I punch the cherub in the face. It doesn’t flinch. My hand hurts a lot, though. Toni jumps over the railing into the basin and grabs for my arm. “Christ, Gretchen! Did you break anything?”
I slide down from the statue and pull my arm away before Toni can touch me. The pain is bringing me back to myself, just a little. “What do you care?”
“Look.” Toni takes off the baseball cap, revealing a mess of matted red hair. I don’t like Toni’s new hair. “I realized something. Derek and Inez, they just started going out, and they’re taking it slow, making sure it’s what they want. I realized, you and me, we never did that. We just jumped right in. That’s not how it’s supposed to go.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I shout. “That’s all total bull crap! Who cares what works for somebody else? I don’t care about stupid Derek. I care about you!”
“I care about you, too,” Toni says. “That isn’t the only thing that matters, though, don’t you see? There has to be more.”
“No.” My chest is rising and falling like I’ve just run a marathon. “I don’t see. I think you’re full of crap.”
“Do you really mean that?” Toni’s eyebrows crinkle.
Somehow, in the middle of all this, Toni has managed to make me feel like the guilty one.
I reach back to punch the cherub with my other hand. Toni grabs my arm before I can swing.
“Let go of me!”
I’m crying. I pull my arm free, but I don’t go for the statue again. Instead I reach back with shaking hands and untie the leather cord with the top hat charm from around my neck. When it comes free, I throw it as far as I can. It lands in someone’s backyard.
“I’m sorry,” Toni says, looking down at the cement. “I think deep down this is what we both need. You deserve better than me.”
“Yeah, well, you’re a shitty mind reader,” I say. “You don’t get to decide what I need. Only I get to decide what’s best for me.”
Toni reaches for my other hand, the sore one. This time I don’t pull away. Toni holds my hand carefully, turning it to look at my knuckles.
“You’re bleeding.” Toni reaches into a jeans pocket and pulls out a tissue.
I sit down on the cement floor of the fountain, my back against the statue. The cold seeps through my jeans, making me shiver. Toni sits down next to me and presses the tissue onto my fingers. Pieces of it come off onto my bloody skin.
I’m still crying, but I’m calmer now. I don’t bother to wipe my face.
“Is that why you’re going to England this summer?” I ask. “Are you trying to get away from me?”
“No,” Toni says. “God, no. I meant what I told you about visiting.”
“It’s not the same and you know it.” I lean my head on Toni’s shoulder.
“I know.”
“What is it? Why is coming back here so horrible? Is it your mom?”
“It’s my mom, but it’s also...all of it. Being down here...it’s like I never left. Like I’m still the same person I was when I lived here.”
“You want to be somebody else instead.”
“Sort of, yeah.”
I turn my hand over and lace our fingers together. “I want you to be whoever you want to be.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to hold you back. I wouldn’t.”
Toni doesn’t say anything.
“I’m serious,” I say. “Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”
Toni nods, slowly.
“Just please don’t leave me.” My voice breaks.
Toni picks up my hand and kisses my fingers. The bleeding has stopped.
“This isn’t really what you want,” I say. “I know you think you do, but trust me. I know you. You don’t want to do this without me.”
“I love you,” Toni says.
It takes all my powers of restraint to keep me from getting up and dancing.
“Here, I know what we should do,” I say. “Let’s just take a break. Until the end of the semester. Then you can see if this is what you still want.”
“That’s only a few weeks,” Toni says.
“It should be long enough to decide.”
When it comes to the big decisions, Toni either acts totally on impulse or agonizes forever. Most of the time, it’s the agony route. Toni waffles back and forth, makes a decision, then decides that decision was wrong and starts all over again.
It can last days, weeks, months. Toni thinks through every aspect, makes mental flow charts, considers every possible outcome until it’s been beaten into the dirt.
It’s something I’ve always liked about Toni. Most of the time, T takes things very, very seriously.
This time, Toni’s indecision will work in my favor. I’m certain of it. Tonight was obviously one of those impulse decisions. Soon Toni will realize this was a huge mistake. Soon I’ll get a phone call begging me to let Toni take it all back. Pretend this never happened. Maybe it’ll even happen before the end of Thanksgiving weekend.
I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner.