I think about the woman on the bike all those years ago. ‘Me neither.’
‘Mostly though, I’m sorry I was so angry with Beth.’ Cara darts an anxious glance at me. ‘From the moment I found out about her, it very quickly became unhealthy and obsessive. I was not well.’ She trails off for a moment. ‘I don’t even remember her… my sister.’ Her voice is small, but I can still hear the echo of loss. ‘I’m just really sorry. For everything.’
‘I forgive you, Cara,’ I say simply.
She raises her eyebrows in surprise, as if it can’t be that easy. ‘Um, thanks.’
There’s a moment of silence before she looks at the counsellor. ‘I think I’d like to go now, if that’s OK?’
‘Of course.’ The counsellor smooths the creases from the front of her trousers and stands up. Uncertain if I’m meant to follow suit, I get to my feet too, and Cara walks quickly past us to the door.
‘Will you stay in touch with me?’ She turns back suddenly. ‘Maybe you could come and see me at my grandparents if you’re coming down to see your dad, or something?’ She nervously balls up the pulled over jumper tightly in her hands.
‘I’d like that,’ I say sincerely, and watch as she slowly releases them. ‘Perhaps someone could call me with the address details just before you leave here, if you still want me to have them, then we’ll sort something out. But no pressure if you change your mind.’
‘Thank you.’ She looks relieved. ‘Thank you for your kindness to me, and your support, Jessica.’
I look at her pale, smooth skin – unable to resist searching for a trace of any similarity to Beth. ‘I want to thank you too, Cara, for everything you said to me about James and letting me enjoy loving him without feeling so afraid all of the time – or guilty. It’s made a real difference, to both of us.’
She hesitates, then suddenly darts forward and gives me an impulsive hug. I can’t help tensing in surprise, and she backs off immediately – her arms must be round me for less than a second. It’s like being embraced by a sprite. Her touch is so light I’m not even entirely sure it happened. I don’t even have the chance to say goodbye before she disappears round the door, and is gone.
* * *
Back in the privacy of my car, I burst into tears. It’s not unexpected; I knew today was going to be challenging. They aren’t tears of sadness as such, more a release of tension. Once I’ve stopped crying, I start the car and begin to pull away from the converted Georgian manor house and manicured gardens. I think about Cara going to live with her grandparents; picturing the kindly – if exhausted – couple I remember seeing at Simon’s funeral. What a thing to bury your daughter, then her husband after his well-publicised suicide, and still be there for your troubled granddaughter. Cara’s right, they are the heroes, not Simon.
I sweep out of the long drive onto the main road, and think about him – the man I met that first evening, bouncing down the steps into the basement bar. How transfixed I was by his confidence and easy charm, how that first kiss promised me the world… I can only assume he was telling me the truth; that it really was coincidence when we all wound up at the same classroom on that first day of the girls’ school term. It would have been an odd lie to maintain in the face of everything else that Cara ultimately exposed, but who really knows? Who knows… He didn’t tell Cara to hurt Beth though, I’m certain of that, at least.
Louise, however? I’m not so sure. A spiteful little push in the playground, an impulse born from the shock of Simon’s betrayal? Maybe. Still, I know she wouldn’t have dreamt that Cara would do it while on a climbing frame. If it even happened at all. It was an accident. I take a deep breath, an accident…
And then, of course, I think of my baby, my girl… her gentle eyes shining up at me, full of unconditional love. I would have wanted someone to go and see her if she’d been alone in that room today, so bravely trying to overcome everything to start again, in spite of the hand she’s been dealt, through absolutely no fault of her own at all.
* * *
Back at the house, once I’ve settled James to sleep – closing my eyes blissfully as he sighs and contentedly twists his fingers in my hair – I come downstairs to find Ed reading the Sunday papers at the kitchen table with a glass of wine waiting for me.
‘I thought maybe the fire, a silly movie and some chocolate might be in order,’ he says, reaching out his arms.
I go and sit on his lap. ‘Ow, get off,’ he yelps instantly. ‘I love you, but you really have got bones of steel. It’s mental, you’re like a female Wolverine.’
I roll my eyes and stand up – he gets to his feet and rubs his leg melodramatically before wrapping his arms round me. ‘That’s better… I’m sorry, you’re just really heavy for someone so slight.’
‘Alright, don’t go on about it.’
He kisses the top of my head gently. ‘Are you OK?’
I sigh. ‘I think so, yes.’
‘Do you want to—’ he begins, then we both glance at my mobile on the table which has lit up and is whirring – ‘talk to Laurel about today?’ he finishes deadpan, and releases me.
‘Sorry.’ I look at him. ‘I ought to pick up. She’ll be worried otherwise.’
‘Sure.’ He lifts his wine. ‘I’ll be in the other room when you’re ready.’
‘Hey, Laurel.’ I say as he walks out of the room. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m OK. I’m only going to be quick; I know you’ll be knackered. I just wanted to check in with you and see how it went?’
‘I’m fine, thank you. I know you were concerned, but it really wasn’t that bad. She was OK. I really think she’s going to be alright this time.’
‘Hmmm,’ Laurel says doubtfully. ‘It’s not really Cara I’m worried about. Do you want to talk about it?’
‘Not really, if that’s OK.’
‘That’s fine. You must be shattered, and you’ve got a big week. Finally moving – yay! New home, new start, my darling.’
‘Thank you.’ I hesitate. ‘I was thinking though, you know we don’t actually move until Friday, don’t you? We’re here until then. In case anyone wanted to know…’ I trail off. ‘You will give Ben my new address too, if he asks for it, won’t you?’ I add suddenly. ‘I mean, I know he’s got this one already, and he won’t ask in any case, but…’
‘Of course I will. If he asks for it.’
‘And he’s got my mobile number and email too, if he ever wanted to talk?’
‘Yes. I gave them to him too.’
There’s a pause, and I take a deep breath. ‘Anyway…’
‘He is OK, Jess,’ she interrupts. ‘He was out at a thing we went to a couple of weeks ago and he was fine. Honestly.’
‘He didn’t mention me?’
‘No, sweetheart. We don’t go there, Jess. Not now.’
‘Right,’ I say. ‘I understand. Look, I’m going to shove off. Like you said – big week. Thanks for checking on me though, and I’ll call you in the morning. Love you.’
‘I love you too, Jess. Sleep well.’
* * *
When Wednesday morning arrives, I sneak an extra ten minutes to lie in bed, and listen to the sounds of Ed getting James up, before going through the shower and appearing in the kitchen to find them both having breakfast.
‘I’ll do the pre-school run this morning,’ Ed says. ‘What have you got planned today?’
‘Nothing,’ I say, forcing a smile. ‘Just work. And more packing.’
‘You don’t want to go down to Chichester to see your dad?’ Ed asks doubtfully. ‘I could pick James up too, if you could be back by half three?’
I hesitate. ‘I’ve asked Laurel to take Beth’s flowers to the church this morning, just because we’ve got so much to get sorted for Friday.’
‘You don’t want to – I don’t know – share today with someone who knew Beth?’
In truth, yes, I do. It’s her eighteenth anniversary and I feel lonely alongside that knowledge. It feels wrong and weird that it’s just me now; as if I’ve cost Beth all over again, as well as Ben. And I can’t even bear to think about how Ben must be feeling today. I wish I could call him. But I know I can’t.
* * *