Shit. Here goes. “Look, I love you, Tegan, but I don’t think us being together right now is what you need.”
She watched me, expressionless, as if she hadn’t heard me.
“I just think that you need time alone to work through everything you’ve got going on and I’m stopping you from doing that. You were always looking for distractions and I know you said I make you feel again – and I love that – but what it boils down to is that I’m a distraction, too.”
“You’re not a distraction.”
“Yes, I am. I may not be an intentional one and it may be in a different way to Kai, but it’s still the same thing.”
“Fuck that! You have no idea what’s going on inside my head.”
“Because you never tell me.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, Tegan. It wasn’t that long ago that you tried to take your own life.”
Her eyes teared up and I felt like a proper arsehole. “Fuck you!” she shouted, face turning from hurt to anger in an instant. “I wouldn’t do that ever again and you know it.”
I raised my hands. “I know. I do. But, Tegan, you have to understand why I’ll do anything, try anything, to help you get through this.”
“And breaking up with me is the way to do that?”
“If it’s what needs to happen, yes.”
“Why don’t you just tell me you’ve had enough? I can take it.”
“That’s not what this is. You think I want to end things?”
“Well, yeah.”
I sighed harshly. “I don’t, and if you’d stop for a second you’d see what I’m really trying to do here. You know this is the right thing to do but you’re too stubborn to admit it.”
“Okay, fine. We’re done, thanks for doing that for me, by the way. You can leave now.”
I hated it. Hated that she looked so hurt and so angry. And hated that this had to happen in the first place.
“Don’t be like that,” I said.
“You just broke up with me and, what, you expect me to be cheering and hugging you?”
“God, I knew you’d be like this.”
“Wow, Lucas. Seriously, just go.”
Raising my hands, I surrendered to the knowledge that this was never going to go well and there was nothing I could do to convince her I wasn’t just bored of her. She’d never see it herself or she’d hate me forever. It sucked but I wasn’t in control of anything from this point on. Not that I ever felt I had control over anything where she was concerned.
“Whatever you think, I do love you,” I said, turning on my heel and walking away.
I closed her door and had to force myself to walk out of the house. Thankfully, Alison and Ava were still out when I left. I couldn’t handle talking to anyone right now. I was pissed off and felt horrible. Breaking up with her wasn’t what I wanted but what choice did I have? She wasn’t moving forwards, as much as I hated to admit it; I was a distraction just like everything else.
I took my car home and went up to the hill to clear my head. The hill seemed steeper this time. All I wanted to do was to go back to her house and tell her I didn’t mean it and that I’d made a mistake.
For her I hadn’t made a mistake, though. She needed a clean break so she could focus on all the shit she had to work through. I wasn’t convinced that if we’d met under normal circumstances she’d want to be with me at all. We were drawn to each other but now it was time to figure out if it was real.
I laid down on the grass and stared at the sky. No part of me had felt so crap before, it was a different shit to when we found out how ill Dad was. This was all my doing. I didn’t know how long Alison and Ava were going to be out for and I hated the thought of her being alone. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I’d ever done, calling Kai to go to her was the second.
He’d sounded shocked that we were over but agreed straight away to go over and see her, like I knew he would.
When I couldn’t put it off anymore, I dragged myself up and walked home. It was getting dark and cold. All I wanted was to crash.
“Luke, where have you been? I’ve just spoken to Ava. What’s going on?” Grace asked, yanking me into the house. If she’d spoken to Ava then she knew exactly what was going on.
I shook my head and walked up to my room. I couldn’t deal with her questions when I was finding it pretty hard to function beyond walking and sleeping.
There were pictures of Tegan and some of her stuff in my room. She was smiling in every single one but even I could see she wasn’t happy. I couldn’t look at her and see sadness behind her smile anymore. Something had to change.
“Lucas, can I come in?” Grace called through my door.
Like she was going to go away. “Yeah.”
She was in my room in a flash. “So, what happened? Ava said you broke up. Why?”
“Because it’s what she needs,” I replied, scrubbing my hands over my face.