‘How’s your wife, Zach? And the little one?’
He smiles. ‘Mia’s great. And Freya, well, she’s certainly got a lot of spirit.’
That’s it. Nothing is ever going to change here. ‘Well, it’s great that we’ve had this chat, but I really need to go now. So, see you at uni.’ I start to walk off, but he grabs my arm.
‘I’m jealous, okay? I’m fucking jealous, Josie, and it’s messing me up. Screwing with my head. I love my family, I really love my life, so why the fuck am I jealous of you being with Craig?’
His words stun me into silence, and he, too, seems shocked that he’s said them. But they are out there now and can’t be taken back. He can never unsay what he’s just admitted to me.
‘Oh, Josie, shit! I’m so sorry, I had no right to say that to you.’ He clutches his head. ‘Please, forget I said it.’
But I can’t; I never will. Because he’s just confirmed, finally, unequivocally, that what I’ve been feeling hasn’t been futile. It hasn’t just been some childish infatuation, this has been real. I am not some silly girl with a crush on her lecturer, I have felt this way about Zach because he has too.
A young couple holding hands walks past, so he lowers his voice. ‘I know this is crazy, but I do really love my wife, and I’d never do anything to hurt her. But inside, I have all these… these feelings – and I just have to try and crush them. They’re dangerous, Josie. For everyone. But I can do it, I can carry on and not act on anything because it’s the right thing to do. Oh God, I’m so sorry.’
‘Will you stop apologising? You practically told me all of this already, that night at my flat.’
He shakes his head. ‘But I never said it out loud. Saying it brings it to life, makes it into something harmful, and I was trying not to do that. In all honesty, I didn’t plan to tell you just now. I suppose I just wanted to know you’re okay, and that Craig’s being good to you.’
‘I don’t need protecting, Zach. I’ve done a pretty good job of looking after myself all these years.’
‘Yeah, Little Miss Tough Nut, you certainly have.’ He pats my arm to show me he’s saying this affectionately. ‘And I know you’ll be okay, but that doesn’t stop me worrying. Or caring.’
‘Zach, you’d better go. Go home to your wife and your little girl. I think we’ve said all we need to say here. But I promise you, I’m doing okay. And Craig, he’s a good guy.’
Seconds pass before Zach speaks again and in that time he studies my face, as if he’s taking one last look at me, as if he’ll never see me again. ‘I’m glad to hear that, Josie. I just want you to be happy.’
‘Goodbye, Zach.’
I watch him walk away, and feel as though my insides are being torn apart, shredded into a thousand tiny pieces.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mia
* * *
I don’t tell Will that Alison was standing outside our bedroom door last night – it will only add to his bad feeling about her. And I can’t just accuse her, in case I’m somehow mistaken; I don’t know what she’s up to, but I can’t trust her and I can’t let her leave before I find out why she’s really here. Instead, I will deal with it my way.
She was in Josie’s flat the night she disappeared, so there’s every chance she knows something about what happened to her. And why is she so convinced it wasn’t Zach, when the only evidence she has is a photo that’s now disappeared? The only thing I’m sure of is that Alison is hiding something, but I have no idea how I’ll find out what that is. I will just have to keep waiting and watching her. Sooner or later, if she knows something, she will slip up.
Once again Alison is awake and in the living room when I go downstairs, even though it’s not yet 6 a.m. She’s studying her phone, just as she was the last time I came down and found her here.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ she says, before I’ve even greeted her. ‘Sorry you have to keep putting up with me being here when you come down in the morning. I just get a bit claustrophobic and can’t stay in my room too long. It’s nothing to do with your house, please don’t think that, it’s just me.’
But I barely hear her words; my mind is too busy picturing her shadow outside my bedroom door, how she must have heard Will’s heavy breathing, the words he spoke to me. This is not the first time she’s made me shudder.
If Alison knows I saw her watching us then she certainly doesn’t act like it.
‘I heard you walking around last night. You couldn’t have got much sleep at all,’ I observe.
She doesn’t flinch. ‘Yeah, sorry if I kept you up, I was a bit restless. It’s all this change, it’s thrown me off course a bit.’ She glances into the hall. ‘Has Will gone home?’
‘No, he’s still asleep.’ I keep my voice low. ‘Weekends are his only chance to have a lie-in. Anyway, before he wakes up, can we have a quick chat?’
She smiles, but it’s too forced, and when she speaks her voice is too loud. ‘Of course. Is something wrong?’
How can she ask this, when we both know that everything’s wrong? ‘No, I just wanted to let you know I’ve been looking online and have found some flats you could rent. They’re not in Ealing or Finchley, as I thought you probably didn’t want to be that close to Dominic, and it might be good to distance yourself from the past.’
She looks at me, her face blank. ‘Um, yeah, that’s probably best. I hadn’t really thought about what area I should live in. Ealing was home to me for a long time before we moved to East Finchley, and I don’t really know the rest of London that well.’ She stares at her nails. ‘But you’re right. It’s probably a good idea not to stay around here.’
‘Anyway, there are a couple of flats in Fulham and I looked at Hammersmith and Putney too. If you like any, I’ll come with you to view them. We could make some calls today. I think you’ll find at least one you like, Alison.’
She shrugs. ‘There’s no point putting it off, I suppose. Okay, can you email me the links? I know you’ll have found me some decent places to look at.’
I get straight on my phone and send her all the property information I’ve gathered, waiting to hear her phone ping with an email alert. But after a few seconds there’s nothing but silence. I stare at the phone in her hand.
‘Oh, I must have it on silent,’ she says. ‘I keep doing that by accident.’ She taps her phone a few times. ‘There, got it. Thanks. I’ll have a look in a bit.’
‘Have you heard from Dominic again?’ I ask, wondering exactly what she was doing on her phone.
‘No, not since yesterday morning. It’s a bit weird actually – his silence makes me feel even more on edge.’
‘Maybe he’s actually listening to the police and leaving you alone?’
‘Hmmm, maybe. But that’s not his style. He doesn’t like being told what to do… By anyone.’
‘But I’m sure he doesn’t want to end up in prison, Alison.’
‘No. No, he wouldn’t, would he? Even if it’s where he belongs.’
I ignore what she’s just said because it will only lead to another conversation about me helping her find proof of Dominic’s guilt. ‘Well, you should think about changing your mobile number. That reminds me, there’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about. There’s a support group that meets every Wednesday and I think it might really help you if you went along. You don’t have to book in or anything – just turn up. I’ll even come with you if you like. They’re really nice people who run it, Alison, and everyone who goes is in the same situation as you. They know what you’re going through, and they can help you, probably more than I can.’
There are tears in her eyes as she answers. ‘I doubt anyone can help me more than you, but thank you, Mia. You’re being so good to me, I really don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you enough.’