, you know, right?’ Ethan added unnecessarily.

I craned my head to give him a look, but the way he was positioned my lips were basically on his before I quickly spun back towards Davis. Pulled tight against Ethan’s chest, I could feel every breath he was taking and I was sure he could feel my heart hammering.

‘Why all the lies?’ Davis said curtly.

‘It’s not lies. I was in the hospital. I mean, I am. I just … I snuck out. You won’t tell anyone, will you?’ I asked nervously.

‘Like Capri? Your best friend.’

‘Davis, please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry that you and I …’ I swallowed. Ethan stayed silent, still holding me. ‘But if my parents find out, they’ll go mental.’

Out of nowhere Ethan planted another, more lingering kiss on the base of my neck, his nose trailing a path up to my hairline. Was he smelling me?

My legs almost gave way, but I kept my eyes on Davis, hoping he wouldn’t lose it.

After a tense pause, he sighed. ‘Sure, Sabine.’

I smiled in relief.

Davis looked at me questioningly. ‘So, you’re with him, then?’

Ethan chose this moment to become impatient. ‘Yes, man. She’s with me, then.’

I elbowed Ethan, but he didn’t let me go.

‘Davis, I –’

‘It’s okay,’ he said, cutting off my apology. ‘I won’t tell anyone I saw you.’

‘Thanks, Davis. I’m … you know,’ I said, still fumbling with my words.

‘It’s all good.’ He nodded once to Ethan. ‘I was just on my way out.’ And with that he turned and headed straight for the door.

I spun around. Ethan dropped his arms and stepped back, retrieving the drinks he’d left on a nearby table. I sat down again and took a sip – rum and Coke.

I couldn’t look at him.

‘What was that all about?’ I asked, staring at my drink.

‘You were freaking out. This way you can tell your friends you snuck out of hospital with a secret boyfriend and they’ll leave you be. At least about why you’re in hospital.’

‘And when they expect to see you and me walking hand-in-hand afterwards? What then?’ I blushed, thinking of how nice that would be.

When I glanced up he was looking at me, his expression tinged with sadness. ‘It won’t be a problem.’

‘What does that mean?’

He shrugged. ‘It means you’ll think of something.’ After a pause he smirked. ‘You can tell them I turned out to be a loser.’

‘That won’t be hard, I suppose.’ I returned the smirk.

He sat back in his chair. ‘Anyway, we’re here to talk about you, Sabine.’

Now was the time to take my chance, while I still had it. I couldn’t get lured in again. Ethan had proved he was full of tricks, and despite his help with Davis I couldn’t trust him. I leaned in innocently. ‘Ethan, I’m … I just need a moment. I’m going to go to the ladies, okay.’

He looked at me suspiciously, but what was he really going to say? He nodded. ‘I trust you.’

If words could hurt … they did.

I started to weave my way through the groups of people. When I was sure Ethan could no longer see me, I quickly slipped out the front door and ran towards the convenience store we’d passed a few blocks away. When I stumbled in, the old man and his wife sitting behind the counter stood up. ‘Are you all right, girl?’ he asked, looking beyond me to see if someone was following me.

I sucked in a few breaths. My heart was racing. Running flat out after my recent medical adventures might not have been the best idea. ‘Yeah. Fine. Just in a rush. You don’t happen to offer a key copying service?’

The man smiled, and pointed to a sign above him: Key Cutting $8.99. ‘Do you have the key?’

I dipped my hand into Ethan’s jacket pocket and pulled out the set of keys. I removed the one Ethan had used to open the window and passed it to the man.

‘Just that one?’ he asked.

The truth was, I would have liked them all. For all I knew, one of them was a key to the front door. But I only had the ten dollars my parents had left me and I couldn’t risk the extra time. I nodded. At least a key to the window meant I could get out.



When I got back to the table, Ethan looked relieved to see me. I shrugged off his jacket and sat in my chair. ‘The ladies bathroom is much more interesting here than at the clinic,’ I said conversationally.

Ethan smiled, watching as I took a sip of my drink. ‘Go easy on that, it’s the only one you’re getting.’

I rolled my eyes, settling back and trying hard not to look out of breath. I’d run most of the return trip.

‘Do you think it’s a parallel world? Or another place, like another planet or something?’ he asked, getting down to business.

‘I don’t know. It’s just like here, only different. I’m different. The world is generally the same, but … I don’t know how to explain it.’

‘Would this place exist there?’ he asked, looking around the bar.

‘Maybe, maybe not. But even if it did, it’d be different. Maybe run by different owners. Sometimes it’s like the worlds have the same general plan, like they’ve been mapped out or something, but then because the people are all different, everything has been interpreted differently. You know, buildings, houses, schools … It’s like everything is similar, but just not quite the same.’ I tried not to look as nervous as I felt. I’d thought about this stuff for so long now, but I’d never tried to explain it to anyone.

‘So you have different people around you?’

I nodded. ‘Every now and then I’ll see someone in both worlds. It’s weird. I call it a glitch. But I’ve never met anyone like me – anyone who knows they’re living two lives.’

He let this sink in. ‘So maybe we all live two lives, but we have no memories of the days between midnight. Maybe some of us have several lives, but we don’t know it – like a form of reincarnation, but we live all of our lives at once, until they all run out.’

‘Like a cat has nine lives, you mean?’

‘You tell me?’

I twirled my straw. ‘It’s possible. I’ve wondered the same thing. Both of my lives are in Massachusetts, but it’s a big world, so people could be doubling up all over the place.’

He smiled and leaned forward. ‘So maybe my other life is in California.’ He looked as if he liked the idea.

‘Yeah, or Scotland. You’d look interesting in tartan.’

He laughed loudly. Which made me laugh too.

‘Why are you so happy about that?’

His eyes were alight. ‘I like the idea that there’s more to life. You know, that we go on. Have you ever considered that what’s happening to you is a version of afterlife – even a kind of heaven?’

My smile faded. ‘No, Ethan. I live this. It’s not heaven. If anything, it’s hell.’

‘I’m sorry, Sabine. I didn’t mean to imply it was easy. But I can’t help but think, if this is happening to you, maybe it’s for a reason. And maybe it could be amazing if you just … I don’t know, accepted it.’

When he saw the look on my face, he quickly changed tack. ‘Do you have a boyfriend in Wellesley?’ he blurted, and judging by his expression, I wasn’t the only one surprised by the question.

‘I … I … Why?’ I asked. And why hadn’t I just answered?

He bit down on his bottom lip and started toying with the condensation on his glass. ‘Just wondering.’

I stared into my near-empty drink. ‘Yes.’

‘And I’m assuming, since Davis obviously thought he had a chance with you, you aren’t seeing anyone in this world at the moment?’

‘Um … no, I’m not. I don’t think that would exactly be right.’

I could feel his eyes on me, studying me intently, before he nodded. ‘Do you love him?’

‘Who? Dex?’ I asked, startled by the question.

‘If that’s his name, Dex.’ He said the word like he already knew him and didn’t like him. For some twisted reason, I liked that.

When I didn’t answer he raised his eyebrows, prompting me.

‘Ethan, I … It’s different there.’ I looked down at myself, at my miniskirt and tight T-shirt. ‘I’m different. Dex is … he’s good to me and we’re a good match.’

Ethan’s voice moved down a gear, his eyes narrowing. ‘You didn’t answer the question, Sabine. Do you love him?’

I suddenly felt defensive of my Wellesley life. ‘Why are you asking, anyway?’

He was still, his chin now resting in his hand, his gaze piercing its way into me. When he answered, it felt like his eyes were saying something completely at odds with his words. ‘Just curious.’

Caught in his gaze, it took me a moment to remember myself. ‘I’ll answer you if you answer two of my questions first.’ I couldn’t let this guy get the upper hand, beautiful lips or not. I had to remember that I needed to protect myself.

He leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. ‘Shoot.’

‘Do you believe me?’

He took a sip of his drink and put it down, his eyes never leaving mine. ‘God help me, I think I might be starting to. But I’m still going to ask you to do things for me, keep proving it to me, if that’s okay. Thing is … I think I like the idea too much not to believe you.’

I felt a sudden rush of tears. It wasn’t a declaration of belief, but it was a start.

‘And two?’

I swallowed, my nerves returning. ‘Are you my doctor, Ethan? Or is this something else – are we friends? Are we …? Or is this just doctor–patient stuff?’

Ethan studied his hands. When he looked up, his eyes were pensive. ‘I’m not a doctor, Sabine. I’d hoped that maybe one day …’ His voice trailed off. ‘Technically I do some night nursing at the clinic, like a night supervisor, I suppose. As for whether this is doctor–patient stuff … It should be. But nothing about this is normal.’ He gestured to the drink he’d bought me and then to the bar. ‘Look around – does this look like a doctor–patient environment?’

‘No.’

He nodded as if that answered everything. Which of course it didn’t.

‘So now answer my question,’ he said.

The words were out of my mouth before I knew it. ‘I count when he kisses me. Every time, except once … I’ve never been able to get past ten seconds very successfully.’ I glanced up. He was looking right at me.

‘Why are you with him if he makes you feel like that?’

‘Because he’s … Dex. And in that world, all I ever wanted was to be his girlfriend. He’s perfect for me.’

‘Sounds ideal,’ he said dryly.

My eyes narrowed. ‘He is.’

Ethan wasn’t deterred. ‘What happened that one time?’

‘Sorry?’ I asked.

‘When you stopped counting?’

‘Oh, I was thinking of someone … something else.’

Ethan’s teeth played with his bottom lip again and my insides flipped. I knew what he was about to ask, the next obvious question. What would he say if I told him I’d been thinking about him? Could there be a chance …? But then I remembered the plan. Everything I’d been working towards: Dex, graduation night, my future in Wellesley. I spoke quickly before Ethan could.

‘Dex is good to me. He … he’s my future. After graduation night everything will be easier with him – and for me.’

‘What do you mean?’ he asked, sitting back.

I shrugged. ‘We … we’ve made plans,’ I said uncomfortably.

Ethan’s jaw clenched tightly and I cursed my rambling mouth. He knew exactly what I meant.

‘Oh. Right. Sounds magical.’ He looked at his watch. ‘We should get you back.’

Deflated, I nodded and followed him out of the bar. We walked in silence until Ethan stopped a block away from the clinic and leaned against a wall, his hands on his knees.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

‘Just a headache.’ He pushed off the wall. ‘Let’s go.’

We continued the walk silently, but I noticed the pace was considerably slower.

When we reached the open window Ethan helped me in and then followed, locking the security grille behind him.

‘Night, Sabine,’ he said quickly. He walked towards the door without looking back.

‘Good night, Ethan,’ I replied, but he was already gone.