‘No. I…’ Alicia’s voice caught wretchedly in her throat. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘So you said.’ Justin breathed in hard. ‘Just tell me one thing, Alicia. Was he worth it? Was he worth this?’
Alicia didn’t answer. Justin guessed from her choking sobs that she couldn’t. ‘I have to go. I have to find my daughter,’ he spat. He simply didn’t have it in him to be anything but angry. It was too late for apologies – way too late. The cold, hard fact was that her deceit had led to this. If he didn’t find her tonight… anything could happen by morning. He might never find her. That thought slicing through him like a knife, Justin cut the call, started the engine and screeched the car out of the drive.
Twenty-Six
JESSICA
‘Ali?’ Jessica said tentatively, walking to where Alicia stood motionless in the hall.
‘He hung up.’ Alicia looked tearfully down at her phone. ‘I’ve destroyed him. Destroyed my whole family.’
‘Come on, Ali. Tears won’t help anything. Let’s go and sit down and think about what to do – calmly.’ Sliding an arm around her sister, Jessica attempted to lead her towards the kitchen. She decided not to point out that Alicia wasn’t the only one feeling terrible right now. Alicia might have brought this on herself, but Sophie had done nothing to deserve this. Justin definitely hadn’t, and he’d no doubt be feeling awful. She would ring him, Jessica decided, as soon as she could. The poor man would be gutted, thinking he hadn’t got a soul in the world to talk to.
‘He’ll call back,’ she tried to reassure Alicia. And he probably would, because that’s the kind of man he was: caring. ‘He’s bound to be shocked and upset. You need to give him some time, Ali. It’s an awful lot to take in.’
‘He hates me! He has every reason to. I lied to him, Jess, about the most important thing in his life! Even knowing he might find out, I kept on lying to him.’
‘I know.’ Jessica nodded sympathetically. ‘I did warn you what might happen, but you were so adamant. You know, sometimes the biggest lie of all is the lie we tell to ourselves, sweetheart.’ She sighed sadly, aware of her own propensity to do just that.
She’d lied to herself for years, telling herself Michael, the would-have-been father of her children, had they survived, wasn’t a complete misogynist. He was – a controlling, self-centred woman-hater. He hadn’t liked her friends, hadn’t wanted her to meet his friends, the way she’d dressed, the things she’d said whenever they were in company. He clearly hadn’t liked her very much in the end, as proven by the fact that he’d walked out on her when she’d realised she was miscarrying – again. She must have been mad, and obviously attracted to bastards. She hadn’t known any man that wasn’t a bastard in some form, apart from Justin.
She wished she’d spotted him before Alicia had called first dibs on him. She and Alicia had been working for the same company then, alongside Paul Radley. In fact, it was Jessica putting in a word for her that had got Alicia the job. In gratitude for which, Alicia had nabbed the only decent man for miles from right under her nose. Justin had been coming out of a seminar at the same venue in which they were holding their sales conference, and had walked right into her. They’d practically fallen into each other’s arms, and that had been that. Jessica wouldn’t have ended up with the misogynist if he’d walked into her first, and Justin wouldn’t have ended up with his heart broken. But, of course, in falling into Alicia, Justin had fallen for her. It had been obvious that he was immediately smitten by her rosy blushes and self-effacing apologies. Alicia, with her complete inability to see her own attractions – to see that her shyness obviously was an attraction – had wondered what the handsome young doctor saw in her. Jessica couldn’t help thinking that Justin might be asking himself the same question right now.
Alicia wiped a hand across her eyes. She really did look wretched. Jessica doubted she’d had a wink of sleep since Paul Radley had turned up, and this was without losing dear little Lucas. She couldn’t help but feel for her.
‘Convincing myself I was doing it for Justin you mean.’ Alicia clearly got the gist, another crop of tears spilling from her eyes. ‘He’d been wounded and broken and lost, and I made it my excuse to tear his heart out. He will never, ever forgive me. How can he? And Sophie… Dear God, Sophie.’
‘You did it for the right reasons, sweetie.’ Jessica assured her, stepping in front of her and taking hold of her hands. ‘He’ll call back.’ She locked her eyes on hers. ‘Whatever he feels about you, he loves Sophie, Alicia. He’ll be there for her. You know he will.’
Alicia nodded, squeezing her eyes closed. ‘I know. But that’s what makes it so cruel, don’t you see? He would have loved her anyway, if only I’d found the courage to tell him, been honest from the outset and given him a chance.’
‘Possibly,’ Jessica conceded, though he would have to be a saint to have stayed with her, in reality. It wouldn’t be easy for any man to accept his wife might be carrying another man’s baby, even someone as family-orientated as Justin, and that was obviously Alicia’s real reason for not telling him. She should have been honest with herself and with him, given him a chance at another relationship, if that’s what he’d wanted. ‘We can’t undo history, though, can we, sadly?’
Alicia glanced upwards. ‘I wish to God I’d listened to you.’ A shudder ran through her. I might as well have taken a knife to his heart.’
‘You’re being too hard on yourself. He will be hurting. Of course he will. But you know him well enough to know his thoughts will be on Sophie,’ Jessica repeated firmly. ‘Let him concentrate his efforts on finding her. It’s better he’s focussed on that.’
Shakily, Alicia nodded. ‘You’re right,’ she said, making a visible effort to stem her tears. ‘There’s no point trying to offer him explanations – not now. He won’t want to hear them.’
‘Just give him some time,’ Jessica said, giving her a hug and finally managing to lead her to the kitchen. ‘Do you have any idea where she might be?’
‘Thankfully.’ Alicia nodded, running a hand under her nose. ‘Chloe rang him at home. Sophie spoke to her, apparently. She probably felt she had no one else to turn to.’
Including her. Jessica felt sad and angry about that. She would never wish any harm on her niece. She’d been put in an impossible situation. Sworn to keep Alicia’s secret for her, she’d lost the trust of people that mattered to her, too. One day, when she was less fragile, Jessica really needed to point that out to her sister.
‘That’s probably where she is then,’ she said reassuringly, pointing Alicia towards the kitchen table and making sure she sat down. She looked very wobbly on her feet – unsurprising, given the shock she’d had. ‘Don’t worry too much, Ali. She might not want to come home right away, but Justin will make sure she’s okay.’
‘But what if she’s not at Chloe’s?’ Alicia looked fearfully up at her. ‘What then?’
‘Then we start ringing around anyone else she might know. We’ll find her, Alicia,’ Jessica said adamantly.
‘But what if we don’t?’
Noting the look in Alicia’s eyes now was one of palpable terror, Jessica felt icy trepidation sweep the length of her spine. She wouldn’t wish that on her. On poor Justin. She needed to ring him, as soon as possible. Make sure he knew that she’d been absolutely sworn to secrecy. She couldn’t bear the thought of him being angry with her, thinking she’d condoned Alicia’s behaviour.
Twenty-Seven
JUSTIN