Between the Lives

chapter TWENTY-THREE


Roxbury, Monday


On Monday night Ethan was back, quietly opening my door, checking to see if I was awake.

I was sitting in the armchair. My days of trying to sleep through the Shift were over; the cycle was so out of whack there was no point trying to change things now. Not when I didn’t plan on juggling it for much longer.

When I saw him, I put down my notebook and the pen I’d finally been entrusted with. The pen privilege was no small feat on my part. Lately Levi’s efforts had doubled; he insisted I start talking openly, and that if he couldn’t be sure we were making progress certain privileges would be revoked. Bottom line, to avoid going back to peeing with an audience I’d spent an hour talking to him about absolute crap, making sure to focus on my ‘feelings’ and avoid explaining much about my two worlds. It was obvious Levi thought I’d fabricated my Wellesley life to give me some sense of control I was supposedly lacking in my Roxbury world. He even hinted that I made elements of Wellesley challenging just so I could reward myself by overcoming them. It took a lot of effort not to scream at him.

After the session, I’d spent the afternoon writing letters to Maddie. I’d given it a lot of thought since seeing her and decided I didn’t want her to be exposed to things she shouldn’t be; didn’t want her to think I’d condone something that in other circumstances would be terrible.

The ironic thing was – I really didn’t condone it.

I still had trouble admitting to myself that what I was considering, what I was now planning, was technically … suicide.

But how could I go on this way?

I honestly didn’t believe I could survive if I had to go on living two lives. They may have me in a mental clinic for the wrong reasons, but if I didn’t make this change – give myself the chance to live a normal life – I might end up in a place like this in both of my lives. I couldn’t risk that.

I’d written one letter to be given to Maddie straight after I was gone, and others that I wanted to have set aside for her birthdays until she was eighteen. It was the best I could do to try to help her understand that I was okay, how much I loved her and how much I valued life. I hoped they’d get to her.

‘Hi,’ Ethan said, his voice raspy. He looked exhausted.

‘Hey.’ I glanced at him briefly.

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t in the last couple of days.’

I shrugged, trying to hide how much his absence had affected me. ‘Everyone deserves a day off now and then.’

He bit his lip, but didn’t say anything else. Instead, since I was sitting in the chair, he perched on the edge of the bed.

I stared at my cast. The bouncing bunnies were starting to fade.

Finally, since it was clear I wasn’t going to, he spoke. ‘Levi is talking about putting you on some meds.’

I grimaced. He’d said as much, but I’d hoped that all my talking in our last session might have changed his mind. I guess I hadn’t been that convincing.

‘I don’t care what he does.’

Ethan shook his head at me. ‘You think you have it so bad. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re lucky? Maybe you have a chance to do something amazing with your lives? You could … I don’t know, you could change the world, maybe more than just this one. You could make a difference. Do you know how incredible that is? Have you ever considered that you could use your knowledge in one world to benefit the other? Have you ever even investigated?’

‘You want me to make a difference? Be important?’

‘Yes!’

I looked up at him. ‘Do you know what I want, Ethan?’

He spoke quietly. ‘What, Sabine? What do you want?’

His eyes bored into me and my heart clenched. I hated the involuntary reaction I had to him. Especially now – knowing I meant nothing to him. I ignored the feelings welling up inside and held his gaze.

‘I want to be able to breathe. I want to know I’m with people who care about me – about all of me. And I want to be free to care about them too. To be able to tell them everything about me, not lie and pretend all the time. I want to know that if I drift off to sleep by accident one day, I’ll wake up in the same place. I want to live each day once, the best that I can live it. Who are you to deny me that? I told you I don’t want to die, Ethan, I want to live. Is that so wrong?’

‘But how do you know you’re choosing the right life?’ he pleaded. ‘What if you’re giving up something you don’t even have yet, a future in this world that would give you more happiness than you could have ever imagined?’

‘It’s a risk I have to be willing to take. There are a lot of “what ifs” in life. I can’t live my lives hedging my bets. Trust me, that’s no life.’

‘But that’s exactly my point, Sabine. It’s like that saying: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. You keep thinking one life will be better, but how can you give up half of who you are and think it will make you happier? And while we’re on the subject of “what ifs” – what if you’re wrong? You can’t be sure that if you die in one world, you’ll go on living in the other. What if you lose both worlds? What if you die?’

I rubbed my bare arms. ‘I did the tests, everything backs up the theory.’ I glanced nervously at the clock and then stood, pacing a couple of times. ‘Not long till the Shift. Do you have anything for me tonight?’

He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘Why do you care about convincing me if you’re just going to do it anyway?’

It was a complicated question, with an even more complicated answer. I stalled by reading the list. ‘Uskon sinua. Don’t suppose you want to give me a heads-up on what language that is?’

‘It’s Finnish,’ he answered, surprising me with the clue. ‘You haven’t answered my question.’

I folded the list and shrugged vaguely.

He didn’t let it drop. ‘I think it’s because you aren’t sure at all. I think there’s a part of you that wishes you could find a way to have both lives and make them work together.’

I started to get onto the bed, wanting my second-last Shift to be as smooth as possible. Ethan shuffled down the end, giving me room.

‘And I think you think too much,’ I mumbled.

At 11.45, I could feel the panic building, the blood draining from my face. Ethan’s words played on my mind, eroding my confidence. I needed to get him away from me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable tonight.

‘You want to know why? I just want to convince you so you’ll agree to give Maddie the letters I’ve written for her, since I know my parents won’t.’

I heard his gulp. I expected him to take the comment as the slap it was intended to be and storm out of the room, leaving me to Shift pathetically on my own.

The silence was broken when he finally started to move, the bedsprings squeaking. To my surprise, instead of getting off the bed, he lay down behind me and put his arm around me, steadying my trembling body.

‘I can see right through you, Sabine,’ he murmured in my ear, pulling me closer, his wintergreen fragrance enveloping me. My shivers remained, but the reason for them changed entirely.

No one had ever come this close to knowing me. If anyone could see through the layers, down to the real version of myself that even I didn’t know, it was Ethan.

‘I’m here. I won’t let go. As long as I’m here, I promise you, I won’t let go.’

My heart raced at both his words and his nearness, my body’s reaction conflicting with my still-angry and confused mind.

‘Ethan? What’s going on?’ I whispered.

He sighed and I felt his warm breath move around my exposed neck, as if it were claiming me. ‘There are things I want to tell you, things you need to know. But not yet. Please, Sabine, try to trust me when I say you need to make your decision thinking only of yourself. It didn’t come out right the other night. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.’

‘It was pretty clear.’

‘Then why am I here?’

I had absolutely no idea.

‘Just think about it. Keep thinking about this decision you’re making. Keep thinking about all the conversations we’ve had, all the things you’ve told me – how extraordinary your life is. In this world, Sabine. Don’t just think about how much better everything would be if you only had your other world, think about what you would miss if you didn’t have this world.’

‘Why Ethan? Why is it so important to you?’ ‘You said you wanted someone to know you. Maybe I just want to have someone know me too. Without you in this world, the memories of every moment we’ve shared together will be gone. We only exist because others see us. Part of my existence …’ he swallowed, ‘… an important part, only exists because you are here to see it.’

What he said was … beautiful. Earth-shatteringly, profoundly beautiful. And frightening. Totally and utterly terrifying.

I found myself half laughing to stop from crying. ‘You know everyone thinks I’m crazy. They think Wellesley is my imaginary world. I was thinking about it today, thinking that maybe they were right – maybe I am insane. But the thing is, who says it’s my Wellesley world that isn’t real? Maybe it’s this life that doesn’t exist.’

‘Is that your way of telling me I’m just a figment of your imagination?’

‘Maybe.’

‘That’s impossible, Sabine.’ His arm tightened around me. ‘If I were a creation of your mind, you’d never have made me this way, believe me.’ I opened my mouth to question him, but before I could speak he went on. ‘And anyway, some things are so real you can feel them to your core. It doesn’t matter where you go, they go with you. Anywhere.’

I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I was so tired of it all. Literally exhausted and bone weary. And Ethan was turning out to be a complication I seemed to understand less and less every day.

‘It’s your graduation day in your other world, isn’t it?’

The lump in my throat stopped me from answering, but I managed a small nod.

‘Don’t …’ He paused. ‘Don’t forget to bring me my words,’ he murmured, reminding me that I still needed to gather his proof.

The Shift was coming. My stomach sank and I rolled over to face him, not bothering to hide my tears. For a moment I thought he was going to say something else, but he was quiet. ‘You may as well just say you still don’t believe me.’

His hand clasped the side of my face, tilting it back, his fingers biting into the back of my neck. ‘That’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to get the translation.’

His eyes softened and I couldn’t seem to tear my own away. We stayed locked like that, his hand on my face, and before I knew what I was doing my own arms went out, wrapping around him. If only this once, I needed to hold him.

I barely managed to whisper, ‘Ethan, it’s almost midnight. What is it you couldn’t tell me?’

He shook his head. ‘I refuse to believe you’ve made your final decision, and you need to do that first. I don’t want this to influence it.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And I wish I wasn’t so selfish, I do … but Sabine?’

I shot a look at the clock. So did he. One minute till midnight.

‘What?’

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t do it tonight … with Dex. Don’t. Come back to me, Sabine. God forgive me, but … I love you.’ His hand slipped all the way around my neck and he pulled me to him, his lips going to mine hungrily as he gripped me so tight I could feel his arms trembling. He kissed me in a way I’d never imagined possible. I kissed him in a way I’d never thought possible.

How had I never known a kiss could shatter everything?

I matched his need with my own until I thought I might explode with the sheer intensity of my desire.

Instead, lost in the moment, I Shifted.