Her words seem so heartfelt that I want desperately to believe her. But I won’t allow myself to be misled. ‘The only thanks I want is for you to keep up the strength to stay away from Dominic. And to get your life back on track. I don’t need anything more than that.’
‘I won’t let you down,’ Alison says. She studies my face for a moment and I can tell she’s thinking carefully about what she’ll say next. ‘You’re such a selfless person, Mia. It’s not easy to always put other people first. It almost makes me ashamed of myself.’
I am struck by her choice of word. ‘Ashamed? Why?’
She hesitates for a moment. ‘Because of the way I treated Josie.’ Her eyes flick to the ceiling. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I was hardly a bully – and believe me, Josie wasn’t the type to take any shit from anyone – but I just wasn’t nice to her. Ever. And, I don’t know, maybe things would have turned out differently if I’d just been a bit kinder.’
Although I’m surprised she’s opening up like this, it’s a good sign. She’s being more talkative now and that’s bound to reveal something she might not want to, sooner or later. ‘I don’t think it would have made any difference,’ I say. ‘Josie still would have met Zach and…’
‘Like I said before, I really believed what he said to me. I’m not sure anything ever happened between them.’
I think carefully about whether to probe further but decide I’ve got nothing to lose. ‘Did you ever see them together?’
‘Mia, are you sure you want to talk about this? I thought you wanted to leave the past where it is.’
‘I do, but there are just so many gaps in the information I have, it’s helpful to have them filled in. It helps to lay things to rest.’
Alison seems to consider this carefully before answering. ‘Okay. If you’re sure. He was at the flat another time. I mean, there could have been more times, but I only saw him there once, in addition to the night that, you know… Anyway, neither of them knew I was there.’
The familiar bubble of nausea grows inside me. ‘What were they doing?’
‘Oh, nothing unusual. Just talking. But I have to admit that at the time I thought it was a bit dodgy. There weren’t many lecturers who made house calls, but then again quite a few were on friendly terms with the students. It’s a bit different when you’re all adults, isn’t it? And Zach wasn’t exactly old.’
‘Thirty-five,’ I say. But it was still inappropriate. Josie was Zach’s student and he had a duty to keep his distance from her. Why, Zach? Why did you risk everything for this girl? I’ve spent so many sleepless nights wrestling with this question but I’ve never been able to come close to an answer. As far as I can see he had everything he could need and more. But it’s never that simple, is it? Yes, she was attractive, but Zach was above superficiality. So what was it about her he found so fascinating? This is what I need to find out from Alison, and I have limited time to do it.
‘What was she like?’ I ask. ‘I know you didn’t like her, but what kind of person was she?’
Again Alison gives me that look: the one that says she doesn’t know how much to tell me. ‘She was… strong, I guess. Nothing got to her; it was as if everything that happened just bounced straight off her. I know she’d been through a lot with her family, but it must have just made her even tougher. She was stubborn, a fighter.’ She looks at the floor. ‘All the things I wish I’d been. Still wish I was.’
I don’t answer.
‘I know what you’re thinking. Of course Zach must have been attracted to her when she was such a strong person, and beautiful too.’
‘I… I don’t know what I’m thinking.’ I stand up and walk to the window, turning my back on Alison, doing all I can, other than leaving the room, to avoid picturing the girl my husband fell for.
‘But she was also deeply flawed,’ Alison continues. ‘She drank like a fish and despite fooling the world into thinking she was okay with her hideous mother, it must have torn her apart inside.’
I turn round again. ‘Alison, what do you think happened to her?’
She sighs. ‘I wish I knew. I know she must be dead but I don’t think it was your husband, I really don’t. Surely you believe that? You knew him better than anyone.’
But how well do we ever know anyone? ‘Sometimes we just can’t see what people are truly capable of, Alison.’
‘So what do you think happened then?’
I’ve had a long time to think about this. ‘I think Zach got caught up in something and regretted it in the end. Maybe Josie was threatening to tell me and he… he lost control. He realised what he was about to lose.’
‘That’s possible. But it doesn’t explain the photo of Josie on Dominic’s computer. I’m telling you, Mia, he did something to her. I know it.’ She begins chewing her nail, something I’ve never noticed her doing before. ‘I need to go back to the house. When he’s not there. To check his computer again.’
There are so many reasons why this is a terrible idea, but I know before I speak it will be hard to convince her not to do it. ‘You can’t, Alison. It’s too risky. He knows you’ve been to the police now, so if he finds you there imagine how he might react. Also, think about this: he could claim that you put the photo there and then the police will start looking at you. And isn’t that the main reason you’ve not come forward about being in the flat that night?’
She stares at me and I swell up with guilt. I don’t mean to frighten her, but she needs to stay away from that man and I’ve got to do what I can to help her do that.
‘I could never have hurt Josie,’ she says, but her words are flat. ‘You believe me, don’t you?’
But do I? I don’t know what she is or isn’t capable of, even though I intend to find out. ‘Alison, all that matters right now is keeping you safe and finding you somewhere to live.’
‘You think I’m lying about Zach, don’t you? That’s why you’re not desperate to pursue anything. You just don’t believe a word I’m saying!’ She’s raising her voice now, loud enough to wake Will.
‘Please keep your voice down – I don’t want Will dragged into this.’ I lower my voice so that hopefully she’ll do the same. And then I find myself explaining once again why I need firm evidence before I will allow myself to get my hopes up. But it seems she will never understand that I’ve spent too long believing Zach was guilty, that I’ve come to terms with it, that it will only be self-destructive to believe otherwise, unless there is proof. ‘It will be the police who find it, if there ever is anything to find, Alison. Not us.’
She stares at me for so long I feel as if her eyes are burning into me. Even though none of this should be a shock to her when I’ve said it all before. Then finally she responds. ‘I suppose it’s the counsellor in you that makes you feel this way,’ she says. ‘You’re not reacting with your heart, are you? You’re just letting your brain dictate how you feel.’
I force myself to remain calm – Alison is extremely troubled, so I can’t tip her over the edge. ‘You’re probably right. But my priorities are Freya and Will, and they come before anything else. I’m not going to do anything that could hurt them.’
‘Hurt who?’ Will’s voice echoes into the room as he appears in the doorway.
‘We were just talking about my partner… Dominic. Sorry if we woke you,’ says Alison, jumping in before I’ve even formed an excuse to offer him.
‘I did hear voices, but don’t worry, I needed to get up anyway.’ His wink assures me that he couldn’t have heard what we were talking about. ‘I’m starving. Have you both had breakfast?’
Alison shakes her head. ‘It’s too early for me.’
‘No, I won’t yet,’ I say. ‘I’ve got some paperwork I want to catch up on first.’
Will frowns but doesn’t question me, and when he heads off to the kitchen I turn to Alison. ‘Promise me you won’t go to your house?’
She nods. ‘He’ll be at home today. He never leaves the house on Saturdays, all he does is sit in front of the football.’
‘Just stay here and relax. You could sit outside in the back garden and have some peace. Have a look at those flats I sent you and we can go and see some this afternoon.’
‘Okay,’ she says, already flicking through her phone. ‘Hope you have a productive morning.’