Between the Lives

chapter EIGHTEEN


Wellesley, Tuesday


Tears streamed down my face the instant I Shifted to Wellesley. The nausea that usually struck me when I was awake for a Shift took a backseat to the overwhelming sadness.

The betrayal.

I pulled my pillow to my chest and buried my face in it to smother the gulping sobs.

Why me? How could Ethan trick me like that?

My body trembled as I considered my cruel reality. I couldn’t take it anymore. The freakishness of my existence was bad enough, but the loneliness that constantly tortured me was far worse. I had thought there might be hope. That maybe I could make Ethan believe me.

But that wasn’t going to happen.

He didn’t want to believe me. He wanted to disprove me. I wouldn’t be so stupid again.

I finally managed to calm myself down, knowing that if I broke into all-out hysterics I’d risk waking Mom. But the emptiness stayed with me even after the tears went away. I slid further down into my silk sheets, curled around my pillow and tried to go to sleep. But it was futile. Even after what he’d done to me, I couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan.

Why had it suddenly become so damn important that he believe me? Especially since my future in that world was becoming increasingly less … likely.

The thought made me gasp.

There. I’d admitted it.

And … it was true.

The only thing holding me to my Roxbury world now was Maddie. My parents had pretty much disowned me. They’d probably even be relieved. But Maddie …

Should I try to see her? Explain somehow? I shook my head at myself. I couldn’t do that. There was nothing I could say that would make it okay for her. I was no good to her there anyway, locked up in a mental clinic. Eventually she’d find out. She’d hate me then. But I couldn’t just abandon her.

I opened my teary eyes, a new thought stirring.

Ethan could tell her.

He was the only one who knew about my worlds from my point of view. After I was gone, one day when she was older, he could visit her and tell her the truth so she’d understand that I wasn’t dead. Just the opposite.

But to do that … it brought me full circle. First, I still had to make Ethan believe me.

In a panic I fumbled for my lamp switch and a notebook, scribbling down Ethan’s questions while I could still remember them.

The thought of having to work at making Ethan really believe me was frightening. But making him understand was about Maddie now. I had to do it, despite how furious I was with him.



When I woke, my anger towards Ethan gave me a renewed determination to make my Wellesley world everything I wanted it to be. At breakfast I asked Mom if she could pick me up after school and take me to collect my Audi from the garage. I needed to be able to get around on my own. Mom already had a spa treatment booked, but was on the phone to Lucas before I could stop her. I actually heard his groan through the telephone. Mom, however, remained oblivious and was thrilled as she hung up, assuring me that Lucas would be there to collect me at the end of the day.

Miriam picked me up soon after.

‘Cute dress, it matches the circles under your eyes,’ she said, motioning to my plum A-line dress.

I shrugged, pulling down the visor to reapply some concealer. ‘Do I look that bad?’

‘Don’t panic. You look fine, pretty as ever and Dex can only see your fabulous hair at the moment anyway. What gives? Were you up all night partying? Will Dex look just as tired when I see him?’ She raised her eyebrows playfully.

‘No, I just didn’t get much sleep,’ I answered, hoping the conversation would end there.

‘Sure,’ she teased.

The problem was, Miriam was right – I did look exhausted. I was starting to fray at the edges in this world and I couldn’t let that happen. As I continued adjusting my make-up, I wondered how long I could keep this up.

But I had to. Falling apart was not an option. I needed to be the person people expected me to be here.

So when Miriam suggested we swing via the fruit shop to get more supplies for our diet, I suppressed the irks and smiled in agreement. It was worth it if Miriam went on believing that apples were the key to my recent weight loss. I even paid for our selection, carefully avoiding fruit shop guy’s eyes the entire time. With everything else that was going on, fruit shop guy was the least of my concerns.

Dex found me as soon as we pulled into the parking lot, taking my bag and wrapping an arm around me as we walked into school.

‘Nice dress,’ he commented, looking me up and down. I batted my eyelids. Mom had followed yesterday’s form and left a new outfit for me this morning. I had to agree with Dex, the perfect-shade-of-plum jersey dress was to die for and would assume prime position on my favourites rack.

‘I still can’t get over how amazing you look with that hair,’ he murmured in my ear, pulling me close.

I smiled, enjoying the attention. It might not always feel sparky and magical with Dex, but I knew one thing for sure – he adored me. He’d had his pick of all the girls at school and he’d chosen me, continuously, for the past two years. Not many guys do that. So what if he didn’t make me feel that … way I’d always imagined the L-word would? Tons of people said that stuff came with time. And time was something Dex would give me.

I snuggled into his shoulder and blinked away the gnawing memory of Ethan – how just the way he looked at me sent shivers through my body.

‘A bunch of the guys are going to Mixons tonight. You interested?’

I remembered Ethan’s list. But maintaining appearances in Wellesley was important too.

‘Sure. I have to pick up my car this afternoon and run a couple of errands first. Meet you there?’

He stopped outside my math class, pulling me to one side and kissing me quickly. ‘Sounds good. Tell Lucy and Miriam to come along too.’

I nodded and he planted another brief kiss on my lips just as my math teacher walked past, clearing his throat.

‘In class, Sabine.’

‘Sorry, Mr Barlow.’ I blushed.

Dex, however, looked thrilled at being caught and lingered long enough to earn another reprimanding stare from Mr Barlow.

In class, Lucy didn’t even bother to feign paying attention.

‘I can’t cope with this. We have eight tables of seven and every other table has ten. Every way I try to rearrange it, the possibility for a complete breakdown of room harmony presents itself.’ Lucy flapped her table plan at me, looking desperate.

Lucy was head of the graduation committee, which meant she was in charge of the seating plan for graduation dinner. It wasn’t like our prom – we’d had that a month ago – but it was just as important. Graduation was everyone’s day. The smart students were acknowledged properly, the socialites once again had the opportunity to flaunt their connections, and everyone got the chance to finally confirm which colleges they would be attending. And last but not least, we got to parade around with our boyfriends and girlfriends for the last time – all while looking fabulous.

I glanced over Lucy’s shoulder at her table plan as Mr Barlow made a last-ditch effort to get control of the class. He suggested we call out random mathematical problems and jointly solve them for a bit of fun.

‘Here.’ I pointed to her plan. ‘Can’t you put this table together with this one and break that one into two, like this.’ I pointed out the people to keep together and who to separate. ‘Then you’ll just have Sahara left, and she could sit on table sixteen, which would bring that up to eight.’

Mr Barlow cleared his throat behind us.

‘Sorry, sir,’ I said.

‘Oh my god, that’s totally brilliant!’ Lucy shrieked, oblivious to the fact that her outburst earned me yet another stern look.

‘Perhaps you have a suggestion for what the class could work on, Sabine?’ Mr Barlow asked.

I swallowed, looking at the whiteboard. There was an advanced trigonometry equation already up there. Math was not my strong suit.

‘Oh.’ My mind was racing. When I opened my mouth I didn’t seem to be able to control what flew out. ‘Er … two numbers where the sum is twenty-six and the product is one hundred and sixty-five, sir.’

I expected Mr Barlow to snap at me for wasting everyone’s time, but instead he broke into a smile.

‘Just the thing we need in our final week – a little bit of lateral thinking. Well done, Sabine. Okay, class, how about it?’

I walked out of math with Lucy singing my praises and the first answer on Ethan’s to-do list.



I had planned to sneak away with my laptop at lunch, hoping to find out what language was on Ethan’s list, but Lucy intercepted me in the hall.

‘Where are you going?’

‘To the sports field,’ I said vaguely.

‘Absolutely not. You can’t! I need you. If I don’t get this table plan finished during lunch and the order of service finalised by the end of today, I won’t be able to go to Mixons tonight.’ She pouted. ‘You have to help me, Sabine! Noah is going to be there! And I heard he still hasn’t invited anyone to the graduation dinner.’ She threw me a plaintive look.

I smiled and sighed. Despite my dire need to be elsewhere, there was a girl code of conduct when it came to these things, and Lucy deserved to turn up to graduation on the arm of the hottie she’d been drooling over for the past two years. Mixons, the popular seniors’ hangout, was the perfect opportunity to make something happen.

‘On one condition,’ I said, hoping I’d still have enough time to get my final answers as well as get my car back and go to Mixons.

‘Anything!’ she chirped.

‘If I help you get everything done and Noah is there tonight, you have to promise me you’re actually going to ask him to go to the graduation dinner with you.’

‘But –’

I cut her off with a hand in the air. ‘Those are my conditions, take or leave.’

She glanced down the hall to where Noah was looking delicious, leaning against his locker and joking around with Dex and Brett. They really would be a beautiful couple, and I was sure I’d caught him checking her out when he thought no one was looking. She took a deep breath and scrunched up her face.

‘Okay, okay!’

I smiled triumphantly. ‘Okay then. Let’s get to work.’



It took all of lunchtime plus our study period to finalise the table plan and run sheet. When we finally emerged from the seniors’ lounge, Lucy looked positively delirious knowing she could now delegate the remaining tasks to the other committee members.

‘Now it’s just down to styling the hall on the day. Any chance you might be interested in helping?’ she asked sheepishly.

To her surprise I nodded. By then, I was hoping I’d be a lot closer to having my own life sorted. And maybe having things to keep me busy in this world would be just what I’d need.

‘No problem,’ I said. ‘I’m a brilliant supervisor.’

Lucy slapped me on the arm playfully. ‘Of course, if you’re too busy getting a bikini wax during the day …’ She elbowed me jokingly. ‘I could always make an exception.’

‘You are so funny,’ I quipped, ignoring the twist in my stomach.

‘Oh, come on, Sabine. Since when did you get all secretive about the big night? I thought you’d be planning out the entire thing. I’m surprised you haven’t worked out a script.’

I gave her a teasing smile. ‘Well, Lucy, I don’t need a script. Not much talking involved.’

She burst into a fit of giggles. But when she sobered, her next words threw me.

‘You’re happy though, right?’

‘I … ah … Why do you ask?’ I stammered.

‘You’ve just seemed a bit distracted lately. I was thinking about it the other day, and I totally get why you’ve waited this long to … you know. It’s a big thing. But you guys have been together for years. I guess I just wondered if there was any other reason that you hadn’t … before.’

I stopped walking, stunned by the insightfulness of Lucy’s comments. It was true. I had made Dex wait a long time. I’d excused it as best I could, given all the right reasons, hidden behind properness, self-respect, age, timing, blah blah blah. But it had stopped being about those things a while back. In many ways, I’d been hoping to find that missing ingredient in our otherwise perfect relationship.

‘Well, I … um.’ I sighed. ‘Luce, I’m …’

On the verge of spilling my concerns to her, I froze. This was my Wellesley life. If this life fell apart, right before graduation, what would I have then? No. I couldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t risk having both of my worlds in disarray.

I waved a dismissive hand through the air. ‘I’m absolutely happy, more than happy. Dex and I are going to be together for, like, ever. Waiting until the right time to take this step was key. If we’d jumped into bed too soon, we wouldn’t be able to look back on this time and know how much we’d wanted it.’

Lucy swooned. ‘Aw, you guys are so adorable. I hadn’t thought of that, but it’s so true.’ She nodded. ‘I hope Noah and I are like you two one day.’

I blinked, surprised it had been that easy. But I gladly latched onto the change of subject. ‘Well, you’ll never find out if you don’t do something about it. Tonight.’

‘At least if he rejects me, I won’t have to see him at school for much longer,’ she moaned as we made our way down the hall to our last class of the day.