Things were strained when I was over for dinner but we had a laugh, said ‘I love you’, kissed on the cheek and had a hug. That was better than crying, not hearing ‘love you’ back and kissing a cold cheek.
I felt like I’d been plucked out of the air and thrown out somewhere cold and alone. No one was here to tell me what to do for the best. The best for me. Nan had her son at the forefront of her mind. If she was allowed to see him I doubt she would be here now.
Shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself and looked around. People in white coats walked past. Patients milled around waiting to be seen. The receptionist talking to Nan spoke with her head at an angle – the sympathy angle. I bet I looked really odd standing in the middle of the entrance with my arms wrapped tightly around my middle.
Everyone moved so gracefully through the entrance of the hospital. I expected rushing around, shouting, blood and gore but there was none. Everything around me was so calm and although I stood still and peaceful, I was anything but.
They were all so completely absorbed in their own lives. No one noticed me at all. I had never felt so alone in my whole life. Was I an orphan, or were you only given that title if you were a minor? Was there even a word for adults that had lost their parents?
I hadn’t lost my dad, not really. But in every way that felt real, he was gone.
It’d been a very long time since I’d hero-worshipped the man but what was left of my heart bled for him. How could either of them let it happen? Why didn’t they just stay away?
My skin felt too tight. I didn’t want to be alone in this anymore. Nan was here but we weren’t particularly close. There wasn’t one time in my life where I’d confided in her or looked to her for comfort. The only person I could rely on was my best friend.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent Chloe a text message. One short, blunt and to the point: ‘Dad killed mum. I’m at the hospital.’
Less than twenty seconds later it was ringing.
“Nell?” Nan said, now back with me and looking my ringing phone.
Huh, when did she get back over here?
“Do you want me to answer that?”
I held it out to her.
Where’s Mum?
“Hello…No, it’s Nell’s Nan.” Chloe must have spoke for a while because Nan listened. I bet she was ranting and stumbling over her words, frantic to find out what my text was about. I should’ve called her but I wasn’t sure I could say the words aloud.
“Yes, it’s true. There was a fight and she fell down the stairs.” Nan placed her hand on my cheek and said the words for Chlo to hear but they were all for me. “She hit her head hard on the wall and that... Well, it killed her instantly.”
She died instantly? Please say that was true. How would Nan know that? Dad told her maybe?
I nodded and as I blinked a wave of tears rolled from my eyes.
It made me feel a tiny bit better that my mum didn’t suffer. But did she know she was going to die? I couldn’t bare the thought of her being terrified of death as she fell at the hands of a man who should’ve protected her. None of it made sense to me. I could count on one hand the number of people I loved, and three of them were only because I was duty bound to, and I knew I could never, ever hurt them.
“Yes, I think she would want you here,” Nan said and told Chloe we were in the waiting room of A&E. Wouldn’t we go to the morgue soon? “Okay, bye.” She hung up, handed the phone back to me and kissed my cheek.
“Nan,” I said as she took my hand and led me…somewhere. “Where are we going?”
“That’s up to you. Do you want to see her? It doesn’t have to be now if you’re not ready.”
“When if it’s not now?” It wasn’t like we could grab coffee next week. When the fuck would I see my mum?
“The funeral home, lovey.”
I stopped dead in my tracks, making her stumble. The funeral home when they’ve cleaned her up and made it look like she was sleeping. They would cover cuts and bruises as best they could. I wanted to see my mum when she looked like my mum.
“I want to do that. I don’t want to see her now.” I didn’t ever want the image of her looking broken in my head.
“Okay, we can arrange that. Whatever you want, Nell.”
“Chloe’s coming, isn’t she?”
“She said she is but I can call her back and let her know I’m taking you home.”
“No!” I snapped, taking a step back. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Her speckled grey eyebrows knitted together. “Why?”
“Because…I can’t.” I looked around, panicked. Could they make me leave if I wasn’t here with a purpose? “I can’t leave her here, Nan.”
“Oh, Nell.” She wiped her eyes again. “You can’t stay here, love. You need to go home. There’s nothing we can do right now. Let me take you home and wait until your friend gets there.”
Where was she going after? Actually, I knew that one. She’d ditch me the second she got a chance to go to the station.