“And some he doesn’t.”
“I…”
“Don’t send me away. Not now, Jacob. Please. Let me in, let me help?”
We lie there on the bed in silence. Me, because I don’t really know what to say. I’m not sure about Jacob. Maybe he is already regretting me being here? Maybe Nicole is wrong? Maybe I should give him an out? I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t.
I am however, starting to feel self-conscious. I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here without talking. I figure at least twenty minutes or longer. I slowly pull myself away from Jacob. He’s been quiet for so long, I figure he’s sleeping.
“Where are you going?” Jacob asks, his hand on my hip tightening to keep me from pulling further away.
“I thought I’d let you sleep.”
“I want you here,” I think I’m lying to myself, but I choose to believe he’s referring to our earlier conversation. If I allow myself time to think about it? I would acknowledge that the tone of his voice, and how he refuses to look directly in my eyes, disagrees completely with what his lips are saying. I choose to ignore it. It’s weak, I know. Sometimes, love makes you weak.
“If you’re sure.”
His fingers are combing through my hair. It’s nice so I settle down against him and close my eyes.
“How come you don’t have a man?” He asks and his fingers continue to sift through my hair. It relaxes me and with my eyes closed, Jacob filling my lungs and his arms around me…I let my guard down and answer honestly.
“I told you the last time we had this conversation Jacob, you’re it for me.”
“It’s been over two years since that discussion, Carrie.”
I kiss his chest, through the hospital gown, to still his words. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before. I’m used to people thinking I’m too young to know my own mind. It seems unreal to me. If I had slept with the entire state of Kentucky people would take me more seriously. I may only be twenty years old. I may have never had sex before. All this is completely true. What isn’t true however, is that I am not adult enough to decide who I want in my life or who I want to take my virginity. Was I stupid to wait around for Jacob to give me a shot? Yes. I can admit that. It is the very definition of stupidity to pine over a man who has spent years pushing you away. That however, doesn’t change the fact that the only person my body responds to, the only person I want it to respond to, is Jacob. I’m not naive. I do not see happy ever after in Jacob’s arms. In fact, I know that I will probably have my heart ripped out and stomped on. I’m still moving forward with Jacob. I want to try and help him. I need to try. Some rides are worth the pain. If I run from this chance, I will regret it my entire life.
“Don’t Jacob, just don’t. Whatever happens, happens,” I answer, fully meaning it.
The rest of my visit with Jacob is spent talking about incidental things, silly things. The conversation is purposely navigated away from anything heavy. Jacob has enough of that on his plate.
Chapter 14
Dancer
I had to stay in the hospital for three days. Worse, they wouldn’t let me out of the damned place until I agreed to outpatient therapy. It was a bunch of crap, but I agreed to it. Hell, I would have agreed to anything if it got me the fuck out of there.
My brothers are trying really hard not to ask questions about the accident. It would be comical really, if we weren’t dealing with my life. Well, all of them except for Dragon are avoiding it. Dragon has been really quiet. I find him watching me at times with this look on his face and I have a feeling he knows more than the rest. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. In the end, I guess I’m not much better than my brothers, because I’m ignoring the issue with Dragon. Fuck, I don’t even know what I would say to him anyway.
The next problem is Carrie. I made the decision to grab her up without thinking it through. She spent every day with me in the hospital. It was both heaven and hell. I loved having her close. I loved touching her, kissing her and having my brothers know she’s mine. A sad part of me figures I look a lot less pathetic in their eyes having Carrie as my old lady.
That’s where the good part ends. The thought of any type of relationship with Carrie scares the fuck out of me. Once I got out of the hospital the touching, kissing and fuck just everything has gone to hell.