My brothers moved my stuff into the small house with Carrie. I thought that was good. Yet, now that we’re here together, basically living together as a couple? It feels anything but good. It feels like the walls are holding me in? How fucked up is it to want someone, but panic constantly once you have them. I can’t even understand my own mind these days.
I think I’m doing better at hiding my reactions from Carrie. I don’t want to hurt her and the thought of her leaving me, sends me into a deeper panic. My brain feels like it never shuts off anymore. I didn’t mind playing house when I thought Bull would be here. I liked the idea of flaunting Carrie’s need for me in my brother’s face. It gives me a perverse thrill. Only, Bull isn’t here. So for the last week I’ve found myself playing house with a woman I want in my bed, but afraid to touch. We’re living some kind of sad, perverse, platonic relationship. Something is going to have to give soon, I realize it.
I should walk away, a huge part of me is even demanding it. My brain just keeps playing Russian roulette with my memories and sooner or later the wrong one will escape and take…everything.
I’ve been sitting in my room for the last hour, alone, listening to the silence and hating every last minute of it. I lied to Carrie and told her I had a headache. She thinks I’m just turning in early. Lying to her is so easy. I guess because I do it daily. She thinks I’m seeing a therapist the hospital set me up with. I’m not. She thinks I’m suffering from side effects of almost drowning, I’m not. The list goes on and on. The biggest lie of all is that I’m just not able to make love with her. That’s what she calls it, making love. I do not do love. I have sex. Sex that is down and dirty, hard and raw, and not made for a virgin.
I was stupid thinking I could do this. I can’t. I am not what Carrie needs. It is time I face the facts, as much as I want Carrie, I will never be the type of man she needs or wants.
Decision made I walk in the living room, intent on going out finding a bottle and maybe pussy. I haven’t gone this long without pussy since I got out of hell. This is the best decision for all of us. Carrie needs more than I can give her.
I find her lying on the sofa, sound asleep.
“Jacob?” She questions, her voice full of sleep and sounding so fucking sweet my teeth hurt.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?” She asks with a yawn sitting up. I watch as she yawns again and subtly shifts her body in a stretch. My dick instantly stands up and takes notice. Son of a bitch.
“Thinking about heading down to the club for a beer,” I say and it’s the truth absolutely, I’m just not mentioning what else I’ll be looking for when I get there.
This strange looks comes over Carrie’s face. Her green eyes flash at me and her face pales. Apparently I didn’t need to tell her what else I’d be looking for, I’m getting the impression she definitely knows.
“I see,” she says quietly, not looking at me.
I swallow the excuses that want breath. I resent that I’m feeling guilty about going out and getting laid. When did I become a man who answers to a woman I haven’t even had my hands on in a week?
“Where are you going?” I ask when she walks from the room.
She doesn’t answer. I follow her into her bedroom. I watch as she goes to the closet and pulls out a duffle bag. Placing it on the bed, she takes clothes from the old wooden chest across from the bed and puts them in it.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask and I’m trying to ignore the panic that I feel.
“I’m going to leave.”
This should make me feel better right? It doesn’t. Fuck, it fills me with terror.
“You can’t. Drag said someone was trying to kill you.”
“Haven’t heard anything in way over a couple of months. I can’t keep putting my life on hold. I’m going to move in with my friend Tammie. No one knows her, I doubt whoever it is will find me.”
“I’ve never met a Tammie,” I say trying to breathe because it feels like my heart is beating so fast I’m going to stroke out.
“That’s because she lives in another state.”
Just like that, the panic increases. Carrie moving out is bad. Carrie somewhere I don’t know? Carrie somewhere without protection? Oh hell no. No. Just, no.
“Since we have no idea who the hell is after you, you could be playing right into their hands,” I say trying to direct the conversation back to why she shouldn’t leave.
“Yeah well, living like this isn’t changing anything either and I’m tired.”
I walk over and dump her clothes back on the bed, because with each thing she adds I feel fear course through me stronger. She can’t go.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” She asks and the anger in her voice is sexy. Fuck, it is sexy as hell.
“You’re not leaving.”
She’s not. Fuck, I can’t handle this. I need to call Dragon. He’ll talk some sense into her. I have no idea how to deal with women.
“I am. I don’t know what kind of game you are playing, but I’m done.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play stupid Jacob, I might be younger than you, but I’m not an idiot.”
“I have no idea…”