After a long quiet minute, Cooper whispered angrily, “Why did you come here to live with that bitch?”
Finally, I looked at Cooper who stared at me with so much pain in those beautiful dark eyes. “They made it seem like it was the only way I could go to school. I needed my dream to come true so I came here. Maybe I also wanted my mom to know what she did hadn’t ruined me. How I had worked hard and turned out better than her.”
Cooper tried to touch me, but I flinched.
“Once, I tried talking about that week. Me and Tawny watched an Oprah episode and thought we could talk about it and be healthier or something. It was awful,” I said, my voice cracking. “It was like being back there again. As if all the showers couldn’t scrub away the smell. I never want to talk about it again. I don’t want to sit in an office with a stranger and make myself remember the way it felt.”
“Farah,” he whispered softly now, “you don’t have to do anything. I just wanted to help you and everyone was saying how Becky was helped by seeing a therapist.”
I wished I could go see someone, tell them what happened, and make all of the bad stuff disappear. Life didn’t work like that though.
After watching me for a few minutes, Cooper sighed. “I hate when you cry. I hate the look on your face when we’re together because I know you’re not with me really. You’re back there and scared and waiting for it to be over. I hate knowing I make you feel that way.”
“You make me feel other things too though. You make me feel like my body can feel things besides what it felt back then. You make me feel like I have a right to feel pleasure. Because of you, I feel like my body belongs to me more now. I know that makes no sense, but by choosing to give my body to you, I feel I’m not a ruined thing. I feel like I’m beautiful because that’s how you see me. You look at me like I’m special and that’s why I don’t cry as much, but I do get scared. No matter how much I know I’m with you, some little part isn’t. Some little part is always back there, but that part isn’t as scared. Maybe therapy would help or maybe it would make me feel ruined again. I can’t take the chance when I’m starting to feel like a woman with power. Sometimes, when you touch me, it feels so good and I feel like I’m rejecting all the ugly stuff. Like I’m saying I have a right to feel good and not go back there. I feel that way because of you.”
Cooper’s scowl eased. “I might be a pig towards girls, but I always made them feel good too. It’s like a tradeoff. I’m a shitty boyfriend, but I’m a great lover. I’ll give them pleasure then toss them aside. Maybe that’s not a decent tradeoff, but it’s what I do. With you though, I love you more than anything and I can’t make you feel good.”
“You do.”
“Maybe, but it’s hard to know that when I see the fear on your face. You look at me like I’m hurting you and I feel like I should stop, but you want me to keep going. I feel guilty for enjoying your body.”
“I wish I could stop crying. I don’t know why it happens some times and not others. I don’t know how to control it. I just know I want to be with you.”
Cooper watched me as his fingers tapped at the bed. Finally, he said what was on his mind. “Tell me you don’t really think I want to fix you so I can have more sex.”
“I don’t,” I said, feeling guilty. “The only person I’ve ever trusted is Tawny and she knows not to push certain things. I know you want to help, but I can’t go back there. It seems like I already am, but it’s only in small doses. I can make myself forget most of it. I’m sorry I hurt you and I don’t really think that’s why you want me to get better. If it was, I wouldn’t have told you what I did. I never would have trusted you with even that much.”
“Can I sit closer?” Cooper asked and I loved him for being so careful.
“I feel dirty now, but once I have a nice shower then I can feel normal. Does that make sense?”
Cooper shook his head. “I don’t get it. I know I should, but I look at you and it’s so clear how you shouldn’t feel bad. Those fuckers should feel bad. Instead, you feel dirty. I don’t get it, but I’m trying.”
“Do you see me differently now?” I asked, lowering my gaze. “I want you to be honest.”
“I still want you, if that’s what you’re asking. I wanted you the moment I saw you. It was just lust then. When you messed with me that first night at Denny’s, I wanted you so fucking bad. Eventually, I needed you though. I know you’re damaged and I’ve fucked up, but we belong together. Nothing you say or do or anything that was done to you changes how you’re mine.”
Smiling, I glanced at the shower. “I’ll clean up and we can have lunch.”
Damaged and the Beast (Damaged #1)
Bijou Hunter's books
- Lost Highway
- Ramsey Security (Ramsey Security #1-3)
- Sunday Morning (Damaged #7.5)
- Broken Memphis (Little Memphis MC, #2)
- Damaged and the Saint (Damaged #7)
- Junkyard Dog
- Damaged and the Bulldog (Damaged #6)
- Damaged and the Cobra (Damaged #3)
- Damaged and the Dragon (Damaged #5)
- In the Wind
- Little Memphis (Little Memphis MC #1)