Between the Lives

chapter TWENTY-TWO


Roxbury, Saturday–Sunday / Wellesley, Saturday–Sunday


The rest of the weekend passed by, each day dragging as I tried to develop the plan that would end all of this torment. But even in Wellesley I struggled to pull myself together, Ethan’s words playing over and over in my mind.

Not me.

To make matters worse, Ethan didn’t turn up to work on Saturday night – which felt like a slap in the face. And in Wellesley, things weren’t much better. I slept most of Saturday. After Shifting and hobbling to the bathroom, I’d caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and decided that, for today at least, sleep came first. I was shockingly gaunt with dark circles under my eyes. It had become impossible to keep track of the waking-versus-sleeping hours of my lives. Staying awake for the Shift every night and, more often than not, ending up with my head over the toilet was taking a visible toll. No wonder Miriam was so convinced the fruit diet was working.

The good thing was, my schooling days had officially ended on Friday, and if ever anyone deserved to have finished their school education, it was me. Now the only thing left was Monday’s graduation.

When I finally made my way downstairs, wearing a white maxi-skirt and simple black camisole, the house was empty. There was a note from Mom on the kitchen counter saying she’d left me to sleep in and enjoy my first official day of freedom – with a P.S. telling me she’d deposited some money into my account so I could go and buy the dress I’d been eyeing off for graduation dinner.

I checked my watch. It was after lunchtime and I could think of nothing I’d rather do than be my normal Wellesley-self and take part in some serious retail therapy. I rang Miriam and arranged to meet her at the mall.



‘Are you going to buy the black or the silver?’ Miriam asked, as we walked towards the evening-wear shop.

‘The black.’ There had never been any doubt from the moment I’d tried it on. When I imagined myself in that dress, I felt sexy. Mature. It was the perfect choice. And Dex would love it.

‘Did you confirm your hotel booking?’

‘Yes.’

‘Transport?’

‘Dex is driving.’

‘And what about your mom?’

I shrugged. ‘I told her a while back that I was going to be staying in the city on graduation night. It was weird; she didn’t even ask me anything about it, just said okay. I’m pretty sure she knows who I’ll be staying with and figures it was inevitable.’

‘You’re eighteen, what can she really say?’ Miriam gave an excited clap. ‘That’s everything organised!’

I nodded.

Later, as we waited for my dress to be boxed, Miriam turned to me. ‘Is everything okay, Sabine? You look a little … freaked out.’

I concentrated on rearranging my wallet. ‘Yeah. Just … I don’t know, nervous maybe.’

She studied me for a moment. I expected her to make a joke, but instead she flicked her perfectly styled hair and looked at me seriously. ‘If you aren’t ready, you don’t have to do anything. Once you go down that road, things change.’ She sighed. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love Brett and I’m glad that we are … you know, but I think if I could have my time again, I would’ve waited a little longer. The first time can be a bit … uncomfortable.’

‘Wow. I never thought I’d hear you say that.’

She nudged my shoulder. ‘And I’ll never admit it again, but if you aren’t a hundred per cent sure, maybe you should just talk it through with Dex.’

I bit my lip. ‘I don’t think I can do that.’

She gave me another long look while the shop assistant handed me my dress and then we were back out on the street.

‘Sabine, is there someone else?’ Miriam asked eventually.

I blanched. ‘No. Why? Why would you think that?’

She raised her eyebrows at me. ‘I don’t know. It’s just … you seemed so ready and now you look so unsure, and Dex asked me the other day if I’d seen you hanging out with anyone else. I can’t help but wonder if you might’ve met someone who’s changed your mind.’

I thought of Ethan. Absent Ethan. His words. Not me.

‘No, there’s no one else.’ Except in my overactive imagination. And Dex’s. I couldn’t believe he’d been asking around about me. ‘Like I said, I’m just nervous. Dex and I have waited long enough.’ I glanced down at my dress box. When I looked back up at Miriam, I was smiling. ‘Earrings?’

She returned my smile. ‘Definitely.’



Preparing to Shift back to Roxbury on Saturday night was terrible. For the first time since being admitted to the clinic, I’d be Shifting back to an empty room. And the reality of where that room was – in a ‘mood disorders’ ward, which was just the PC way of saying ‘psycho ward’ – felt harsher than ever.

When I Shifted, the sense of loneliness stayed with me. After my usual run to the bathroom, I settled myself in my bed and tried to sleep Sunday morning away. Sheer exhaustion helped stop my churning mind and I think I could have slept the whole day if I hadn’t had a visitor arrive.

Dad sat in the chair usually filled by Ethan and fidgeted awkwardly with the armrests.

‘How have your sessions with Dr Levi been going?’

I sat on the end of my bed, feeling exposed and vulnerable. I was no longer his daughter, I was now in the category of ‘patient’. My entire relationship with my parents had changed forever. The strange thing was, staring at my father I realised he looked almost as weary as I felt. I wondered if his visits to the local bar had become more frequent.

I decided to offer an olive branch. ‘They’re okay. I had one today. He seems to think I might need some medication. That part of this could be a chemical imbalance or something.’ Which was total rubbish.

My father let out a quivering sigh. ‘That’s good, that’s good, Sabine. I think Dr Levi really knows what he’s doing.’

I didn’t correct him – didn’t explain that Levi had no idea what he was doing, that I wasn’t the average patient.

‘I know you hate me right now. I know you think we let you down, but we just want you back.’ He ran a hand through his hair, struggling for words. ‘I’m sorry about how things went at home, we handled it badly. But, Sabine, please understand that we didn’t know what to do. We just want our daughter back.’

Their daughter – the one who had to lie every day, I thought bitterly. But looking at his face, I could see that he’d meant it as his own kind of olive branch.

‘How’s Mom?’ I asked, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

He shook his head. ‘You know your mom. She likes things to be a certain way. This whole thing has really sideswiped her. She feels responsible, like she should’ve prevented this before it got so …’

‘Will you tell her that’s not true? No one could have prevented this.’

He smiled weakly, looking relieved.

‘Maddie misses you terribly.’

My heart twisted. I hated not seeing her and dreaded finding out what Mom and Dad had told her. ‘I miss her too. What does she …? Does she know that I’m …?’

He knew what I meant. ‘We told her you’ve gone away on a future careers camp. That you got a last-minute placement and had to leave straight away.’

I nodded. As desperate as I was to see her, I agreed with that decision. ‘Do you think …?’ I swallowed. ‘Dad …’ I choked on the word. Calling him Dad was a big concession on my part. ‘Do you think we could keep this from her? Like, never tell her? I don’t want her to ever know I was in here. Ever.’

He nodded. ‘It would be better if she didn’t. Let’s just see how things pan out.’

The trouble was, I knew how things were going to pan out. I looked down. ‘Okay. Tell her I love her. And Mom too.’

He stood, looking more himself. ‘I will. Your mom will visit soon.’ He leaned over to give me an awkward hug before leaving.

I dedicated the rest of the day to developing an indifference to all things Ethan – especially the ache in my heart.

Macie popped her head around my door in the afternoon to let me know I had phone privileges, so I called Capri. Luckily I was no longer on day watch, so Macie didn’t have to hang around for the call.

Despite Davis’s promise, he’d gone ahead and spilled to Capri, telling her he’d seen me out on the town. She was barely talking to me. After half an hour of grovelling she forgave me enough to demand every detail about the mysterious guy Davis had also, accidentally on purpose, mentioned.

I guess he figured he owed me no favours.

I guess he was right.

I told Capri it was just a brief thing that lasted a couple of days, and that it turned out the mystery guy didn’t actually care about me at all.

True enough.

‘So are you in hospital or not?’ she asked with a huff, possibly feeling a little sorry for me now that she’d heard the state of my pathetic love life.

‘Yeah, I am.’ And then I made a decision. ‘Mom and Dad had me committed.’

‘Huh?’

‘They think I’m crazy.’

‘What? How the hell … Sabine, what is going on with you?’ ‘It’s complicated. But I’m basically locked away in a clinic. Did you go see Maddie?’

‘I saw her yesterday. She’s fine – thinks you’re away on some camp or something. I told her that I’d spoken to you and that I might be seeing you soon. She asked me to give you a really big rabbit hug or something.’

I smiled, looking at my cast, running my fingers over Maddie’s bunnies.

‘Sabine, I’m seriously starting to freak out and that goes totally against my beliefs. Even Angus thinks this is weird, and you know he doesn’t like to think. We need some answers here.’

‘I know. Can you come meet me tonight? I promise I’ll have answers.’

‘Sure. What time and where? Do I have to break into the clinic?’ She sounded almost hopeful. Capri did like to live on the edge. If breaking glass was involved, all the better.

‘No.’

And then I put the first part of my plan into action.



As I’d expected Ethan didn’t turn up to work on Sunday night either; I’d heard a nurse talking earlier that day in the corridor, saying he wasn’t well. Still, it felt like a blow to my increasingly fragile heart, and it further weakened my hopes that he might be the one to explain things to Maddie after I was gone.

After dinner, I did everything I was supposed to do. Showered, fake-socialised with the other tenants of Crazyville, acknowledged nurses, tried to be cooperative. I even hung out in the patients’ lounge, pretending to watch a pointless game of ping-pong before heading back to my room, only to endure another random room search by Macie and Mitch. I passed with flying colours.

Once the lights were out, I was ready to move. Final room check always came fifteen minutes after lights out, and Ethan had somehow gotten me exempted from the other nightly spot checks to facilitate our outings. I was taking a chance those rules still applied.

I got dressed quickly, jumped back into bed until the final room check was done, and then I was up and digging around in my underwear. Disgusting, I know, but if there’s one place no man or woman will ever check it’s the bottom of your panties. Luckily most of my panties had a double-layer gusset, providing an awkward yet effective hiding place – perfect for a key.

I stood in front of the window grilles and used the key I’d copied from Ethan’s set to let myself out. Once on the other side I relocked the security grille and closed the window, hoping that in the event I was caught they wouldn’t know how I’d escaped and I might be able to keep the key hidden for another day.

Capri was waiting in her mom’s beat-up van, which looked as though it had more rust than paint. It was truly a wonder she got that thing moving without pushing it.

I ran across the parking lot and jumped into the passenger side.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey, yourself,’ Capri said, pushing her almost-dreadlocks back from her face. ‘Nice escape. Was the ass-out-first part for my benefit?’ She’d had full view of my window.

I laughed. ‘Cheers. And yes, the ass in the air was all for you.’

‘Figures,’ she quipped and then looked ahead. ‘Where to?’

‘Home first and then I need to make another stop.’

‘Not exactly what I had in mind.’ Capri looked out the window. She was hesitating. I didn’t blame her. She had just helped spring me from the loony bin.

‘I’m so grateful you’re helping me, Capri. I know I’ve said it like a million times, but I’m sorry I lied. Being here … it wasn’t exactly something I wanted to publicise. Things have been pretty screwed up of late.’ I held my breath and waited. The worst part was, I was truly sorry – even if my apology had been wrapped up in more deception. I was about to make her my unwitting accomplice.

‘Just tell me you aren’t really crazy or whatever?’ she asked clumsily.

‘I swear to you, I’m not insane.’ I smiled, trying to help her relax. ‘Well, unless you count the part where I’m friends with you.’

It took a moment, but she cracked, leaning across and nudging me before turning the key in the ignition. It took half a dozen tries before the engine fired up, but finally we were on our way.



Standing outside my house, it struck me that until now I hadn’t known if I’d ever come home again. The way things had been going, not to mention the way I felt about Mom and Dad, I’d stopped thinking of it as home. But seeing Dad today had changed that a bit.

Actually a lot.

Maybe it was knowing that the end was near. I’d wanted it so much, my chance to be normal. But all Ethan’s talk about the price I’d have to pay to get it … it wasn’t all crap. At the very least, I wanted to make some kind of peace with this life before I said goodbye to it.

The house was silent. Lights off. I looked at my watch – just before 11 p.m. I didn’t have time to waste if I was going to get everything done and be back by midnight.

We scaled the tree and, balancing precariously, Capri helped me jimmy open my bedroom window. Yet again I was thankful she and Davis had taken it upon themselves to fix that little problem. Since Mom and Dad didn’t know about their break-and-enter, they also hadn’t known to relock the bolt.

We both slid into my room, clanking into things and being too loud. Thankfully no one seemed to stir.

‘Stay here,’ I whispered to Capri. ‘I’ll be back in a minute. If anyone comes in, make a run for it.’

She nodded. Capri was a pro at these things. She wouldn’t hesitate to split if needs be.

I crept down the stairs and into the kitchen, avoiding the creak-spots in the flooring. The house seemed so foreign to me now. It was weird – such a short time away to feel like I didn’t belong here anymore. Had I ever? I bit my lip and squashed the smouldering thought.

It took me a while, but after carefully looking through a few drawers I eventually hit the jackpot when I spied Dad’s coat hanging over one of the kitchen chairs. I grabbed the keys to the store, palming them to stop the jingle, and headed back to my bedroom.

Running into Maddie had not been part of the plan. But as I passed her room, her bedroom door swung open and she looked up at me, half asleep. ‘Binie, you’re home. I missed you so much.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘Can you take me to the bathroom?’

My insides melted just seeing her, and before I knew what I was doing I’d picked her up to hug her tight and was carrying her to the bathroom. On the way back, she rested her head on my shoulder. ‘Are you going away, Binie?’ she asked.

I took her into her room and gently placed her on the bed. ‘What makes you say that, kiddo?’

She shrugged sleepily. ‘I had a dream that you had to go somewhere else. You were so sad. You didn’t want to say goodbye to me, but you had to.’

Oh god. Was this happening? ‘Hey, you know how much I love you. It doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll always be with you, even if … even if I can’t really be here. Do you know what I mean?’

‘I think so.’ She yawned.

I brushed the hair off her face and she snuggled into her blankets. ‘Life is precious, Maddie. Always remember that.’ The irony of choosing Ethan’s sentiment in that moment wasn’t lost on me. I hated him a little for that.

‘You’re not the same as everyone else, Binie. I love you always. Do you still have my rabbits?’

I bit back my tears and nodded. ‘Of course I have your rabbits.’ I pointed to my cast. ‘They will always be with me, just like you. I love you too, Mads. Don’t tell anyone you saw me, okay?’

She nodded, already falling back to sleep. She’d probably think it was all a dream in the morning. Maybe it was for the best. I kissed her on her forehead.



Capri had waited for me, even though she’d heard Maddie moving around. She wasn’t happy about being kept in the dark, but still drove me to my next destination and waited outside while I let myself into Mom and Dad’s store and collected the items I needed. It would be a terrible cocktail – one that had no chance of failing. Given Macie had launched a random room search on me today, I figured I’d have just enough time to keep the drugs hidden before …

Capri drove me back to my house. I snuck in alone, returned the keys and wrote a quick note, which I slipped under my mattress. They would find it one day. When we pulled into the clinic parking lot, Capri didn’t hold back, demanding some answers.

‘It’s complicated,’ I said, which didn’t seem to help. But I’d given it some thought since we’d talked on the phone and decided it wouldn’t help her to know everything – she’d only feel worse at the end, or try to stop me. The best thing I could do for Capri was to let her stay ignorant.

‘Look.’ I sighed, knowing I needed to give her something. ‘Mom and Dad found out I was seeing that guy and thought he was a bad influence. Dad just flipped.’ I leaned back into the headrest, convincingly spinning my web. ‘He used his medical contacts and fed them this whole story about me being insane to get me locked up in here, just to keep me away from him.’ Capri’s mouth was hanging open and I knew she was buying it. ‘The worst thing is …’ I swallowed, my emotions turning uncomfortably real, ‘… they were right about him, but since I’ve refused to speak to the doctor, they’re making me stay. The whole thing is screwed up. I … I’m considering getting out of Boston, you know, making a new start somewhere else.’ I bit my lip. So many lies.

‘Where would you go?’ Capri asked, shocked. ‘You can’t leave me!’

I stared down at my hands. ‘If it meant getting away from all this craziness and being able to start again, you’d forgive me, wouldn’t you?’ It was terrible. A terrible, awful thing I was doing to her – but in my own way, I had to do something that might help her understand.

‘I guess,’ she conceded, though she still looked unhappy.

I reached over and gave her a tight hug. ‘I promise I won’t do anything unless I’m sure it’s my only choice. If I do go, just remember it’s because I was absolutely sure it was the right thing for me, okay?’

She nodded. ‘I’ll just miss you. I don’t have any other girlfriends.’

I wiped away a tear. ‘Me too. You’re a great friend, Capri. Whatever happens, you know I love you.’

There. My best goodbye.

She was teary herself even as she shrugged off my words and pushed me out of the van. ‘Whatever you just lifted from your parents’ store, I’m sure it’ll fetch a fierce profit in there.’

I smiled, knowing that when all was said and done she would remember this conversation and hopefully realise I was telling her that everything was for the best. I hoped she’d be okay.

‘Be happy, promise?’ It was something we used to say to each other when we were bullied at school by the cool kids.

‘Promise,’ Capri said.



Sunday in Wellesley gave me a chance to spend a lazy morning with Mom by the pool. Around midday Dex called to say he was on his way over to hang out, and no amount of fake smiles could get rid of the churning in my gut. I tried to rope in Miriam and Lucy, suggesting a spur-of-the-moment pool party, but they were no help. Miriam seemed to be in a permanent hip-lock with Brett these days, and Lucy was in a pre-graduation spiral.

I was so desperate I actually rang Ryan, wondering if it was his weekend to visit Mom. He just laughed and said no, teasing me that now school had finished I was staring straight into a friendless existence. His planned visit was still three weeks away and he wouldn’t be home before then. When I heard someone call out to him in the background, he hung up without even saying goodbye. Bastard.

When Dex arrived, daisies in hand, I blushed and put them in a vase before moving into action mode – keeping us as busy as possible, offering to get the graduation programs printed for Lucy and collect the dry-cleaning for Mom. Basically anything that left us little time for what Dex had in mind. For once, he didn’t seem to care. I guess he figured our night together wasn’t far away.

And he was right.

If you didn’t count my other life, G Day was tomorrow.