Lunch yesterday was a disaster. Not only had we argued but she’d just cemented what I’d known all along: Nell wasn’t going to want more. Shit, even if she did, she’d never let herself have it. Something was really wrong because no one just decided to be alone when they didn’t want to.
I put in a fairly fucking desperate sounding call to Chloe. Nell had claimed my heart and every other piece of me so if there was even a glimmer of hope I was going to run with it.
“Damon,” Chloe said. “Now what could you possibly be calling me about?”
“Very cute,” I muttered dryly, earning a laugh.
“Go on, what’s she done.”
“Nothing. She’s not done anything. Nell’s perfectly okay to keep on the way we’ve been for years. I know full well that that’s what I signed up for so I can’t complain but… No, fuck it, I want to complain.”
“Please do.”
“I love her. I want everything. Hell, I’d marry her right now if she was willing.”
“Err, you probably shouldn’t say things like that to her.”
I laughed humourlessly. “Don’t I know it? How do I get her to open up? Do you even know why she’s so bloody stubborn when it comes to relationships? If anyone knows it’d be you.”
“Not really. All I know is that her parents had a rocky marriage and it put Nell off. I kind of thought that as she grew up she’d get out of the physical-only phase and realise she could have something real. God, last year she said she wanted more but very quickly changed her mind.”
“She did? She’s wanted that before?” Hope, hello you beautiful bastard. If she’d been open to it once, no matter how briefly, then there was a possibility she could again.
“Yes, but not for long. I think she was trying out just considering it.”
And there hope goes. She couldn’t even get past considering it.
“Right,” I said.
“Look, Damon, if you really want to know I think you need to be having this conversation with Nell.”
“I know but what if…”
“If she doesn’t want anything?”
“Yeah.”
“What would happen then?”
Wincing, I rubbed the ache in my chest. “I can’t keep doing this. We said as long as there were no real feelings and it has gone way past that now. How am I supposed to have her that close to me but have no real part of her?”
Chloe sucked in a deep breath. “Are you going to break things off with her?”
“I don’t think I have a choice, Chlo.”
“I do understand where you’re coming from. There is no way I could have a casual relationship with Logan. But I’m worried about what this’ll do to her.”
“So am I, don’t get me wrong. I think I have to put myself first right now. I want her so bad. I want to go home to her, wake up to her, be the one she goes to for help and support, cook with her, have her steal my side of the bed, have her girlie shit all over the place. But she won’t give me that and I don’t know how to be around her knowing that. Loving her like this is killing me.”
“God, I hate to be the one to say this because I love that girl but if you carry on you’re both going to end up getting even more hurt. Just please, please tell me so I can be there for her.”
Things got very real, very fast. Chloe’s words were like a bucket of ice-cold water being tipped over my head. I already missed Nell and I hadn’t made my final decision yet – even though I knew full well what I needed to do.
“Alright. Thanks for the chat, Chlo.”
“Of course,” she replied softly. “And you know if you want to talk more first or if there’s absolutely anything I can do to help before… Well, you know, then just pick up the phone.”
“I will.”
We hung up and I felt like I had a fucking truck parked on my chest. And the only person I wanted was the one person that was shredding me from the inside out.
Nell walked into my flat with two Dominos boxes, a six-pack of Becks and a bottle of wine. It was times like these where we were so much like any normal couple it was easy to get lost and think it was real.
“How was your day?” She asked as she put the boxes on the worktop and got a wine glass out of my cupboard. She was comfortable enough to help herself around my place and treat it like her own, and she had absolutely no idea of what that really meant. Which was probably a good thing at the minute.
My conversation with Chloe was still at the forefront of my mind, fucking me up further.
“Not bad,” I replied, flipping the lids of open and popping the top on the bottle. “Yours?”
“I didn’t kill my boss and his son so the day was a success.”
Gritting my teeth, I asked, “They still giving you shit?”
“Yep. Nothing I can’t handle, though.”