She still has hold of my hand, but now I can feel her fingers feather gently across my face. How long has it been since someone has touched me in a way that I can tell they care? Carrie touched me that night two years ago. Her hand had gently touched my face, much like now. She had looked at me with those damn green eyes of hers, so full of dreams and told me she loved me. I can still remember the panic I felt. Hell, I feel it now.
Maybe if I have Carrie, the darkness won’t swallow me. Maybe if I let her, she could save me. Because, I’m dying a little more every damned day. Inside I’m rotting away and I can’t stop it. I’m desperate, and when her hands are on me, it’s the first time I’ve been able to draw a breath that feels even half way clean.
Can she take away all of the darkness?
Sleep begins to drag me back under. I want to fight it, but I’m just too tired. I concentrate on Carrie’s touch. If she’s here, maybe the nightmares will stay away.
Chapter 11
Carrie
My fingers move over Jacob’s face, tracing the cuts and scrapes that mar his beauty. He seems to be resting better now. Was it my imagination that I felt his hand weakly squeeze mine?
“Carrie, you might hear…well there are just things that Dancer might say while he’s sleeping that he would not want you to hear,” Dragon says.
I swallow. He wouldn’t want Dragon to hear it either.
“I already know,” I whisper the words like a guilty secret. I check Jacob over trying to find everywhere he has been hurt. I’m not doing it stay busy. The fact that Dragon knows Jacob’s secret has rattled me. I haven’t given myself time to process it yet. Dragon and I discussing it now seems like I’m betraying Jacob somehow.
I move his gown to the side and find an ugly scar on Jacob’s side. It is old, there’s no way it came from the accident. It’s healed over and ugly to look at. It’s at least a couple of months old… maybe more.
I bite my lip, but not before a whimper of noise escapes. Jacob has endured so much pain. I close my eyes and try to get control. I cover him back up. It’s another secret that Jacob should be allowed to keep. Another secret, that Jacob would hate Dragon or me knowing.
“Did he tell you?” Dragon asks, and I sigh. It would be easier if he had. I’d feel less like I am trespassing where I shouldn’t.
“No, I found out like you did. You heard him in his sleep right?” I add when I worry about if he’ll get mad if he knows Nicole told me. She trusted me, I owe her.
Dragon nods once, “Some demons haunt the loudest when we can’t fight them.”
“Amen.”
“You need to get home to Nicole. Let me stay with Jacob.”
“I don’t think…”
“If nothing else Dragon, it will give him someone to direct all his rage on.”
Dragon walks towards the door.
He has almost left the room when he stops and asks, “You care for my brother?”
“I love him. I always have.”
“Being lost doesn’t make you weak.”
“I never thought it did.”
“The strongest motherfucker still gets tired,” he adds.
My heart feels like a tight fist has grabbed it and is slowly choking the life out of me.
“You’ll get them?” I ask, knowing he will understand. If he isn’t planning on it, so help me God, I will find some way to do it myself.
“Every last fucking one.”
“Make it hurt,” I order, sitting back down as the tears fall because I can’t hold them back any longer. I grab Jacob’s hand. I need to touch him to hold onto him as long as I can.
Chapter 12
Dancer
Carrie has a unique scent that is all her. I’m not a man who knows these things, but she reminds me of the morning air after a thunderstorm. I could get drunk on that smell. Every time I breathe it in, even when I am at my most angry, I feel this surge of rightness come over me. I’ve pushed and pushed her away but she keeps coming back and if she stopped…I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have to worry about finding the courage to end it all. No, without the hope she gives me, I’d already be dead.
I’m sore all over. When I made the decision to drive off the dam into the lake, I accepted that it was over. I wanted it to be over. The problem was that I hadn’t picked a big enough dam to drive off of. The car hit the water with a splat. Nothing happened like I thought it would. No air bags released, no bright lights shown through the dark pointing the way to a better place. I got none of the things my brain had envisioned. Most of all, there was no instant relief for me. Instead, the car began filling with water. I was groggy, dazed even. I think my head hit the side of the door. I can’t really recall. I just remember feeling the water rising on my legs and silence so thick I could almost taste it.
Then, I felt hands on me, pulling. I couldn’t get awake enough to fight them off. The next thing I knew, I was on the side of the bank, coughing up lake water with the sound of an ambulance’s siren in the background.