“All I do anymore is drag everything down.”
I can’t tell how much of what I’m saying is the beer and how much is real. Every word feels real, but this can’t possibly all be true, can it?
“Gretchen’s always stuck trying to cheer me up,” I say. “Trying to get me to talk about stuff I don’t know how to talk about. Trying to understand stuff ze can’t understand.”
“Have you explained it? Maybe she can understand.”
“No, Gretchen can’t. And, no offense, neither can you.”
I stop. I don’t have to look at Chris’s face to know I’ve gone too far.
“I’m sorry,” I say, even faster now. “I didn’t mean that you aren’t—”
“I get it, T. Please don’t fall all over yourself trying to apologize. It’s embarrassing.”
Chris exhales and slings an arm across my shoulders. We look out across the Yard at everyone else having the time of their lives. My roommates, Joanna and Felicia, are across from us, messing around with their friends from their a cappella group. They look happier than I’ve ever seen them. Probably because they don’t know I’m in such close proximity.
I heard them talking about me yesterday. I was in my room and they were in the common room, watching The Flighted Ones and getting ready for some party you can’t get into unless your name’s on a list. Once they turned the TV off, I could hear every word they said. They still haven’t figured out how thin the walls are. I have no clue how either of them got into Harvard.
“It’s like, why can’t she just be a lesbian and be done with it?” Felicia asked.
“She’s too cool for that,” Joanna said. “Being a lesbian is boring. Being—whatever she is, that’s the new trendy thing.”
“It’s antifeminist.” Felicia went to one session from a Women, Gender and Sexuality class before she switched to Social Studies. We’ve all been suffering for it ever since. “It’s saying women can’t be strong, so if you want to be strong you have to be a guy.”
“Yeah,” Joanna said. “I can totally see that. Do you think we should tell her or something?”
“Like she’d listen. She’s so full of herself.”
After that I put on my headphones and stayed in my room, working on a paper that wasn’t due until Wednesday for my Expos class. I didn’t even come out to pee until I heard them bang the door closed on their way out.
Usually I just laughed them off, but that conversation stuck with me. Even though obviously everything they said was bull. None of what I’ve been doing has anything to do with trends or being cool. And I’m not full of myself.
Besides, who the hell are they to talk? Joanna gets up at six in the morning to start a ninety-minute hair-care regimen, and Felicia wears designer high heels every day even though they always get caught in the sidewalks. Joanna and Felicia are the ultimate gender conformists. Neither of them has the right to talk about feminism until they stop posting pictures of themselves in bikinis.
“So, here’s the thing, T,” Chris finally says. We’ve been sitting quietly for a long time, but I look back up, glad to have something to focus on other than my roommates. “It sounds to me as if you’re making excuses.”
“Excuses for what?”
“I don’t know. It’s just that your train of thought on this is, to put it mildly, extremely hard to follow, and that’s always a giveaway. Mind if I smoke, by the way?”
“If you what?” Chris pulls out a cigarette while I watch in horror. “You smoke now?”
“Only when I’m stressed.” Chris lights up, inhales and blows out a long string of smoke. I cough. “Like when my friend tells me something completely crazy out of nowhere.”
“You really think I’m that far off base?”
“Maybe...but I think you have to do what you think you have to do.”
“I love Gretchen.” I wish I still had that beer. “I don’t want Gretchen to be with anyone but me.”
“Well, that tells you what you should do, then.”
“I don’t know if it does.” I tug on the back of my hair. Gel comes off on my fingers. I wipe it on the step. “I don’t know if loving someone and not wanting them to be with someone else is enough of a reason to stay. Not when there are other complicating factors.”
“If you love someone, isn’t that the complicating factor?”
“Love doesn’t exist in a vacuum.” I take a breath, forcing myself to go slowly. “Chris, honestly, you should see how awful I’ve been lately. I’m so self-absorbed and bratty. I’ve even lied a couple of times. I used to never, ever lie to Gretchen. I planned this summer internship in England without even asking what ze thought, like a total asshole. It’s as if all I care about anymore is me.”
Chris nods.
“I need to narrow my life down,” I say. “It’s not fair of me to string us both along this way. Gretchen’s bound to meet someone else who will actually be a decent girlfriend.”