I like Toni’s body exactly the way it is right now.
What does that mean for me? Or for Toni?
Also, the way Toni is explaining it to Audrey sounds much simpler than the way Toni’s always explained it to me. Is that because Toni is trying to make this easier for Audrey? Or have I just been overcomplicating things in my head?
“All right.” Audrey nods. “So for you it would be like getting regular plastic surgery. Changing your outsides, not your insides.”
“Yeah.” Toni looks confused. “I guess.”
“Like a boob job,” Audrey goes on. “Only, I mean, in reverse.”
That makes me laugh. Neither of them does, though.
“Is it because of all your new friends up at college?” Audrey says. “Are they, you know, peer-pressuring you to be more trans than you are normally?”
I’ve wondered that, too. I’m glad I never said it out loud, though, because Toni looks pissed.
“No one’s pressuring me to do anything,” Toni says. “If they were, it wouldn’t make a difference. I know who I am.”
Audrey bites her lip. “Sorry. I’m just trying to understand.”
Toni softens right away. “I know.”
“So you’re going to be my brother,” Audrey says. It’s so strange to hear her say that. “Someday. Maybe. Probably.”
“Yeah,” Toni says.
What?
Okay, seriously. What the hell happened to gender nonconforming?
What happened to I’m still figuring it out?
All of a sudden, Toni is going to be a guy? Someday? Maybe? Probably?
What the hell does this mean for me?
“So, are you straight now?” Audrey asks.
“No!” I say before Toni can reply.
I expect Toni to agree with me. Instead Toni laughs. “There’s nothing wrong with being straight, Gretch.”
“I know that,” I say. “You’re certainly not straight, though. You’re queer, same as me.”
“Well, yeah, but I don’t like guys,” Toni says. “I like girls. So if I wind up being a guy, then yeah, I guess technically I’d be straight.”
Oh, my God. This is really real, isn’t it? This is really going to happen.
Jesus. Toni is going to be a guy.
“That’s not how it works,” I say.
“It’s not?” Toni and Audrey ask at the same time. Then they laugh at their overlap.
I want to cover my ears and go “La la la.” Instead I say, “I don’t know. I guess it’s different for different people.”
They aren’t listening to me anymore. They’re still giggling.
“If you’re going to be a straight guy, you need to get a new haircut,” Audrey says. “Only a gay guy would wear that much gel.”
“Lay off my hair!” Toni says. Audrey flicks Toni with her finger, and Toni flicks her back.
This whole awkward scene has brought them closer. That’s so weird.
The weirdest part is that I can’t remember the last time I saw Toni this happy.
I try to smile, too, but my bottom lip is quivering. They don’t notice, though. They’re still laughing.
I tell them I have to go to the bathroom. Then I sit on the toilet seat and cry.
*
I don’t have a curfew anymore, since I reminded my parents I get to stay out all night anyway at school. I can stay at Toni’s as long as I want to.
I dry my eyes and wash my face. When I get back to Audrey’s room, neither of them seems to have noticed I was gone so long. Toni is giddy that Audrey’s taking the news so well. The three of us hang out talking for another hour. Audrey’s dying to get away from their parents, so Toni invites her to come along to London next month for the internship interview. (Assuming their parents say yes, which they will. The Fasseaus will take any opportunity to get their children out of the house, including shipping them overseas.) This annoys me because I’m still not thrilled about Toni going so far away for the summer, but I stay quiet. Finally Audrey yawns and talks about how she had a long day at school, so Toni and I go back down the hall.
We lie on Toni’s bed. It’s late, and Toni’s staring at the ceiling with an unreadable expression. I’m still freaked out from earlier, but I can’t show it.
“So, that happened,” Toni says.
“Yes, it did,” I say, neutral.
“It was better than I thought it would be.”
“Yeah. Your sister is awesome. I knew she’d be cool about it.”
Toni rolls over onto an elbow, looking at me for the first time since we left Audrey’s room. There’s a softness in Toni’s eyes. I haven’t seen that expression there since last August.
“Thank you,” Toni says. “So much.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what to say. Those words mean so much. “I didn’t...”
“You did. You were there. You being there with me meant so much.”
Toni’s head drops onto my shoulder. I lie there, feeling Toni’s soft weight on my chest, my heart exploding.
“I love you,” I say after another long moment has passed. Because it’s true, and because I want to say it. And because I want to see what will happen.
Toni doesn’t answer.
Maybe Toni’s asleep. I shake T’s shoulder gently. “T?”