“‘Those kinds of guys’? What, like they’re alien creatures? Do you not have trans people at Yale?”
“Oh, uh.” Chris frowns. “I guess we do. I bet I’d know some if I’d joined one of the gay groups. Everyone in those groups are just so full of themselves, though. Besides, I meet plenty of guys on the crew team as it is.”
I laugh. My heart has slowed down to a flutter. “There’s more to joining organizations than meeting potential hookup partners.”
“If you say so. Anyway, look, I don’t want to get off track, because this part is important.”
“Which part?”
“The part where you’re crazy.”
“Chris, listen to me—”
“No, you listen.”
Chris gives me that look again. I shrink back. I don’t remember Chris being so intimidating in high school. Maybe it’s those new, even bigger crew-team muscles. They make my friend look slightly like a blond, gay Superman.
“Seriously,” Chris says. “You think you’ll ever find someone like Gretchen again? Someone gorgeous and smart who’ll put up with all your BS and think it’s cute? Because I hate to break it to you, but you won’t.”
“What?” I can’t tell how much of that was a joke. “You’re saying Gretchen’s too good for me?”
Only I get to think that.
“I’m saying she’s one in a million,” Chris says. “And you’re an idiot. If I met a guy version of Gretchen, I’d hang on for dear life.”
“I’ve been hanging on for dear life.” My heart is beating fast again. The words are coming fast, too. Faster than I can think them. “I don’t think it’s working. I think Gretchen would be a lot better off without me, and I think she—I mean, ze—knows that, too. Gretchen’s just too nice to say so.”
Wow. I can’t believe those words even entered my brain.
I don’t want to take them back, though. Even though they hurt.
“You’re crazy,” Chris says. “She worships you.”
“Gretchen doesn’t really know me.”
“So, what, all your awesome new friends do?”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
Chris is still giving me that look. Probably thinking about what Steven did. Thinking I’m just as bad.
It isn’t like that, though. I’m not talking about abandoning Gretchen on some sort of stupid whim. I’m taking this seriously. I’m trying to be mature.
“Not to knock your Harvard friends, because they’re great and all,” Chris says. “But you’re still getting to know them, and they’re all older than you. What are you going to do when they graduate? Do you have any friends in your own year? I mean, seriously, do you really want to cut things off with your real best friend right now?”
“It’ll be a long time before the guys graduate.” Besides, I prefer not to think about what will happen after that.
“Well, either way, you’re crazy.” Chris sighs. “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but breaking up sucks. Just look at me.”
Yes. I’m extremely aware that breaking up sucks.
I’m really worried about it, actually. All these awful scenarios keep running through my head.
Gretchen gets, well. Kind of emotional sometimes. What if I do something and it makes Gretchen, like—really, really upset? So upset I need to—I don’t know—be worried?
No. It’s ridiculously arrogant of me to think I’m that important. That a couple of words from me could be enough to set off something like that. I’ve got to stay rational here.
“I know you feel wretched, but that’s because your breakup only just happened,” I tell Chris. “The wretchedness will fade.”
“Toni. He first cheated on me a month ago.”
This is new information. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. He told me right after it happened. I cried, he cried, he said he was sorry and promised he’d never do it again, and I took him back and tried to act like nothing had happened. Then, a couple of days ago, he changed his mind and dumped me, after all. Once he got over the initial wave of guilt, I guess, he realized he wanted to be free to pursue his herpes agenda more than he wanted me. He was too nice to cheat on me again while we were still together, I’ll give him that, but he wasn’t too nice to break my heart.”
“Jeez, Chris. I’m sorry.”
“So.” Ze coughs. “You can see why I’m not thrilled at the idea of you doing the same thing to a good friend of mine.”
I look down at the crumbling step. “It wouldn’t be like that. I’d never cheat on Gretchen. If we broke up, it wouldn’t be for some petty reason. Plus, I haven’t decided for sure. I’d only do it if I thought there was no other choice.”
“T, I’m sorry, but there’s always a choice.”
“It doesn’t make sense anymore!” I don’t know why Chris can’t see this. It’s all so clear in my head. “Me and Gretchen! We never made sense. Gretchen’s always been way out of my league. We make even less sense now than we did before.”
“Why don’t you make sense?” Chris asks.