Damaged and the Beast (Damaged #1)

“Help me how? Get me to stop crying during sex?” I asked, angry to have him pushing me on something he knew nothing about.

Cooper suddenly loosened his grip and stared at me. The hurt in his eyes would have bothered me if I wasn’t so edgy already.

“Fuck you,” he muttered, nearly looking ready to cry. “How cold are you to say that?”

“Why are you asking me to see a therapist? I said we don’t talk about stuff in my family. I told you, but you want to fix me. First, you wanted the walls down then you don’t like what you see so you want to fix me. It’s all about you.”

“I love you,” he said in something between a growl and a whimper. “I love you and you look at me like I’m going to hurt you. Like I’m a monster. I see that fear and I want to fix things. I want you to be okay because you’re not. You’re damaged and not talking about it won’t fix anything. You think being a teacher and getting good grades will fix all this shit messed up inside you, but those are Band-Aids like not talking about it. You deserve to be happy.”

Pulling free, I moved to the other side of the bed and stared at him. He was right in some ways. Maybe in all of the ways, but I felt cornered, attacked even. He was judging me, calling me damaged. True or not, I wanted away from him.

Cooper watched me for a minute then something changed on his face. The pained and slightly angry expression was gone. I could almost see his big brain churning as the hardness on his face eased away.

“You’re mine, baby. No matter what you’ll always be mine. I just need you to be really happy. Not going through the motions or happy for anything you can get happy. I want you to be joyously fucking happy and you can’t be that way because you have all this pain you’re holding behind those walls. Hell yeah, I want them down. I want every part of you open to me, but that pain isn’t going anywhere.”

“My dad is a gambler,” I said, eyes on the wall and away from him. I just said the words without any thought behind them. Cooper needed something from me. To understand, I guess. He needed that and I needed him.

“A grifter too. He’s always stealing money to pay off his debts, but sometimes his cons don’t pay off in time. When that happened one time, he left town to find someone who owned him money. He told Mom if the people came around she should convince them that he was coming back with their money. If they wanted something to tide them over, she should give them her ring. My great-grandmother gave Mom the ring and she loved it. I didn’t think she wanted to give it up, but Dad told her she might have to because the people were dangerous.”

Pausing, I pretended Cooper wasn’t there. Also, pretended I wasn’t saying the words out loud. They were all in my head, safe from my heart. Just a bad dream to be forgotten when I woke up.

“The men showed up and they didn’t care about Mom’s excuses. Tawny was always so smart about people and I think she understood. She begged Mom to give them the ring. I remember thinking someone was attacking my mom because she started screaming and ran away. She ran down the hall to our room and locked the door. Even with her freaking out, I still didn’t understand what was happening. We were always owing someone money and hiding from people. It always worked out though.”

Looking at the light seeping in around the shades, I didn’t think as I continued, “Tawny understood. She was twelve, but she knew we were in trouble. She took out twenty dollars…” Pausing, I bit back tears. “She had worked around the motel and the manager gave her twenty dollars. She was so excited because we were going to Dairy Queen to eat dinner for my birthday. She had worked so hard for that money, cleaning up nasty stuff in the pool. She earned the money, but she offered the biker guys her twenty for collateral. That’s when I understood.”

Inching away from Cooper reflexively, I wasn’t even sure if he had moved towards me.

“Travis said what the fuck were they going to do with twenty dollars? Then, he said they needed real collateral. Even though he said that, the bastard still took her money. She worked so hard for those twenty dollars.”

Wiping the tears falling down my cheeks, I moved away from Cooper even more, leaving me pressed against the headboard.

“Dad came for us a week later,” I said, hearing Cooper exhale hard in response. “He paid the men and he took us back to the motel, but he didn’t have us come inside. He just grabbed our stuff and packed up the car and we left. We didn’t speak of my mom for years as if she never existed. Only when Dad started relying on my grandma’s money did he acknowledge how he was once married to her daughter. Otherwise, Mom was just a memory.”