What has stopped me up to this point is fear. I am scared. Scared that I’d somehow fuck this up too. Somehow it wouldn’t kill me, I’d be stuck a vegetable and trapped with nothing but my memories for the rest of my life.
I lean back against the seat of the SUV I’m driving. How long have I been here now? An hour? Two? Time doesn’t really register when you’re this far down into hell and the Devil is calling your name. I keep seeing Carrie and her face when I pushed her away, when I hurt her. The fear, the pain and even worse than both of those, was the love. I could always see the love in her eyes. Even before she told me how she felt. It was fucked up that I wanted it, needed it. It was even more fucked up that I kept running away from it and every time I did, bad things happened.
It would be better for her if I wasn’t here. She’d be able to forget me and with the way my brother seems to care about her, they’d be happy. Bull would give her everything I wanted to, but couldn’t. She’d be happy. I want her happy. If I do this it’d give her peace.
I’ve tried blaming her for what happened to me. Truthfully there is no one to blame but myself. I did this. I did it all. Dragon is right. I should have kept my head. I knew better. Fuck, I should have never turned Carrie down to begin with. If I had held her, given her the kiss she wanted, kept her in my arms, then none of this would have happened. It’s all on me. I’m the maker of my own demons. I’m the sole party responsible. I can’t keep lashing out at her, at any one. At the same time, I can’t be the man I once was. That man is dead. He died that night in prison when he was held down and violated against his will. He is not me. Me? I’m just left over residue—the scum that’s left in the strainer when you let the water out of the sink.
I start the vehicle and stare over the water. Laurel Lake brings back so many good memories. Memories of when life was simpler, quieter and happier. Memories of when Jazz was alive and my days were spent watching over her and Carrie, memories of parties with my brothers and just being free.
It seems a good place to let it all go, to let it all just fade away. That’s the last thought I have before I release the park break, jam it into drive and lay on the gas.
Chapter 9
Carrie
Again I ask myself why I can’t be attracted to Bull. Jacob is an ass. Bull played doctor with my leg, and then he demanded I watch television with him. After popping popcorn, we sit down and watch a Rock Hudson and Doris Day movie. Now I’m sure Bull hates every minute of the movie, but old movies make me giggle and it makes me happy.
“You doing okay, Red?”
I look over to find him staring at me. Bull may not talk much, but I get the feeling he sees a lot more than most do.
“It’s just been a rough day.”
“I should teach him a lesson. You should have let me.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to get started on that again.
“Just let it go. I told you it was an accident.”
“And I told you I didn’t believe it.”
“Tough noodles.”
“Noodles?” Bull asks with a grin.
I shrug, “They can be pretty tough if you don’t cook them, or you know don’t cook them enough.”
He shakes his head and turns back to the television.
“I think I was born in the wrong decade,” I say without meaning to really. It’s just that the silence is a little strained.
“How so?”
“The fifties look so much better. Man wanted woman. Man got woman. Happy ever after.”
“Life isn’t like the movies, Red.”
“Maybe it was in the fifties,” I insist, knowing I am being silly.
“In that case we’re all screwed.”
“Why’s that?”
“Have you watched The Thing? Invasion of the Body Snatchers? War of the Worlds? The Blob?”
I start laughing, I can’t help it.
“Okay, well maybe you have a small point,” I concede.
“Of course I’m kind of bummed now,” he adds and he gets this cocky look in his pretty brown eyes and they sparkle with laughter. A girl could just sigh. Why can’t I want him instead of Jacob?
“Bummed?”
“Yeah, I mean it might be good to be attacked by a fifty foot woman.”
I throw popcorn at him as he tosses his head back in laughter. It’s a nice sound, full of life, robust and rich sounding. The smile I give him this time is completely sincere.
We start our second movie when Bull’s phone rings.
“Speak.”
I watch as he listens to whoever is on the other side. It must have been bad news because this cold look comes over his face.
“What about Red? I can’t leave her alone…Yeah…Okay…no I’ll be there, but I’m going to kick his ass for pulling this shit,” he barks and hangs up.
“Red, there’s been an accident.”
Bull barely gets the words out and the room starts swimming.
“Fuck! Breathe, Red,” Bull says kneeling down in front of me. I’m just glad I am sitting on the couch, or I would have fallen.
“I’m sorry. Red, I didn’t think.”
“It’s stupid I know, it’s just…”
“It’s just that I’m an idiot and forgot about your parents and your past. It’s okay though. I promise you everyone is okay.”