“How does it work?” Toni asks. “Taking a break? Do we just not talk until after finals? Or even text?”
We’ve never gone more than a day without talking. Even in high school when Toni was at Sanskrit immersion camp and wasn’t supposed to have any English communication, we texted back and forth in secret all day.
I can handle it, though. I can handle anything if that’s what it takes to be with Toni. Besides, once Toni realizes what a mistake this was, we’ll be right back to talking all the time.
“Yeah, I guess,” I say.
“Do we...go out with other people?”
“Sure.” I have to force myself not to laugh. I can’t imagine ever wanting to go out with anyone else. “Then at Christmas, we’ll see how it went.”
Toni nods slowly.
I slide over until I’m sitting in Toni’s lap. I wrap my arms around T’s waist. T hugs me back.
We sit like that for a long, long time. Then I get up and go over to Toni’s neighbor’s fence. Toni watches me but doesn’t say anything.
I climb the fence and find my necklace hanging from a dogwood tree. I pick it up and climb back over to the other side, but I don’t put it on.
Instead I stand there, knowing Toni’s watching me. I stare down at the charm as if I’ve never seen it before. Then I slide it into my pocket.
I’m never letting go of this again.
Before
AUGUST
SUMMER BEFORE FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE
1 YEAR, 10 MONTHS TOGETHER
GRETCHEN
I put down my phone and picked up the letter again.
I could’ve recited it with my eyes closed by that point. Instead I went over every word on the page one more time.
I wanted to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. That this wasn’t some mistake.
Maybe it would turn out I’d misunderstood. Maybe my life could go on just as I’d planned before I ripped open that purple envelope.
Nope. I wasn’t getting off that easy. The letter still said the same thing it had the first time I read it.
NYU was delighted to offer me a place in its incoming freshman class if I was still interested. Sorry about the wait-list thing.
If I wanted to come, I had to send back the reply form and a deposit check. Postmarked today.
I’d already talked to the Boston University people on the phone. Just dialing the number felt like a betrayal.
They’d been so nice, though. They just said I should let them know what I decided. Their niceness only made me feel worse.
My parents had been way too nice about it, too. They’d lose the deposit they’d already made to BU if I switched, but they said that was all right. The important thing, they said, was that I think, hard, and decide where I really wanted to spend the next four years.
The one person I hadn’t talked to was Toni.
For almost two years, being part of Toni-and-Gretchen was what I did.
I played volleyball. I did homework. I read books and watched movies and hung out with my friends.
I did it all as one half of a whole. I couldn’t imagine being anything else.
I still didn’t know how I’d gotten this lucky. I wasn’t anywhere near as special, as interesting, as Toni. But Toni had stuck with me anyway.
If I put this form in the mail, the shaky grasp I had on happiness would get that much weaker. Would I still be able to hold on?
I needed Toni like I needed to keep breathing. If I was smart, I’d pretend this letter never came.
It was just New York. Just a city. Cities didn’t love you back.
Except. God, I loved New York.
I loved the rhythm of it. The energy. The sense of possibility you got just by stepping outside your door.
I loved NYU, too. I loved the crisp way downtown smelled in the fall. I loved the way the students walked with a certainty in their step. Like there was no question in their minds. They were all exactly where they wanted to be.
Sometimes, when I was walking through the Village, it felt like New York did love me back. It felt like those streets lined with bustling coffee shops and gleaming office buildings and knockoff clothing stores—it felt like they were wrapping their arms around me. Telling me I belonged.
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, crushing the letter to my chest. I’d had it for two days now. Every time I’d seen Toni in those two days, I’d laughed and talked and joked around the same as always. I hadn’t said a word about what the letter said.
If that wasn’t a betrayal, I didn’t know what was.
I uncrumpled the letter and read it again.
We are delighted to offer you a place in the freshman class...
Toni wasn’t the only one who wanted me.
I didn’t always have to be one half of a whole. I could be whole all on my own. Maybe.
I’d never know for sure, though. Not if I went to Boston. Not if I followed Toni’s dream instead of my own.
I felt awful for thinking that. But the thought wouldn’t go away.