“Hey, Audrey,” I say. “I know it’s late, but can we come in and talk about something important?”
“As long as you aren’t here to tell me you’re taking the car back to Boston with you,” Audrey says, looking at Toni. We come in and sit down on these faux-fur butterfly chairs Audrey has, with cheap fabric stretched over thin aluminum tubes. I’m always sure I’ll fall out of them. Audrey sits on the bed. “Dad said if you do he won’t let me get another Nissan. I’ll be stuck driving Mom’s old Range Rover to school and honestly, it’s so embarrassing.”
“I don’t want the car,” Toni says. “No one drives at Harvard.”
“Good,” Audrey says. “Can I have your room, too?”
“No,” Toni says.
Audrey laughs. Toni doesn’t. I want to tell Toni to relax, but I’ve already done my job. My only responsibility from this point on is to sit here and be silently supportive.
“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Audrey looks back and forth between us. She’s still smiling, but I can tell she’s getting nervous.
After a long pause, so long I start to get worried, Toni looks down and says, “Um. So. Look. Do you know what transgender means?”
“Yeah, duh,” Audrey says. “I’m in the GSA, remember? I read that same book you guys did. Hey, is this about your friend Nance?”
Toni’s head shoots back up. “What?”
“That girl Nance. I saw where she posted on your page, and I looked at her profile. She was talking about working on a guide to gender transitioning at Harvard. Is she transgender?”
“No. Nance isn’t trans.” Toni cracks a tiny smile. “At least, not as far as I know.”
“Oh.” Audrey looks even more confused.
“I am.”
“Oh. Oh!”
Audrey stands up, then sits back down. She looks at me with wide eyes. I give Audrey a tiny nod so she knows she heard right. She grabs a throw pillow with a pink peace sign on it and hugs it to her chest. I wait for Toni to explain that actually, the best word to use for T is genderqueer or gender nonconforming, not transgender, but Toni doesn’t say that.
“Are you freaked?” Toni asks instead.
“No,” Audrey says. I wonder if she’s telling the truth. “I mean, I kind of had a feeling. Even before you left. It’s just weird to hear it for real.”
God, I know what she means. It’s one thing to have an inkling, but knowing that it’s your life now...
“You had a feeling before?” Toni asks. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Audrey says. “Mainly because of the lawsuit thing. I mean, I get not liking skirts, but you seemed like you really, really hated them.”
“Oh.”
“So.” Audrey smiles really big. She’s talking faster than usual. “Does this mean you’re a full-time guy now, or what?”
“No,” Toni says. “Not yet.”
Wow. I’ve never heard Toni use the word yet for that before. Does that mean Toni’s definitely decided to transition? Or is this just how Toni’s explaining it to Audrey?
I close my eyes and bite my lip to keep from asking questions.
“When?” Audrey asks. I open my eyes to watch Toni’s reaction.
“I’m not sure,” Toni says. “I’m still figuring it all out.”
“How do you know you’re transgender if you’re still figuring it out?” Audrey asks.
“Because I know I don’t consider myself female,” Toni says. “I never have. But it’s only been since I started school this year that I’ve thought about it in these exact terms.”
That much I knew. Toni told me that the first time we talked about this stuff. I just know I’m not female, Toni said then. I don’t know what that makes me. Can you wait while I figure it out? Would you?
“I thought you said you didn’t believe in the binary gender system,” Audrey says. “You said it at that one GSA meeting last year.”
“I don’t,” Toni says.
“So if you don’t believe there’s a binary system, why would you want to be a guy?”
I never would’ve dreamed of asking Toni that question myself.
“Uh.” Toni falters. “I don’t know. For real, though, I’m still thinking it through. Maybe I don’t want to go all the way to becoming a guy. I’m not sure. All I know is, I definitely don’t see myself as a girl.”
Oh. Okay.
At first I’m relieved. Then I feel guilty about feeling relieved.
“Oh,” Audrey says. “I thought you were supposed to feel trans? That video we watched said trans people felt like they were born in the wrong body.”
“Yeah, I don’t get that,” Toni says. “I wasn’t born in the wrong body. This is my body.”
“But you just said you don’t see yourself as a girl. You just said!”
Audrey’s frustrated, and I am, too. I’m so glad she’s saying all this stuff. I’ve never asked these questions. I’ve been so scared of saying the wrong thing.
“I don’t see myself as female,” Toni says. “But I don’t think I’m in the wrong body, either. That seems way too extreme. I don’t want to switch bodies with someone else. I’m just not positive I like my body exactly the way it is right now.”