‘I’m not saying that makes it acceptable,’ I say quickly, returning to my seat. ‘Not if he’s married. Never if you know he’s married. I can’t imagine the humiliation of your husband “soft launching” your separation to his work colleagues. It would be excruciating.’
‘I’d go and find Susie from Accounts if it were me. I’d take Otis, make her look at him and see the consequences of her actions.’
‘Really? It’d be her you’d blame? Not Adam?’
‘I’d feel betrayed by him, yes, but it’d be her I’d want to hurt. We all know marriage can be tough and there are moments of weakness – but a single person exploiting that and becoming involved with someone who is married is indefensible, male or female.’ She takes a casual sip of her drink. ‘The bloke my sister-in-law worked with outright targeted her, even though he knew she had a family, and now my brother is the poor—’ she glances at the kids and spells out, ‘b-a-s-t-a-r-d visiting his kids every other weekend, and listening to them crying down the phone asking when he’s coming back. Yes, I hate her, but if I saw that man who promised her the world and is already cooling off faster than you can say “turns out I don’t want family life after all”, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.’
* * *
I’m sat at the kitchen table again, only this time with a glass of wine while trying to work, when Ed arrives home.
‘Everything alright?’ he asks, coming over to me and dropping a kiss on my head. ‘Rough day? It’s not like you to be drinking on a week night while editing? Shit, there’s not a problem with the house, is there?’
‘No, that’s fine, still on track for Friday. I’m OK. Just tired.’
He looks relieved, but says: ‘Sure? You look like it might be more than that?’
‘I can’t concentrate. I’ve been thinking about Louise Strallen again.’
He looks dismayed, like he wishes he hadn’t asked. ‘Really?’
‘It was something Natalia said earlier about a bloke Adam knows, who’s having an affair with a younger woman.’
Ed sighs, and sits down.
‘She said if it were her, she’d go over and have it out with this girl, and I suppose it got me wondering. Was it really that mad of Louise to confront me the way she did, all those years ago? Would I really have behaved any differently in her shoes, given what she’d discovered? Aren’t we all just one step away from madness?’ I decide to give up on work and shut the laptop lid.
‘How much of that have you had?’ Ed nods at the bottle and gets up again. ‘Louise threatened to knife you. She was off her trolley.’ He yawns. ‘What are we doing for dinner?’
‘Oh, hello!’ I ignore him as, to my surprise, Sandrine comes into the room clutching a small pile of James’s dirty washing, en route to the utility room. ‘I thought you’d finished ages ago. Aren’t you going to meet your friend?’
‘I will leave now,’ she says quickly. ‘I just found this and thought I would put this in the basket. Hello, Ed.’
‘Hi, Sandrine.’ He looks up briefly from digging around in the freezer and gives her a little wave. She smiles, waves back, then turns to me: ‘Your phone was on top of it, Jessica.’ She holds it aloft. ‘I thought you would want it.’
‘Oh, thank you – yes, I don’t want to wash that by mistake, been there done that.’ I reach out for it and slide it onto the table next to me. ‘Talking of phones, you’ll remember to text me if you get held up and you can’t be back by eleven?’
‘Of course. But I will be back for sure. Good night!’
‘’Night, Sandrine, have fun.’
Ed re-emerges and waits tiredly until she’s left the room before asking: ‘I thought the curfew was eleven on a week day?’
‘It is.’
‘So just say that then.’
‘My way is a bit more polite. Why, do you think I should be more like Natalia?’ I pick up my wine again, take a large mouthful, and then put it back down. Ed hastens over and moves my phone out of the way as some of the liquid slops over the side of the glass. ‘I was halfway through telling you how she was her usual direct self today, wasn’t I? I wouldn’t call Natalia diplomatic at the best of times, but today there were several points where she really should have just engaged her brain and thought about what she was about to say. In the space of about five minutes she covered us being cheap for getting an au pair, told me she thought I was crazy for staying at home all the time with James while Sandrine is here, even though she got “why” I do it, then she told me all women who fall for older men have daddy issues, and then announced becoming involved with someone who is married makes you solely responsible for destroying a family. I honestly think she has no idea how aggressive and judgemental she sounds sometimes, and’ – I remember her remark about Adam not having affairs with ‘the staff’ – ‘actually pretty snotty occasionally too. It’s not just me that thinks she’s borderline offensive either, the other girls have all said it… I mean, people can’t help who they fall in love with.’
Ed looks at me meditatively. ‘She’s really upset your apple cart, hasn’t she?’
‘Not as much as I’d have upset hers if I’d have told her I was once Susie from Accounts, and not only did my daughter’s married teacher get me pregnant, I lied to my husband about whose baby it was, only for the wife to find out the truth… Da Da DAAAA.’ I mimic cliffhanger music and take another enormous mouthful of wine. ‘She’d probably never speak to me again.’
Before Ed has a chance to ask, ‘Who’s Susie from accounts?’, the door opens to reveal Sandrine in her coat, a scarf wrapped tightly round her neck. For a second I think she still hasn’t left, and am about to ask her if there’s any point in going at all, but notice that in fact her cheeks are flushed with cold, and she has a terrified expression on her face.
I straighten up immediately. ‘Are you alright?’
She shakes her head. ‘No. I was gone and er…’ She struggles to find the words; she’s visibly frightened. ‘I had gone,’ she corrects herself. ‘I walked up the road and someone is following me.’
‘What? Just now?’
‘Yes – pushing a bicycle. They were standing outside the house. I think they are waiting for someone next door maybe, so I walk off, but then I turn around because I hear them, and they are – boom – right there,’ she holds her palm right up to her face, ‘breathing on me.’
Ed doesn’t wait to hear any more. He steps smartly round the table and out of the room. We both hear the front door open as I hasten over to Sandrine and take her hand. She is trembling wildly and looks like she’s about to cry. ‘Did they hurt you, Sandrine?’
She shakes her head again. ‘They tell me that God loves me, and then they are gone.’
I slam instantly back into the cold morning of seventeen years ago, like a lift lurching sideways and opening on the wrong floor. The woman on the bicycle is stood in front of me, looking earnestly at Beth playing on the grass. I drop Sandrine’s hand and step back. ‘“God loves you”? You’re sure that’s what she said? And you think she was watching the house?’
She shakes her head. ‘I don’t know if it was a woman or man; they have a jacket with a…’ she mimes pulling a hood up ‘and this…’ she lifts the edge of her scarf, ‘on their face. They say God loves me then they leave. Who are they? What do they mean?’
But I, too, am now rushing from the room. I run up the hallway and out onto the pavement in my socks, my breath clouding in the dark around me.
Ed is walking back down the middle of the quiet road, panting slightly, and throws his arms up. ‘No one here. They must have ridden off.’
‘Sandrine wasn’t sure if it was a man or woman,’ I tell him urgently. ‘They got right up close and said God loves her.’
Ed pulls a face. ‘What?’
‘Don’t you understand? That’s exactly what that woman on a bicycle said to me about Beth the morning she died. You’re absolutely sure you didn’t see anyone?’ I push past him and take a few more steps out into the road.