I woke up in the morning, went to go to the bathroom and on my way out jumped at my own reflection. Fucking brown hair.
Kai laughed from his bed, throwing his head back and clutching his stomach. Perfect.
“I hate you.”
He laughed harder. “You should’ve seen your face.”
“You’re an arsehole and I want to be blonde again.”
I left the room but not before I’d heard him say, “Well, you should have gotten naked then.”
We spent the day at the beach again, built a massive sand castle, buried each other, and ate fish and chips. I didn’t want to go home to reality ever again. I could quite happily live here forever.
In the evening we went to a local club and Holly found a table so she could rest her tiny baby bump. “Okay, shots everyone?” Adam asked, getting up to go to the bar. He left before we had a chance to reply but he knew everyone’s answer.
Two shots later and we’d scattered all over the club, occasionally crossing paths at the bar or dance floor.
“So which girl’re you looking at then?” I asked Kai, trying to follow where he was looking.
“What?”
“You’re staring at who?”
“Oh, I was looking at that guy.”
Huh? “Wow, was I so bad I turned you?”
He rolled his eyes. “He looks like what I’d imagine Isaac would now. Do you ever get that?”
“See people that remind me of my dad?” He nodded. “Sometimes. I’ll hear someone laugh that sounds like him or smell his aftershave.”
He looked back at me. “You have changed.”
I had? “What?”
“A few weeks ago you would’ve changed the subject.”
I felt cold. Was I letting it in without knowing? How could that even work?
“So, now I’m fixed?” I said, forcing myself to laugh.
“No, things rarely get fixed before they break that little bit more.” He took my hand. “You’ll be okay.”
I wasn’t so sure. Rubbing my head with my free hand I tried to make sense of everything flying through my head. How could other people know what was going on with me when I didn’t? Kai was the only one I trusted to know or even have the closest guess. He’d been me, a worse version apparently.
He let go of my hand and tapped the table. “Stop stressing so much. It’s like you trying to make sense of a foreign language you’ve never seen before.”
“Oh, good.”
“It’s not hopeless, Tegan, but until you’re ready and willing to let it all in there’s no point in letting it get to you.”
“Right. This is hurting my head; can we talk about something else? Better still, can we just go?” It was only ten thirty but I was beyond done with being around people for one night.
He stood up. “Yeah, come on.”
Holly and James had left a while ago. Adam, Megan, Sophie and Mark were all drunk and dancing somewhere.
“It’s Isaac’s birthday in two weeks,” Kai said as we walked back. “We all go camping for the weekend every year. It was his favourite thing to do. Around this time I see more of him in everyone and everything I come across.”
Hence the older Isaac-looking guy in the club.
His pain was spread all over his face and it made my heart ache. I hated it.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything, Tegan.”
“When you camp do you have to pee in a bush?”
He laughed. “That’s probably the best thing you could’ve said. No, there are proper toilets and showers. So, how are you doing?”
“I’m good, apart from the hair,” I replied, swirling a lock around my finger.
“Really?”
“Yep, because I’m not thinking about any of the other stuff right now.”
“Solid plan.”
I shrugged. “I thought so. Want to get a hotdog from the stand? I’m starving.”
“Sounds good,” he replied, slinging his arm over my shoulder.
***
Kai dropped me off at my house and Mum was waiting at the end of the drive. She hugged me tight when I got out of the car. It still felt weird. I felt like I was hugging just Ava’s mum and not mine, too, but I was trying.
“Did you have a nice time?” she asked, stroking my significantly darker hair.
“Yeah, it was really good. I needed to get away for a while.”
Mum nodded. “I know you did. I like the colour.”
“It’s growing on me.”
“Well, come on in.”
I spent two hours drinking tea with Mum and Ava and telling them stories of the weekend. And then, like usual, they left. Of course they asked if I wanted to join them at the nail salon but it wasn’t my thing. Not at all. Besides, Lucas had texted, saying he was coming over.
I was nervous as hell when I opened the door. He smiled awkwardly. “Hi.”
Stepping back to open the door wider, I replied, “Hi.” He looked different. Distant. “What’s up?” When I was met with silence my heart dropped. I added, “Lucas, what’s wrong?”
Chapter Forty-Eight
Lucas