I look at her in surprise, then realise what she means. ‘Don’t worry about it. Beth would be 22 now anyway – hardly a child. And do you know, Sandrine has actually been here nearly a month already?’ I change the subject. ‘I can’t believe how January is flying past, can you?’
‘I really am sorry,’ Natalia repeats, then hesitates. ‘Can I ask something I have thought before, though? Doesn’t it feel really unsettling to have girls living in the house with you who are pretty much around the age Beth would have been? I’d really struggle with that if I were you.’
Would have been… I’m fond of Natalia, but her complicated personality mix of being highly sensitive to the point of fragility, yet also direct and blunt to a fault doesn’t always make for a relaxed coffee conversation.
I take a deep breath. ‘Well, you remember the first one we had? The Norwegian girl called Berit? If I’m honest: yes, that was tough. She was so sweet, very fair-haired, and lovely to James. I completely underestimated how it would affect me, watching her play with him and realising it should have been Beth. It was ridiculous, now I look back on it. We just thought it would be good to have an extra pair of hands, and some company for me in the house. I don’t know if you remember but when James was born, Ed’s Mum and Dad were busy looking after his sister’s kids a lot because she had just gone back to work; my dad was recovering from a hip replacement… Anyway, it poleaxed me, watching Berit; half seeing Beth, half knowing it wasn’t and couldn’t ever be. Although somehow it was even worse when she had to go home. I was gutted.’
‘I remember. We were all a bit worried about you, to be honest. Me and the other girls I mean.’
‘Were you?’ I’m surprised to hear that. ‘It wasn’t that I felt like I was losing Beth all over again, obviously, more just the sensation of loss itself. I don’t know, I’m not explaining it very well, but I know it was a lot easier when we went on to have Mariana and then Milla—’
‘Was she the greasy Finnish one who kept cakes in her drawers and started “collecting” your jewellery?’
‘Yes,’ I sigh, ‘and then Haduwig.’
‘Ha! Yes. I’d forgotten Headwig. The German one who cried all the time and left after three weeks?’
‘Poor thing. She’d not been away from her home town for more than two nights in her whole life. What was she thinking? Anyway, the point is, I realised I liked it. I like having them around, and helping them to have a nice, safe experience of living in this country. It’s something I can do for them, and they do for me.’
‘And it’s much cheaper than a full-time nanny.’
There’s another pause.
‘Sorry,’ Natalia says again. ‘I didn’t mean to quash that romantic “Heidi goes to England” thing you were building there with my nasty cynical comments. I’ll shut up now.’
‘On the subject of nannies,’ I say firmly, ‘tell me how it’s going with Liza settling in? James – can you let Otis have a go too? Thank you, darling. Good boy.’
‘Great, obviously,’ says Natalia drily, ‘which is why you have the pleasure of my company this fine Tuesday afternoon. She’s back tomorrow, allegedly; although I did almost lose it when she texted to say her osteopath thinks her bad back is exacerbated by picking up children. Three days off ill in your first two weeks is pretty rubbish, by anyone’s standards. Luckily, she’s on a three-month probation – what are we now?’ She picks up her phone and checks the date. ‘It’s January 24th today so I’ve got until… well, effectively the end of April to bin her if she’s still hopeless. That said, she is actually one of the better ones we’ve had in some ways. Fundamentally she’s safe, and she can just about cook. But, my mother-in-law also took great pleasure in telling me that last time she’d seen him, Otis was in a sick-stained T-shirt. He’d puked a bit and Liza hadn’t bothered to get him changed, which made me feel awful. She said she hadn’t realised. How can you not notice a child’s been sick on himself? I suppose that’s the benefit of your set-up though, isn’t it?’ She nods over at my laptop sitting on the side. ‘Although you’re here working, you can keep an eye on Sandrine all the time.’ She hesitates. ‘Is that why you do it like this, Jess – so you don’t ever have to actually leave James on his own?’
I pause. ‘Yes and no,’ I admit. ‘Copy editors always work from home these days anyway, but yes, I like to be around for James in the background. I know it’s not very rational, but I don’t want him to be looked after away from me when he’s still too little to tell me if something’s not right. But, I also need to work, obviously. So it’s the best compromise. I do let them go off to toddler classes, and that sort of thing, on their own, though.’
‘I’m not having a go, just asking.’ Natalia sighs, leans over and pats my hand. ‘I’d go completely mad stuck with Otis 24/7, but I get why you feel you need to do it.’
Beth lingers in the room with us for a moment longer, looking at me with a bright smile, and, as sometimes happens to me – will always happen to me, I think – I find myself randomly on the verge of tears.
‘Anyway, Sandrine is great,’ I force the shakiness from my voice as Natalia lowers her gaze and concentrates on her mug. ‘She just gets on with everything, but that’s probably because she’s got brothers and sisters back at home in Toulouse. I also think it makes a difference that she’s a friend of Helene and a known quantity. I couldn’t believe it when she emailed and asked if we were still looking for a replacement.’
‘You’ve had the luck of the devil.’ Natalia sips her drink again. ‘Plus, of course, no agency fees. So all round, you definitely win. Want to trade my worryingly attractive, back-knackered nanny for your sweet little au pair?’
‘Worryingly attractive?’ I ask, getting myself back on track. ‘You’re not serious, are you?’
‘Nah.’ Natalia shakes her head. ‘Adam knows he can’t afford to leave me. Least of all for the staff. I’ll say one thing for my husband, he has a very acute awareness of the true cost of extramarital flirtations. He had an email from one of his colleagues – a group one to his whole team, mind – and this guy was announcing he’d left his wife and kids. He put “Clare and I remain friends, but will be divorcing, and I’d appreciate it if you’d soft launch this information where appropriate”. It then went on to say: “You may also see me with Susie from Accounts in a social setting, but I’d welcome your discretion at this stage”.’ She snorts derisively. ‘Let’s leave aside that the scumbag actually said “soft launch”. As Adam pointed out, what a—’ she glances over at the boys, ‘silly old sausage, but needless to say, Susie is barely thirty. It might be all “sausages” now, but I’ll bet she’s up the duff by the end of the year. Then he’s right back to square one, only with two sets of school fees and no more sausages for anyone, because you can guarantee Susie won’t be in the mood for so much as a chipolata for the next twenty-odd years. Women like her make me sick. You can’t just pretend that a wife and children aren’t real, you know?’
‘No. You can’t.’ I sip my tea. Natalia is on form today, although of course this time she has no idea that what she’s saying now is so close to the bone it’s scraping.
‘It’s such a cliché. What’s wrong with these girls that they even find the older men attractive in the first place? I mean, Adam’s alright, but he tucks his shirts in his pants; if he makes a joke once, he makes it a thousand times; he’s slightly mooby and incredibly grumpy. Why choose that when you could legitimately have a gym-toned twenty-something? Otis! No! Don’t take that too – you can’t have everything. Give it back; James was playing with the tractor. Susie’s almost a cert to have “daddy issues”, isn’t she?’
‘Maybe she just loves him,’ I say quietly, before jumping up to move James out of Otis’s hitting range.
Natalia wrinkles her nose.