“The one in the picture on Facebook.”
He was silent for a minute and I wasn’t sure if he was going to talk to me about it, tell me it was none of my business and hang up, or question my sanity over checking up on him. I was going to do option C the second we got off the phone.
“You’ve been checking up on me on Facebook?”
“No, of course not,” I said as if he’d accused me of wanting to sleep with his dad. And I was lying through my teeth but I couldn’t admit to him that I was totally keeping tabs on him. “Jesus Christ, Damon, a few days ago you were telling me you wanted to settle down.”
“And if remember correctly, Nell, you told me you didn’t want to.”
“That’s not the point. I’ve not been out mashing my face against some guy’s!”
He groaned and I felt the sound shake my very soul. I hated hurting him.
“Why are we doing this? You have no right to confront me for kissing someone else,” he said. It was true but his words cut deep and kicked me in the stomach. Big, fat tears rolled down my cheeks.
“I know that.” Of course I knew and that made it worse somehow. I wanted the right but I couldn’t take it. “I just…”
Just what? There was no suitable answer for that. Not one that wouldn’t hurt us both even more anyway.
“I’m sorry,” I said, silently crying in defeat.
“Don’t be sorry, Nell, just figure out what the fuck you want. If it’s not me the way I need us to be, then delete me from your life and social media.”
“So, this is really an all or nothing deal?”
“I love you, for fuck sake!” He shouted. “How am I supposed to be your friend?”
God I wish he wouldn’t say that. It made me whole and tore me apart at the same time. “I shouldn’t have called. I won’t do it again,” I said, pressing end call just in time to fold over and sob into my poor, poor cushion.
Nell
I hated missing Damon. I hated myself for not being able to get my love life together. Or even my life together. I hated that he could be with another woman. And I hated my parents. Everything felt colder and darker. I had no idea how much happiness and light he brought before he was gone and it was too late.
I sat at my dingy desk after making The Ogre his second coffee of the hour. I’d never felt so low or like such a complete failure before.
Opening my drawer, I got my phone out to check my personal emails to see if anyone had offered me an amazing job for ten times what I was earning here. No such luck. And nothing from him. Not that I expected it. Ending things was ultimately my idea but here I was hoping he would make contact. I was desperate for something. Anything.
Chloe had spoken to him a few times. She didn’t divulge much and that made me want to shine a bright light in her eyes and demand she told me every little detail. But I was afraid. Afraid that she would tell me he was coping and afraid that she would tell me he wasn’t. I’d hurt him but I couldn’t hear someone tell me how much, not again.
I gripped my phone in my hands, wanting to reach out to him. If I could flick a switch and have everything go back to how it was before we parted ways I’d do it. When he walked out of my life he took something with him, something big, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to live with that.
Not wanting to be that woman, I pushed the longing from my mind, put the phone down and carried on. I didn’t need anyone. My chest may well feel hollow but my heart still pumped and I still breathed. I’d be fine.
Ten minutes into sorting The Ogre’s diary for the next week I got a call on the phone I was trying to ignore. No one called me during work hours. And my blood chilled when I saw it was Nan calling.
“Hello?” I said.
“Nell, it’s nan,” she said, still in times where you didn’t have a screen to tell you who was calling. “Where are you?”
This was now officially weird, and I felt slightly sick. It wasn’t time for her monthly catch up call for another week and she always preferred to call me on the landline rather than mobile. “At work, why? What’s going on?”
“Okay, love. I’m going to come and pick you up,” she said softly.
“Why?” I asked, standing up. I had a pit in my stomach the size of the Titanic. Something was really wrong. “I don’t need picking up, I have my car. Why would you need to pick me up?”
“Love, I really think it’s best if I come and get you.”
“O-Okay,” I whispered, placing my hand on the desk as I felt my body sway. Nan hung up but I kept the phone to my ear. Ice pricked my skin. She didn’t live far from my office so she wouldn’t be long – if she was coming from her house.
Lowering the phone, I let it drop on the desk and then walked through to The Ogre’s office.
“Reg, my nan’s coming to pick me up,” I said, curling my fingers into my palms.