The first part of what she said makes me squirmy, so I only answer the second part.
“Maybe that’s how it was back home, but it doesn’t have to be that way here,” I say. “This is New York. Nobody stands out here anyway.”
That might be my favorite thing about New York. The anonymity. In this city you can be whoever you want. No one knows any different.
“I guess,” Sam says. “It did pretty much suck back home. No one there got it. I was worried that when I met real goths they’d turn out to be obsessed with blood and animal sacrifice and Ouija boards, but now that I’m up here it’s actually pretty fun. None of my goth friends ever really wants to talk about the scary stuff. We just hang out and wear cool clothes. Plus goth guys are cute, when they remember to wash their hair.”
I laugh. “Okay. Forget I said anything. Go to sleep.”
She fake-snores. I laugh again.
My phone buzzes. I take it out to tell Toni I’m going to bed, but Toni’s text says: Btw think I’m not going to dc 4 tgiving. Might volunteer at a food drive here. So I won’t have 2c the scary mother.
I jump up, grab my keys and my computer, go out into the deserted hallway, sit down on the floor and open video chat.
Toni doesn’t answer my call. Instead I get another text.
Sorry, I can’t get online right now. Battery almost out and outlets all taken.
I roll my eyes to the ceiling and press the Call button on my phone. Toni answers on the third ring.
“I can’t talk, either,” T says. “Ebony’s sleeping and the demon twins are in the common room.”
“So go out in the hall. That’s where I am.”
There’s rustling. Doors opening and closing. Then Toni sighs. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“What’s up?”
“What do you mean, what’s up?” I ask. “Tell me you’re not serious about Thanksgiving.”
There’s a long pause. It’s strange, not being able to see Toni’s face. I’m used to video chat. It’s still not the same as being together, but at least online I can see what’s going on. Get some sort of clue from Toni’s face.
Finally Toni says, “It’s just...the closer it gets, the worse it seems.”
I suck in a breath. “I’ve only seen you once since the beginning of the semester.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I want to see you, I just...really, really don’t want to go down to Thanksgiving. I hate being around my mother. You know that.”
I want to cry. Instead I chew on my lip and look straight ahead. There’s a stain on the carpet in the shape of Idaho. I focus on that so I can keep my voice steady.
“You already canceled your trip here so you can go to England for your interview,” I say. “If you don’t come home for Thanksgiving, we won’t see each other until Christmas. That’s another five weeks from now.”
I’m angry, but I feel guilty at the same time. If I’d gone to school in Boston, we wouldn’t be having this problem.
Toni sighs into the phone again. “I’m so tired. Can we talk about this later?”
“When?” The anger in my voice masks the guilt. “You know Thanksgiving is next week, right?”
“Please don’t be mad at me.”
Oh, God. I suck. That was such an un-Toni-like thing to say. We never get mad at each other. “T, what’s really going on?”
“Nothing. I’m just tired, and it’s cold here, and I have so much work to do still, and I’ve had a sinus infection for three months, and I hate my roommates, and I’m having a really tough time adjusting to using they pronouns and I think I need to try using ze instead but I’m afraid that’s going to be even harder, and I told Derek I’d come out to my sister over Thanksgiving but now I think I’m too scared, and also I really, really, really, really cannot possibly emphasize how much I do not want to see my mother next week or, really, ever again.”
Whoa. “You’re coming out to Audrey? As trans? I mean—as gender nonconforming?”
Toni sighs into the phone, long and heavy. “I don’t know. I was going to, but I don’t know.”
Well, that explains it. This isn’t really about me or even Toni’s mom. Toni’s just nervous about coming out. I soften my voice.
“You don’t need to be scared,” I say. “Audrey will be okay with it.”
Toni breathes out so long I can’t tell if it’s a sigh or a groan. “It’s so easy for you to say that.”
I close my eyes. Toni’s right, obviously. I’m not the one taking the risk.
The thing is, I’m right, too. Audrey adores Toni. Toni could come out to her as a secretly evil warlord of some country we’ve never heard of and Audrey would be cool with it.
“I know, but seriously,” I say. “I promise you, Audrey will be completely fine with you being...you know. Look, to be honest, I think she already suspects.”
“Why would Audrey suspect? They have no frame of reference. They’re only a kid.”