Once Ed and James have gone, I decide, instead, to pop to a coffee shop I particularly like. Partly I just want to get out of the house, but it’s also because when we were all expecting I used to meet the NCT girls here. In fact, when I arrive there is a group of seven girls, heavily pregnant and sitting in the window seat we used to go for, eating cake, drinking tea and laughing together. It’s slightly bittersweet now – given what Natalia did – to watch them for a moment while my hot chocolate with extra marshmallows (Beth would have approved hugely) is made.
* * *
Walking back home afterwards, I think about how scared I was when I first found out I was pregnant with Beth – and even James – but how I know I would choose to have them both all over again in a heartbeat, if I had my time again.
‘You were such a joy and a privilege, my darling,’ I say out loud, as I cross the road back towards the house to start some more packing. ‘And I will always love you.’ I remember suddenly what Ben said at the funeral and add: ‘I love you billions and billions, and that’s a very big number.’
I swallow a lump down in my throat as I open the gate, and then stop in my tracks, covering my mouth with my hand. I must have missed a delivery while I was out.
For there, on the doorstep, half boxed up, with the top wrapped in clear cellophane, sits a single white rose.
The End