His mouth falls open and he just stands there holding his glass. ‘What?’
‘She had a seizure, hit her head and died. She was trying to detox herself. Apparently it’s really dangerous to stop suddenly when you’ve got a chronic, long-standing problem.’
He looks astonished and takes a large slug of wine. ‘The agents are unbelievable – they have got to be the gobbiest firm I think I’ve ever had dealings with.’ He pauses. ‘I can’t believe they told you all of that!’
‘They didn’t. I went to Thrent Avenue. I saw Simon.’
Ed looks at me steadily, and carefully puts down his glass. ‘You went to see him?’
‘Yes. But not like that. All I could think about was his daughter – Cara – and Beth. And I know what it is to lose your mother like that, suddenly and yet not suddenly at all, because you’ve been waiting for it to happen for so long, expecting it almost.’ My voice starts to shake. ‘And it’s partly because of me that Louise had those problems in the first place.’
‘No,’ he says, ‘that’s not true. You didn’t cheat on Louise, Simon did. You didn’t know he was married. Her obsession with you was beyond your control. Her drinking was beyond your control.’
‘I couldn’t stop thinking about Cara, and Beth.’ I try to smile, but my eyes fill with tears.
‘Hey!’ He steps over and wraps his arms round me. ‘I get that you understand Cara’s loss today. Of course I do, it’s complicated for you on so many levels, but you need to step away now, Jess. You can’t help Simon, or Cara. You can’t allow yourself to be drawn back to this any more than you have been already.’
‘You’re right. I know I’ve messed up,’ I confess, pulling back and wiping my eyes. ‘Just before I drove off, I gave Simon some advice on how to help Cara through this, and he thanked me for coming. He said it meant more to him than I knew, and just that was enough to unsettle me. I’m sorry, Ed. I’m sorry that I went there this morning. If I were you I’d be feeling really angry, but I promise you, there is absolutely nothing going on. I have no feelings for Simon like that at all, I just felt so… so…’ I struggle for words. ‘I felt so sad.’
‘It is sad, Jess. What happened to your mum, and Beth – what’s happened to Louise. It is sad – all of it. Don’t worry about going there today. I understand.’
‘I won’t make the same mistake again.’
‘I know you won’t. Come here.’
We just stand there in silence and he holds me tightly.
‘You know what’s really awful?’ I say. ‘My first thought, when the agent told me she’d died, was one of relief.’
‘Well, that’s because she was dangerous, Jess,’ he says. ‘I don’t blame you for feeling like that for one minute.’
I hesitate, and I don’t know what suddenly makes me say it – an instinct perhaps – but I pull back and look at him. ‘You know those calls you were going to make?’
‘Yes, what about them?’
‘They were nothing to do with Louise, were they?’
He looks confused, and then his eyes widen. ‘You think I had something to do with her death?’
‘I think you love me and James very much indeed. And I think you know a lot of people.’
He laughs in disbelief.
‘Ed, look at me. Truth?’
He looks almost angry for a moment. ‘Of course that’s the truth! I’m in sales, not the Kent mafia. I understand you’re very upset, Jess – but keep your feet on the ground, eh? She was a drunk – and a nasty one at that. They never believe it’ll get them – they always think they’re the exception to the rule – but eventually it does. Every choice you make catches up with you in the end. Just be thankful she’s not your problem any more and that we can get on with our lives now.’
* * *
Three weeks later, I’m on Rightmove again, trawling around absently; although, with it being one week until Christmas, I’m not expecting anything of note to have been added and I’m really only supposed to be looking at places to rent now. Hesitating, I add ‘Sold STC’ to my search criteria and, as I scroll through, Thrent Avenue does appear: ‘Under Offer’. So Simon did put it back on, and they are obviously still moving. Well, that’s good. I feel a genuine sense of relief for him and Cara. Wherever they are, I hope they manage to have as peaceful a Christmas as possible, and I hope this really is a new year for both of them.
* * *
During the first week of January, I’m driving through town with James, who is sitting in the back of the car alongside our new French au pair, Sandrine. She’s making animal noises with him, and I’m only half concentrating on the responses he’s offering. Before I realise I’m even doing it, I’ve turned into Thrent Avenue. I start slightly, and sit up a little straighter, determined not to look as we approach the house, but I can’t help myself – even slowing down as we pass by. The ‘Sold’ board is lying in the front garden, which has already been brutally hacked back. Despite the time of year, scaffolding has gone up, there’s a large plastic tent over the roof and a well-known – and expensive – builder’s placard is tied to the railings. The front door is wide open and men are going in and out.
Well, that was quick.
I take one last look before pulling away. Ed’s right; it’s time we all moved on now.
Chapter Fourteen
‘So tell me how the house stuff is going?’ My NCT friend, Natalia, who has come over for an afternoon playdate with her little boy, picks up her mug of coffee and takes a sip.
‘All good.’ I lift crossed fingers. ‘We’re set to exchange on Friday this week and we move into the rental place two weeks after that, then complete a week after that.’
‘Very sensible,’ Natalia nods. ‘I honestly think renting first is the only way to buy these days. I know it’s a faff, but you’ll be able to look for somewhere properly once you’ve sold – and you’ll be in a great position. Plus you’d have been crazy to turn down a cash buyer.’
‘True,’ I agree and take a mouthful of tea just as Sandrine appears in the kitchen doorway clutching a basket of washing, waiting shyly, and tucking her long black hair back behind her ear, as I attempt to swallow quickly. ‘Hi, Sandrine,’ I cough. ‘Sorry, come in. This is my friend, Natalia,’ I gesture across the table ‘and that’s her little boy, Otis.’
‘Hello.’ Sandrine smiles politely, then turns to me. ‘I would like to iron these now, if that’s OK?’
‘That would be brilliant, thank you,’ I say gratefully.
‘No problem. Nice to meet you, Natalia!’
‘Nice to meet you too.’ Natalia smiles, waits until she’s out of earshot, then lets her mouth fall open. ‘Wow. Her English is good given she’s – what – 12?’
‘She’s 18.’
Natalia wrinkles her nose. ‘Really? Well, at least you don’t need to worry about Ed getting a crush on the new hot au pair, I suppose.’
‘Natalia,’ I reprove gently.
‘What?’ Natalia says. ‘Good for her, not feeling like she wants to wear make-up. She’s tiny too; it must be like having another child in the house.’ She sips her coffee and watches James and Otis busy with toys on opposite sides of our playroom. ‘Strange, isn’t it, the way kids just don’t play with each other at this age,’ she remarks. ‘Just alongside each other. Kind of makes you wonder why we bother killing ourselves to take them to playgroups and classes to “interact” really, doesn’t it?’ She pauses and shifts on her chair uncomfortably, her face flushing with embarrassment. ‘I’m sorry, Jess, that was hugely insensitive of me, what I just said about having another child in the house. I didn’t think and then it was out there.’