What We Left Behind

Hmm. What about my sister?

Audrey and I have never talked about this. My sister has no problem with the gay stuff, of course—Audrey always came to the Youth Pride festivals and Queer Proms I organized in high school, usually with a boyfriend in tow—but we’ve never sat down and discussed any of it.

I could think about it, though. I wouldn’t need to worry about Audrey telling my parents. My sister doesn’t get along with Mom any better than I do. I feel a familiar pang of guilt at leaving Audrey alone in that house, but at least Mom is basically never there.

“Sixteen,” I say. “Hmm. Maybe I should try talking to my sister about it when I go home for Thanksgiving. See what happens.”

Derek whistles. “You are serious about this, aren’t you?”

That hurts. I cross my arms and tuck my hands into my armpits. “You thought I wasn’t?”

“No. I’m impressed, that’s all. Maybe you’re more of a flaming cannonball than I thought. Oh, and speaking of Thanksgiving, are you coming with us to the game?”

“Yeah, definitely.” The Harvard-Yale game is the weekend before Thanksgiving. It’s at Harvard this year, which is good, because Nance is the only one of us who has a car, and I’d rather not listen to Nance moon about hot Wellesley girls for a full three-hour drive to New Haven. “Chris is coming up and staying with me. You guys don’t mind hanging out with a Yalie, do you?”

“Nah, we’re used to it by now. Nance’s girlfriend is coming up, too.”

My mouth drops open. “Nance has a girlfriend? At Yale?”

Derek laughs. “Don’t act so shocked. She’s always been a hit with the ladyfolk.”

I am kind of shocked, but I don’t want to insult Derek by saying so. “Hey, that reminds me. Can I ask you something?”

“We have proven that in fact you can and do. Often.”

“Very funny. How well do you know Lacey Colfer?”

“Uh. Why?”

I shrug. “I just didn’t know you guys were friends. Lacey’s the TF who set me up with my internship.”

“Oh!” Derek nods slowly. “So that’s why she was asking about you.”

“Uh. I guess.”

I’m dying to know what Lacey said about me, but if I ask it will seem like I’m interested, which I’m not. Obviously. I barely know Lacey. More importantly, way more importantly, I’m in love with Gretchen. Derek knows all that, so it’s dumb of me to worry about them thinking anything else. Except...I just kind of have this sense that I shouldn’t say anything more.

“Yeah, she just asked if I knew you,” Derek says. “I ran into her this morning in Lamont. I told her you’d be coming here tonight, and she said she wanted to come, too. She and I, uh, we went out for a while.”

Of course.

“Derek,” I say. “How many people currently sitting in that common room have you hooked up with at one point or another?”

Derek smirks. “Look, the whole Harvard queer community is really incestuous. You get used to it after a while.”

“Uh-huh.”

I shake my head. So what if Derek and Lacey were together once upon a time? It’s funny, that’s all. One more funny thing in my completely hilarious life.

I try to laugh, but no sound comes out.

A door opens behind me. I turn around, squinting at the sudden influx of light from the common area and the indistinguishable silhouette standing in the doorway. I hadn’t realized how dark it was in here.

“Sorry, E.” Derek stands up quickly. “We didn’t mean to invade your territory.”

“It’s okay.” Eli turns on the light and closes the door. As my eyes adjust to the brightness, I can see the bags under Eli’s eyes. “Uh, can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, I can head out.” I stand up, too.

“Actually, maybe I could talk to both of you?” Eli says. “If you don’t mind, T?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” I sit back down. So does Derek. Eli’s tone sounds pretty intense. I don’t remember any of these guys ever wanting to talk to me about something serious before.

Eli sits in the desk chair, towering over us for once. On the desk I can see a pharmacy package. The first dose of testosterone must’ve come in that. I wonder if it hurts, giving yourself a shot. I can’t imagine doing that every single week.

Derek’s looking at the package, too. “How you feeling, E? Any achiness yet?”

Eli reaches around and rubs their back. I guess that must’ve been where the shot went in. “A little, yeah. Is it supposed to be making me moody yet?”

Derek laughs. “I don’t know, man. It’s probably pretty soon for that.”

Eli nods. “I figured. So, yeah, I’m still stressing out about tomorrow. Like, a lot.”

“Tomorrow?” I ask.

Derek looks at Eli. “Do you want me to fill T in?”

Eli nods.

“He’s going to tell his parents tomorrow,” Derek says. “They’re getting on video chat at eight in the morning.”

“Jeez, why so early?” I ask.

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