“Then you’re a liar to yourself and me,” she growls and throws her clothes back in the case.
Her red hair is bouncing along her shoulders, her voice is filled with anger, her face is flushed and I have the strongest urge to get on my knees and beg her to help me. Beg her to stay and not give up.
“What has crawled up your ass?”
“What has? Oh my god! You know Jacob, I’ll take a lot from you. I have actually. That never made me feel stupid, until right now!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking…” I end with an umpf noise as I catch the bag of clothes she throws at my stomach.
“STOP LYING TO ME!”
I freeze. I’ve never seen Carrie this animated, this angry and outspoken.
“WHY? WHY, JACOB!?!?!?”
I drop the bag and stare at her.
“I am not cut out to be a monk.”
Her mouth opens and then this look of confusion goes over her face and she crosses her arms in front of her chest.
“Gee I would have never guessed that,” she says sarcastically. Somehow this new side of Carrie is just as sexy, if not sexier, than the old one. She’s not getting it though, so I soldier on.
“Right now, it’s taking all of the energy I have not to grab you and take the promise you have in your eyes and make it a reality. It is killing me. Killing me. We’re not sharing a bed, we’re not kissing, we’re not…fuck, we’re doing nothing. We’re not even holding hands. Living with you is requiring sainthood from me, Princess. I’m not a fucking saint.
“Who asked you to be, Jacob? It sure as heck wasn’t me!”
“See? Right there that’s what I’m saying. You can’t even cuss. You say the word heck for Christ’s sake! You’re too damned innocent for me.”
“Oh my god, Jacob! Everyone is a virgin at some point! Even you were!”
“Yeah, but it’s been a fuck of a long time, Carrie. It happened in a dirty alley with a hooker who was high enough not to mind giving a street kid a freebie.”
She jerks back and it is that moment I figure I have shown her just how wrong for her I am.
“What does that have to do with anything?” She asks, and now she just sounds thoroughly confused.
“You’re a virgin! A damned virgin, with stars in her eyes and what you want Princess, I’m not capable of giving you.”
“Fine then! I’ll just go out, get laid and then you can feel better about touching me? Would that work for you, Jacob Blake?”
“Damn it, Carrie…”
“Just save it. I wouldn’t believe anything you said at this point anyway.”
She delivers that last sentence and bends down to pick her bag back up. My hands go sweaty. Shit I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t want her to leave. I’m terrified about what will happen if she stays. Fuck.
I make a split second decision. It may be a decision I live to regret. I just don’t know. I’m going completely by instinct and what I do know is that she can’t leave. If she leaves she’ll be in danger. I can’t deal with that. If she leaves I won’t even have the chance to touch her and I don’t want that. If she leaves there’s a very big chance that Bull will run after her and I can’t handle that at all.
“Wait…”
She stops, turns and looks at me. Her green eyes scan my face and I worry that she can see the doubt and indecision I’m feeling. Worse, will she see that a large part of me does not want to go there with her? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is this so hard?
Because it’s Carrie.
Carrie means something. She always has.
When she doesn’t say anything, I force myself to try again.
“Carrie…”
“I am not anyone’s responsibility and I sure don’t want to be that to you,” her soft voice interrupts me.
She reminds me of a girl playing at being a woman. She is standing there telling me how she feels, but her posture is unsure, her voice way too soft for her words. I’m too old, too dark, too damned jaded to be anywhere around her. I want her, I want her in ways I’ve never wanted a woman. Fuck, I’m trying to do the right thing here, but I don’t want her to leave. The thought of her leaving fills me with this overwhelming emptiness.
“Damn it all Carrie, I do want you. Hell, I’ve always wanted you.”
I watch as her face lifts and her eyes seek mine yet again. I can see the hope flare before she taps it down. She’s so innocent and pure staring at me. Does she realize that her eyes are pure seduction? Does she have any clue the things I want to do to her sweet body? Maybe…. maybe I should show her.
“Jacob, I need you too,” she argues like she doesn’t understand why I keep pushing her away. She acts like it should be just so damned simple.