“Can’t I?” I said. That wasn’t the plan. Believe me I never wanted to fall in love with her but I couldn’t help it.
“We agreed casual.” She shook her head. “You can’t just change your mind,” she repeated a little more forcefully.
“Yes, I can. Jesus, I’m in love with you, Nell.”
She sucked oxygen in like it was going out of fashion, looked stunned and then looked downright terrified.
“No.” She shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. “Stop. Damon, don’t. You can’t.”
“I don’t really get a choice, do I?”
“Yes, you do. Casual. We agreed casual and I don’t care what you say you can’t just–”
“Can’t just what? You don’t get to control who you love. Not everyone can switch it off like you can. Is it me or is it all men? You can tell me if I’m just not someone you could fall for.”
I think I can take it.
“I don’t want a relationship,” she said.
“I know that. You’ve mentioned it quite fucking often, but that’s not what I asked.”
“You can’t see me sexually or at all?” She asked, changing the subject completely.
I gulped and closed my eyes. “At all. It’s too hard. I can’t stop wanting everything with you.”
She pursed her lips and turned her head away. It almost looked as if she was going to cry and then I saw a tear. “What am I going to do without you?”
“You’ll be fine,” I whispered. I wouldn’t be. My gut was in knots.
“We’re friends. Aren’t we?”
“Nell, we are so much more than friends.”
She shook her head. “We’re not. We’re what we agreed to be.”
“I knew you were closed off but I never thought you were blind. How many men have you slept with since the weekend before Chloe and Logan moved into their house?”
Her dark eyes were so cold. “That’s not the point. There wasn’t anyone I wanted to sleep with. When there was…”
“Wow,” I said, trying to pretend like that wasn’t killing me. “That’s real classy, Nell.”
“Don’t you dare judge me. I never led you to believe anything else. Why do you get to sleep with whoever you want but I can’t?”
She had me there but that wasn’t the point, not really.
“I don’t want to argue with you. I just want this to be done. Unless you can give me something right now, a reason to stay that’s not just great sex, I’m gone. It doesn’t have to be some big commitment, just something so I know we could work at getting there. I don’t want to lose this but this can’t be all we have.” I was begging and I didn’t even care. I would get on my fucking knees if it would make a difference.
“This is all I have in me to give,” she whispered. “I’m not like Chloe.”
“I don’t want you to be like Chloe. I want you to be you but with me. Let yourself open up to me, please. If you can’t even tell me you’re willing to work on something I’m gone. It’s too hard, and I really can’t do it anymore.”
Gulping, I swallowed the rising urge to cry. Thick emotion clogged my throat.
She stood taller and I had a moment of blind panic. What was she doing? I loved her so much, she was the other half of me, everything I wanted but I couldn’t force her to stay. If she wanted to walk there was nothing I could do.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I really don’t know what I’ll do without you, you’re a friend.” A tear rolled down her cheek and I wanted to brush it away but she was breaking me and I could do nothing but watch on in horror. “What you’re asking of me isn’t something I can give.”
So that’s it.
I took a deep breath as the dagger pierced my heart. “Then you need to go, Nell.” Turning around, I walked into my bedroom and didn’t look back.
Nell
In a complete daze, I walked out of Damon’s flat. It hurt. So bad. Leaving him, turning him down, hurting him gave me the worst feeling I’d ever experienced. I tried, unsuccessfully, not to cry as I got in my car and put even more distance between us.
The drive home was dodgy. I remembered absolutely nothing of it only because I could barely see through tears I should have never been shedding, over a guy in the first place.
When I parked outside my little flat, I leant against the window and closed my eyes. All I had to do was forget about him and move on. I could do that and when I did, things would be alright again. We were never permanent. I knew that better than anyone. From our very first night after the agreement I knew there would come a point when we’d have to stop.
I wasn’t prepared for how much it would crush me.
Love is a bitch.
A few minutes later I couldn’t hold off getting out and going inside anymore, and people were starting to look at me laying in my car. I got out and dashed inside before anyone could ask if I was okay.