“Work what out? We want different things. There is no way I can go back to what we had knowing he wants more, even if he could. I’m not that heartless.”
“I know you’re not. No one is saying you are. You’re allowed to want different things. If that’s really what this is about.”
“It is,” I replied. “I like him, Chlo, but I can’t give him what he wants so we can’t do this. Any of it.”
She smiled sadly. I could tell she was a little disappointed that I couldn’t get my act together to be with him and honestly, a part of me was too. Insecurities and self-doubt were supposed to get smaller as you got older. No one fucking tells you they only grow.
“What’s the plan now then?”
I shrugged. “I guess I just carry on, work at getting a new job and having the career I want.”
“And after work what will you do?”
“I have no idea.” Go back to how things were pre-Damon. I could barely remember before him. He was such a big part of my life and I didn’t realise how much, until he was no longer there.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Unless you can change me there’s nothing you can do but bring the wine.”
“You can change you,” she said, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“Yeah? Tell me how and I’ll do it.”
I didn’t have the first clue what it took to make a relationship work. Screwing one up? That I could do in a heartbeat, I’d seen enough of that. How was I supposed to be successful at something I didn’t know? It scared me and it was a much bigger risk than jumping into a new career or change of hair colour. Relationships had the power to completely crush a person, to turn them into a shadow, and I wasn’t prepared to break another person or be on the receiving end. Too much risk.
“You could start by talking.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’ve not had the best role models and I’m scared. There, I admitted it. I’m scared.
“We all get scared.”
“I love him.”
“God, Nell,” she whispered, her eyes tearing up. “Talk to me, let me help. I want you two to be happy and I know you can be happy together. Let me in. Or better still let Damon in. I bet he can help you overcome whatever it is that’s got you so terrified of giving yourself to him.”
“If he can’t?”
“Then it’ll be sad and you’ll cry but you’ll both be okay.”
“Would you be okay if you and Logan broke up?”
She looked away and bit her lips together.
“See. I may not have first hand experience, Chloe, but I’m not stupid. When you really love someone you open yourself up to all sorts of heart breaking things that can change you forever.”
“You sound so much like me before.”
“I know I do. It’s really annoying actually. Hey, maybe I’ll get to where you are one day.”
“You will. Just take it one day at a time and please just consider talking to Damon.”
Smiling, I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
Damon
Going out getting fucked and getting fucked was all I cared about right now. Doubt chipped away at my very core. What if she would’ve come around? If I knew she’d be ready in six months, hell a year or two even, I would’ve kept going the way we were. But there was no guarantee and I couldn’t spend another second out there in the unknown.
I sat at my desk counting down the minutes until I could leave for the day. I’d made so many mistakes today and been somewhere else completely that I’m surprised I didn’t get a warning about my performance.
“You alright?” My manager, Richard asked. He hadn’t said anything but he knew there was something up.
I pushed my swivel chair out and ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I’ve just had a shit couple of days.”
“I hope everything’s okay.”
It wasn’t and I couldn’t see a way out. Right now there was just endless darkness. “I’ll be fine, Rich, I just need to pull my shit together.”
“We all have things troubling us in our personal lives from time to time. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If you need to take a few days…?”
I shook my head. “I don’t, but thanks.” My relationship with Nell had screwed my personal life but I wasn’t going to let it affect my professional one. Not from Monday anyway.
“Okay, we’ll go through the Cecil and Graham account next week.”
“Did you want to do it now? I’m fine to,” I said. Rich shouldn’t have to wait until I was on top of my game to discuss a campaign. If I wanted the option of going into partnership I had do better than I had been.
He held his hand up. “Sandy wants to go kitchen shopping this afternoon so I’m leaving a few hours early. There is no way I’m wasting all weekend on it. If you need to leave a bit earlier, too…”
“Thanks, Rich.”