It’s not. It is anything but simple. The fact that she thinks it should be easy pisses me off.
“I should take what you keep offering. You owe me your innocence. You have no idea the fucking hell I have lived the last two years because of your na?ve ass. You waltz into my life again after nearly destroying me and you think it should be easy to give you a piece of me? Fuck, I’ve had so many pieces of me torn away and it’s all your fucking fault, Princess.”
I regret instantly what I say. Apparently I haven’t got a good enough lock on my anger. I’m going back and forth so much, I am getting dizzy. Fuck. I swallow, because I know my words have wounded her. I know I shouldn’t have said it. I don’t even truly believe it. There’s just this huge rabid animal in me and I have no control over when it strikes out.
She looks at me with so much sadness, it seems to surround her. If there has been a more beautiful woman, I have not seen her. Her eyes look almost liquid.
Any minute now she is going to turn and run. I can’t even blame her. I wish I could gather my words back up and keep them from touching her, but I know that is impossible too. So I wait for her next move. Part of me is already feeling relief, but a larger part is grieving, it’s just further proof that my head is completely messed up.
What she says next? It shocks the hell out of me. I didn’t expect it.
“Then take my innocence. Take whatever you want. It’s yours, Jacob. It has always been yours, so take it. I’m yours.”
Carrie’s wearing a pale yellow sundress, looking young and untouched. This is who Carrie is. I love the dress on her. It reminds me of how innocent she is, while at the same time making me wonder what will happen once I dirty her up, and I do want to dirty her up. As confused as I am about taking this next step with Carrie, I at least know that.
I watch as she slides her dress off. She stands in front of me so fucking perfect, I want to scream.
I made a decision when I was in the hospital. I tried to go back on it, but there’s not a man strong enough to turn down what is before me right now. I’m not even sure why I’ve fought it this long. I haven’t been a better man in over two years.
Her words are brave, but her eyes falter and her arms cover her bra and breasts from my sight. I know I am in fact the biggest bastard ever born because I take pleasure in the way her hands shake.
I swallow, swearing I can taste her. Suddenly my mind clears, all I can see is Carrie and all I want is to touch her…to brand her. I want to fuck her so hard, for so long that anyone who comes after me will be a pale comparison. It’s all kinds of fucked-up, but it is how I feel.
“The bra now, Princess,” I say, my voice hoarse with need.
She fumbles with the clasp on the front of her bra and another thrill moves through me at seeing her hands shake. I like that she’s new to this, that her moves aren’t practiced. I especially like that I will be the first to taste her. The bra falls to the floor as her hand fumbles to keep her breasts hid. Even though she is shielding them from me, I can still see those pale creamy globes and I breathe easier. We’ve gone too far to turn back now. She will be mine.
Mine.
Chapter 15
Carrie
I can’t believe this is happening. I mean, I’m glad it’s happening. I’ve been dying for it to happen. This last week has been driving me crazy. I knew instantly what he had planned tonight and I couldn’t handle it. I can’t be around him now, if he slept with other women. It might have been saner to leave. I know that. I just keep remembering my talk with Nicole. I keep seeing the hopelessness in Jacob’s eyes and I need to keep pushing forward. Maybe eventually I will give up, I just know I can’t right now.
I turn to fully face him with a deep, calming breath.
Yeah, that didn’t work.
“Drop your arms. I want to see you.”
Drop your arms he says, like that’s so easy. I swear if my heart beats any faster I will probably have a stroke. I’ll keel over and stroke out and be naked when the freaking paramedics get here.
“Princess?” Jacob asks again and I close my eyes, but manage to slowly remove my arms.
I’m standing in front of Jacob Blake wearing nothing but a pair of panties. They’re not even sexy panties. They’re boy-cut green satin at least and there is lace—not a lot, but a passable amount. That’s good, right? I mean they could be granny panties and I would die a horrible death.
“Damn. Care Bear, you’re gorgeous,” Jacob says. I can feel his breath so I know he has moved closer while my eyes are closed.
I smile at the use of my favorite nickname. I don’t think he realizes when he uses it. It seems to be when his guard is down the most and it always gives me hope.